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''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' is the seventh studio album by American
indie rock Indie rock is a Music subgenre, subgenre of rock music that originated in the United States, United Kingdom and New Zealand from the 1970s to the 1980s. Originally used to describe independent record labels, the term became associated with the mu ...
band
Xiu Xiu Xiu Xiu ( ) is an American experimental band, formed in 2002 by singer-songwriter Jamie Stewart in San Jose, California. Currently, the line-up consists of Stewart (the only constant member since formation) and Angela Seo. The band's name ...
released on February 23, 2010. This is their first album since the departure of
Caralee McElroy Caralee McElroy (born December 27, 1983) is a Brooklyn-based American multi-instrumentalist who has played in the bands Xiu Xiu, XXL, and Cold Cave. Biography McElroy was born in Olympia, WA and was raised in Modesto, California and Seattle, Wa ...
. The album features new member
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is a South Korean multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio project by the ba ...
on piano, synthesizer and drum programming, with production by frontman Jamie Stewart and
Deerhoof Deerhoof are an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. They currently consist of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised ...
's
Greg Saunier Greg Saunier (born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill (of Hella, la ...
. This album marked a departure from the more analogue styles of ''
Women as Lovers ''Women as Lovers'' is the sixth studio album by American avant-garde band Xiu Xiu. It was released on January 29, 2008, by Kill Rock Stars, and shares its title with the Martin Chalmers translation of Elfriede Jelinek's 1975 novel ''Die Lieb ...
'' and ''
The Air Force ''The Air Force'' is the fifth album by Xiu Xiu. It was released on September 12, 2006, and is produced by Greg Saunier of Deerhoof, who also performs on the album with band members Caralee McElroy and Jamie Stewart. Production The albu ...
'', and shifted stylistic choices to a more chiptune style, utilizing the Nintendo DS'
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg MS- ...
software to program drum and
synthesizer A synthesizer (also spelled synthesiser) is an electronic musical instrument that generates audio signals. Synthesizers typically create sounds by generating waveforms through methods including subtractive synthesis, additive synthesis ...
tracks. Lyrically, the album touches on themes such as
body image Body image is a person's thoughts, feelings and perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. The concept of body image is used in a number of disciplines, including neuroscience, psychology, medicine, psychiatry, psy ...
,
eating disorder An eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating behaviors that negatively affect a person's physical or mental health. Only one eating disorder can be diagnosed at a given time. Types of eating disorders include binge eating ...
, race,
self-loathing Self-hatred is personal self-loathing or hatred of oneself, or low self-esteem which may lead to self-harm. In psychology and psychiatry The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe ...
, parental pressure and Stewart's idolization of fictional characters such as
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series '' South Park''. He is voiced by series co-creator Matt Stone and loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough. He is a student at South Park Elementary Schoo ...
and
Pandapple This is a list of characters from Sanrio, a Japanese company specialized in creating kawaii (cute) characters. Sanrio sells and licenses products branded with these characters and has created over 450 characters. Their most successful and best kn ...
. The album was supported by three
singles Singles are people not in a committed relationship. Singles may also refer to: Film and television * ''Singles'' (miniseries), a 1984 Australian television series * ''Singles'' (1992 film), written and directed by Cameron Crowe * ''Singles'' ...
, "Dear God, I Hate Myself", "Gray Death", and "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)".


Composition

Many of the songs on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' were partially or wholly crafted on the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg MS- ...
software for the Nintendo DS. Jamie Stewart composed these songs on a
Hello Kitty , also known by her full name , is a fictional character created by Yuko Shimizu, currently designed by Yuko Yamaguchi, and owned by the Japanese company Sanrio. Sanrio depicts Hello Kitty as an anthropomorphized white cat with a red bow and n ...
-themed DS, and even used the KORG DS-10 in live shows, including a rendition of "I Luv The Valley OH!" from ''
Fabulous Muscles ''Fabulous Muscles'' is the third album by American experimental band Xiu Xiu, released on February 17, 2004 on 5 Rue Christine. The album marked a change in the band's sound, described as a depressive mix between experimental rock and synth-pop ...
.''


Release

''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' was released on February 23, 2010, by
Kill Rock Stars Kill Rock Stars is an independent record label founded in 1991 by Slim Moon and Tinuviel Sampson, and based in both Olympia, Washington, and Portland, Oregon. The label has released a variety of work in different genres, but was originally know ...
( US & UK) and
P-Vine Records P-Vine Records is an independent record label based in Tokyo, Japan. History It was started in 1976 by Blues Interactions, a firm founded in 1975 by Yasufumi Higurashi and Akira Kochi, as a record label focused on black music. The label name c ...
( Japan). A deluxe numbered edition of 100 copies was released by Kill Rock Stars the same year, featuring a sleeve cover printed with silver ink and 12 vinyl stickers by artist J. Morrison. Prior to this collaboration, Jamie Stewart had previously worked with Morrison for a 12-shirt subscription series. 54 copies included just the LP and its sleeve, while 46 copies included the LP, a square of
chocolate Chocolate is a food made from roasted and ground cacao seed kernels that is available as a liquid, solid, or paste, either on its own or as a flavoring agent in other foods. Cacao has been consumed in some form since at least the Olmec civil ...
homemade by Stewart, and a shirt with the
slogan A slogan is a memorable motto or phrase used in a clan, political, commercial, religious, and other context as a repetitive expression of an idea or purpose, with the goal of persuading members of the public or a more defined target group. Th ...
"Xiu Xiu For Life" written in
blood Blood is a body fluid in the circulatory system of humans and other vertebrates that delivers necessary substances such as nutrients and oxygen to the cells, and transports metabolic waste products away from those same cells. Blood in th ...
. On January 6, 2016, Xiu Xiu released a drunk commentary of ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' on thei
xiuxiu69 bandcamp
which was initially proposed as a bonus track for the album but was not reconsidered until 2016. The commentary was inspired by
the Pet Shop Boys The Pet Shop Boys are an English synth-pop duo formed in London in 1981. Consisting of primary vocalist Neil Tennant and keyboardist Chris Lowe, they have sold more than 50 million records worldwide, and were listed as the most successful duo i ...
track by track commentary of their album '' Yes''. The recording of the commentary includes Jamie Stewart drinking a tall and strong
cocktail A cocktail is an alcoholic mixed drink. Most commonly, cocktails are either a combination of spirits, or one or more spirits mixed with other ingredients such as tonic water, fruit juice, flavored syrup, or cream. Cocktails vary widely acr ...
"every two songs" and remarking that a
strawberry The garden strawberry (or simply strawberry; ''Fragaria × ananassa'') is a widely grown hybrid species of the genus '' Fragaria'', collectively known as the strawberries, which are cultivated worldwide for their fruit. The fruit is widely a ...
in his drink appeared "
gay ''Gay'' is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. The term originally meant 'carefree', 'cheerful', or 'bright and showy'. While scant usage referring to male homosexuality dates to the late ...
". At the end of the commentary, during "Impossible Feeling",
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is a South Korean multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio project by the ba ...
interrupts the commentary to play loud instruments and yell that Jamie Stewart should attend a cook-out and an ice cream shop to buy a
milkshake A milkshake (sometimes simply called a shake) is a sweet beverage made by blending milk, ice cream, and flavorings or sweeteners such as butterscotch, caramel sauce, chocolate syrup, fruit syrup, or whole fruit into a thick, sweet, cold mix ...
, one of 40 available flavors. ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' was reissued and remastered on July 16, 2021, by Kill Rock Stars. As part of Kill Rock Stars' "KRS30" series (for the label's 30th anniversary), the reissue was on black, grey, white, pink and clear/black splatter vinyl and included a bonus 7" including "The Ropes Have Pulled Tight" and "Cute Pee Pee". Following this, the deluxe remaster was released on
streaming services An over-the-top media service is a streaming media service offered directly to viewers via the Internet. OTT bypasses cable, broadcast, and satellite television platforms, the companies that traditionally act as a controller or distributors of s ...
and
Bandcamp Bandcamp is an American online audio distribution platform founded in 2007 by Oddpost co-founder Ethan Diamond and programmers Shawn Grunberger, Joe Holt and Neal Tucker, with headquarters in Oakland, California, US. On March 2, 2022, Bandcamp ...
. In addition to these changes, the text reading "2010" on the bottom of the original cover was changed to "2010-2021".


Songs


Tracks 1-6

"Gray Death" prominently features
Ches Smith Gordon McChesney "Ches" Smith is an American musician, whose primary instruments are drums, percussion, and vibraphone. He recorded and performed an album of his own solo percussion pieces entitled ''Congs for Brums'' (2006). In 2010 he release ...
on
timpani Timpani (; ) or kettledrums (also informally called timps) are musical instruments in the percussion family. A type of drum categorised as a hemispherical drum, they consist of a membrane called a head stretched over a large bowl traditiona ...
, at the top of a stairwell at a "crappy rental" Jamie Stewart used to live at. Stewart compliments this sound by saying that by being recorded at the top of the staircase, Smith's playing was "starlike". The lyric "sopping wet
towel A towel is a piece of absorbent cloth or paper used for drying or wiping a surface. Towels draw moisture through direct contact. In households, several types of towels are used, such as hand towels, bath towels, and kitchen towels. Paper tow ...
of stupidity" refers to Stewart. Stewart's description of the song's title being incorrectly spelled was due to the fact that
Xiu Xiu Xiu Xiu ( ) is an American experimental band, formed in 2002 by singer-songwriter Jamie Stewart in San Jose, California. Currently, the line-up consists of Stewart (the only constant member since formation) and Angela Seo. The band's name ...
's touring agent's son name was Grey, so he changed the song's title to Gray as to "not make it sound creepy". "Chocolate Makes You Happy" is about
body image Body image is a person's thoughts, feelings and perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. The concept of body image is used in a number of disciplines, including neuroscience, psychology, medicine, psychiatry, psy ...
,
food Food is any substance consumed by an organism for nutritional support. Food is usually of plant, animal, or fungal origin, and contains essential nutrients, such as carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, or minerals. The substance is ...
, race,
self-loathing Self-hatred is personal self-loathing or hatred of oneself, or low self-esteem which may lead to self-harm. In psychology and psychiatry The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe ...
and also "just about
chocolate Chocolate is a food made from roasted and ground cacao seed kernels that is available as a liquid, solid, or paste, either on its own or as a flavoring agent in other foods. Cacao has been consumed in some form since at least the Olmec civil ...
". The lyric "incredibly dumb, incredibly ugly" also refers to Stewart. The chord changes in "Chocolate Makes You Happy" were inspired by a
Gui Boratto Guilherme Boratto (born 1974 in São Paulo) is a Brazilian electronic music producer. In the 1990s, he was a member of Sect. His debut solo album '' Chromophobia'' was awarded the title of Mixmag Album of the Month. Regarding why he chose the na ...
song. Stewart also used a sample of a boy's
choir A choir ( ; also known as a chorale or chorus) is a musical ensemble of singers. Choral music, in turn, is the music written specifically for such an ensemble to perform. Choirs may perform music from the classical music repertoire, which s ...
on the song, but remarked that "it would be cool" to have a real boy's choir next to the word "slavishness".
Greg Saunier Greg Saunier (born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill (of Hella, la ...
of
Deerhoof Deerhoof are an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. They currently consist of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised ...
compared the guitar on the song to
the Grateful Dead The Grateful Dead was an American rock band formed in 1965 in Palo Alto, California. The band is known for its eclectic style, which fused elements of rock, folk, country, jazz, bluegrass, blues, rock and roll, gospel, reggae, world music, an ...
, which is Jamie Stewart's "least favorite non-contemporary band". This remark made Stewart feel "really bad" about himself. "Apple For A Brain" has lyrics that reference the
cartoon A cartoon is a type of visual art that is typically drawn, frequently animated, in an unrealistic or semi-realistic style. The specific meaning has evolved over time, but the modern usage usually refers to either: an image or series of imag ...
characters
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series '' South Park''. He is voiced by series co-creator Matt Stone and loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough. He is a student at South Park Elementary Schoo ...
and
Pandapple This is a list of characters from Sanrio, a Japanese company specialized in creating kawaii (cute) characters. Sanrio sells and licenses products branded with these characters and has created over 450 characters. Their most successful and best kn ...
(from '' South Park'' and
Sanrio is a Japanese entertainment company. It designs, licenses, and produces products focusing on the '' kawaii'' ("cute") segment of Japanese popular culture. Their products include stationery, school supplies, gifts, and accessories which are sold ...
respectively). Stewart idolizes Butters, and the song is primarily written about him.
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is a South Korean multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio project by the ba ...
joins Stewart on vocals for the "lu-lu-lu-lu-lu" jingle, a reference to Butters' "I've got some apples" song from the eighth season ''South Park'' episodes "
You Got F'd In The A "You Got F'd in the A" (often retitled "You Got..." or "You Got Served" on television listings) is the fourth episode of the eighth season of the Comedy Central series '' South Park'', and the 115th episode overall. Going by production order, it ...
" and "
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset" is the twelfth episode in the eighth season of the American animated television series ''South Park''. The 123rd episode of the series overall, it originally aired on Comedy Central in the United States on Dec ...
". "Apple For A Brain" is about "as an adult man, being obsessed with two cartoon characters, one of which is a child and the other of which is a panda with an
apple An apple is an edible fruit produced by an apple tree (''Malus domestica''). Apple trees are cultivated worldwide and are the most widely grown species in the genus '' Malus''. The tree originated in Central Asia, where its wild ances ...
for a brain". The song includes the lyric "dispraise for what I am, a
cartoon A cartoon is a type of visual art that is typically drawn, frequently animated, in an unrealistic or semi-realistic style. The specific meaning has evolved over time, but the modern usage usually refers to either: an image or series of imag ...
with no friends, oh yeah yeah yeah". This is referential to how Butters is depicted as more naive, optimistic and gullible than the show's other young characters and can become increasingly
anxious Anxiety is an emotion which is characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil and includes feelings of dread over anticipated events. Anxiety is different than fear in that the former is defined as the anticipation of a future threat wh ...
, similar to other emotional themes on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself''. The weeping sound in the song is a slowed-down and backwards sample from the film ''
Double Suicide is a 1969 film directed by Masahiro Shinoda. It is based on the 1721 play ''The Love Suicides at Amijima'' by Monzaemon Chikamatsu. This play is often performed with puppets. In the film, the story is performed with live actors but makes use ...
''. The flute sound at the end is from an
Optigan The Optigan (a portmanteau of Optical Organ) is an electronic keyboard instrument designed for the consumer market. The name stems from the instrument's reliance on pre-recorded optical soundtracks to reproduce sound. Later versions (built under ...
keyboard. "House Sparrow" was initially "a complete disaster" before it was re-arranged by Greg Saunier, who Stewart refers to as "the
maestro Maestro (; from the Italian '' maestro'' , meaning " master" or "teacher") is an honorific title of respect (plural: maestros or maestri). The term is most commonly used in the context of Western classical music and opera, in line with the ubi ...
". Saunier also plays
bass guitar The bass guitar, electric bass or simply bass (), is the lowest-pitched member of the string family. It is a plucked string instrument similar in appearance and construction to an electric or an acoustic guitar, but with a longer neck and s ...
on the song. "House Sparrow"'s subject is American
necrophile Necrophilia, also known as necrophilism, necrolagnia, necrocoitus, necrochlesis, and thanatophilia, is sexual attraction towards or a sexual act involving corpses. It is classified as a paraphilia by the World Health Organization (WHO) in its ' ...
and
cannibalistic Cannibalism is the act of consuming another individual of the same species as food. Cannibalism is a common ecological interaction in the animal kingdom and has been recorded in more than 1,500 species. Human cannibalism is well documented, bo ...
serial killer A serial killer is typically a person who murders three or more persons,A * * * * with the murders taking place over more than a month and including a significant period of time between them. While most authorities set a threshold of three ...
Richard Chase Richard Trenton Chase (May 23, 1950 – December 26, 1980) was an American serial killer, cannibal, and necrophile who killed six people in the span of a month in 1977 and 1978 in Sacramento, California. He was nicknamed The Vampire of Sacr ...
. A
music video A music video is a video of variable duration, that integrates a music song or a music album with imagery that is produced for promotional or musical artistic purposes. Modern music videos are primarily made and used as a music marketing devi ...
for "House Sparrow" was released, directed by
Jason LaRay Keener Jason LaRay Keener (born May 12, 1985) is an American filmmaker from Alabama. He is best known for his stream-of-conscious, non-linear shorts. He is related to serial killer Nannie Doss. In 2006, he founded the Jacksonville State University Film ...
. The music video features footage of children playing with
snail A snail is, in loose terms, a shelled gastropod. The name is most often applied to land snails, terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs. However, the common name ''snail'' is also used for most of the members of the molluscan class G ...
s interspersed with zoomed-in spermatazoons, which shortly cuts to news reports about a fictional
missing child Child abduction or child theft is the unauthorized removal of a minor (a child under the age of legal adulthood) from the custody of the child's natural parents or legally appointed guardians. The term ''child abduction'' includes two legal ...
and the
search-and-rescue Search and rescue (SAR) is the search for and provision of aid to people who are in distress or imminent danger. The general field of search and rescue includes many specialty sub-fields, typically determined by the type of terrain the search ...
operation that followed her disappearance. "Hyunhye's Theme" was the first song written for ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' that made it onto the final tracklist, which Stewart comments on by saying that "five or so songs" were written before "Hyunhye's Theme" that did not make it onto any Xiu Xiu project. "Hyunhye's Theme" also includes nods to a
Korean diaspora The Korean diaspora (South Korea: or , North Korea: or ) consists of around 7.3 million people, both descendants of early emigrants from the Korean Peninsula, as well as more recent emigres from Korea. Around 84.5% of overseas Koreans live in ...
that exists in a
Los Angeles Los Angeles ( ; es, Los Ángeles, link=no , ), often referred to by its initials L.A., is the largest city in the state of California and the second most populous city in the United States after New York City, as well as one of the wor ...
valley, as well as the Xiu Xiu song "
I Luv The Valley OH! ''Fabulous Muscles'' is the third album by American experimental band Xiu Xiu, released on February 17, 2004 on 5 Rue Christine. The album marked a change in the band's sound, described as a depressive mix between experimental rock and synth-po ...
" which is about, "amongst other things", the aforementioned valley. Musically, "Hyunhye's Theme" is also a tribute to
Brazil Brazil ( pt, Brasil; ), officially the Federative Republic of Brazil (Portuguese: ), is the largest country in both South America and Latin America. At and with over 217 million people, Brazil is the world's fifth-largest country by area ...
ian composer
Tom Zé Antônio José Santana Martins (born 11 October 1936), known professionally as Tom Zé (), is a Brazilian singer-songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, and composer who was influential in the Tropicália movement of 1960s Brazil. After the peak of t ...
, who influenced the song by influencing Xiu Xiu to use industrial sounds and
musique concrète Musique concrète (; ): " problem for any translator of an academic work in French is that the language is relatively abstract and theoretical compared to English; one might even say that the mode of thinking itself tends to be more schematic, wit ...
. "Hyunhye" refers to Hyunhye Seo, the birth-name of Xiu Xiu member Angela Seo. The title track, "Dear God, I Hate Myself" included drum machine and
synthesizer A synthesizer (also spelled synthesiser) is an electronic musical instrument that generates audio signals. Synthesizers typically create sounds by generating waveforms through methods including subtractive synthesis, additive synthesis ...
sounds done on the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg MS- ...
. The
guitar The guitar is a fretted musical instrument that typically has six strings. It is usually held flat against the player's body and played by strumming or plucking the strings with the dominant hand, while simultaneously pressing selected string ...
on "Dear God, I Hate Myself" was influenced by
Tom Petty Thomas Earl Petty (October 20, 1950October 2, 2017) was an American musician who was the lead vocalist and guitarist of the rock band Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, formed in 1976. He previously led the band Mudcrutch, was a member of the late ...
's style of guitars. Stewart later called the lyrics on "Dear God, I Hate Myself" "laughably direct", a result of a period where Stewart could write "one of those rare songs where the lyrics just poured out, because it was happening at that moment and I could write everything that was occurring, without having to analyze it or look into the back pages of some
masterwork A masterpiece, ''magnum opus'' (), or ''chef-d’œuvre'' (; ; ) in modern use is a creation that has been given much critical praise, especially one that is considered the greatest work of a person's career or a work of outstanding creativity, ...
of
literature Literature is any collection of written work, but it is also used more narrowly for writings specifically considered to be an art form, especially prose fiction, drama, and poetry. In recent centuries, the definition has expanded to inclu ...
and just steal lines from it." The lyric "Flip off the mirror in protest, who the F-word are you?" is a nod to "I Broke Up (SJ)" from ''
Knife Play ''Knife Play'' is the debut studio album by Xiu Xiu, released on February 19, 2002. Content A sticker on the cover of the album reads "When my mom died I listened to Henry Cowell, Joy Division, Detroit techno, the Smiths, Takemitsu, Sabbath ...
''. The cymbal crash in the song was also adopted from "Gayle Lynn" from ''
Women as Lovers ''Women as Lovers'' is the sixth studio album by American avant-garde band Xiu Xiu. It was released on January 29, 2008, by Kill Rock Stars, and shares its title with the Martin Chalmers translation of Elfriede Jelinek's 1975 novel ''Die Lieb ...
.'' A music video for "Dear God, I Hate Myself" was released on February 1, 2010. The video features Xiu Xiu member Angela Seo forcing her hands down her throat and frequently
vomiting Vomiting (also known as emesis and throwing up) is the involuntary, forceful expulsion of the contents of one's stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. Vomiting can be the result of ailments like food poisoning, gastroenteri ...
, while Jamie Stewart eats a large and expensive Escazu
chocolate bar A chocolate bar (Commonwealth English) or candy bar (some dialects of American English) is a confection containing chocolate, which may also contain layerings or mixtures that include nuts, fruit, caramel, nougat, and wafers. A flat, easily b ...
. Eventually, the video culminates with Seo vomiting on Stewart, who has been dancing throughout the video's duration. The video was taken down by
YouTube YouTube is a global online video sharing and social media platform headquartered in San Bruno, California. It was launched on February 14, 2005, by Steve Chen, Chad Hurley, and Jawed Karim. It is owned by Google, and is the second most ...
for a "terms of use" violation, and eventually re-uploaded to
Vimeo Vimeo, Inc. () is an American video hosting, sharing, and services platform provider headquartered in New York City. Vimeo focuses on the delivery of high-definition video across a range of devices. Vimeo's business model is through software a ...
. ''The Harvard Crimson'' said that the
meter The metre ( British spelling) or meter ( American spelling; see spelling differences) (from the French unit , from the Greek noun , "measure"), symbol m, is the primary unit of length in the International System of Units (SI), though its pr ...
of "Dear God, I Hate Myself" brings to mind the "driving compositions" of New Order.


Tracks 7-12

"Secret Motel" was composed entirely using the
KORG DS-10 ''KORG DS-10'' is a music creation program for the Nintendo DS that emulates the Korg MS range of synthesizers. Frequently people refer to the Korg MS-10, however the MS-10 is a single oscillator monosynth. The DS-10 adds sync which the Korg MS- ...
software. "Secret Motel" was written on
train In rail transport, a train (from Old French , from Latin , "to pull, to draw") is a series of connected vehicles that run along a railway track and transport people or freight. Trains are typically pulled or pushed by locomotives (often k ...
s while Xiu Xiu was traveling during a 2010
Europe Europe is a large peninsula conventionally considered a continent in its own right because of its great physical size and the weight of its history and traditions. Europe is also considered a subcontinent of Eurasia and it is located enti ...
an tour. Stewart has called the sounds on "Secret Motel" "ncredibly fast and intertwining lines going bonkers all up and down multiple octaves with zimzam death-cute sounds". The cymbal crash on "Secret Motel" was also taken from "Gayle Lynn" from ''
Women as Lovers ''Women as Lovers'' is the sixth studio album by American avant-garde band Xiu Xiu. It was released on January 29, 2008, by Kill Rock Stars, and shares its title with the Martin Chalmers translation of Elfriede Jelinek's 1975 novel ''Die Lieb ...
'', similarly to the previous track. The song also features a period of vocal
scatting In vocal jazz, scat singing is vocal improvisation with wordless vocables, nonsense syllables or without words at all. In scat singing, the singer improvises melodies and rhythms using the voice as an instrument rather than a speaking medium. ...
and beeping on a toy
stylophone The Stylophone is a miniature analog electronic keyboard musical instrument played with a stylus. Invented in 1967 by Brian Jarvis, it entered production in 1968, manufactured by Dubreq. Some three million Stylophones were sold, mostly as chi ...
. "Falkland Rd." is about sex trafficking and includes lines from ''Sex Trafficking: Inside The Business of Modern Slavery'' by
Siddharth Kara Siddharth Kara is an American author, activist, and expert on modern-day slavery and human trafficking, child labor, and related human rights issues. He is a British Academy Global Professor, an Adjunct Lecturer in Public Policy at the Kennedy ...
. The "Falkland Rd." title refers to the real-life Falkland Road in
New Delhi New Delhi (, , ''Naī Dillī'') is the Capital city, capital of India and a part of the NCT Delhi, National Capital Territory of Delhi (NCT). New Delhi is the seat of all three branches of the government of India, hosting the Rashtrapati B ...
, the city's "notorious
red-light district A red-light district or pleasure district is a part of an urban area where a concentration of prostitution and sex-oriented businesses, such as sex shops, strip clubs, and adult theaters, are found. In most cases, red-light districts are parti ...
" which according to Stewart, contained many underage
sex worker A sex worker is a person who provides sex work, either on a regular or occasional basis. The term is used in reference to those who work in all areas of the sex industry.Oxford English Dictionary, "sex worker" According to one view, sex work i ...
s from
Nepal Nepal (; ne, नेपाल ), formerly the Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal ( ne, सङ्घीय लोकतान्त्रिक गणतन्त्र नेपाल ), is a landlocked country in South Asia. It is ma ...
who were terrorized and trafficked. Ches Smith also plays
vibraphone The vibraphone is a percussion instrument in the metallophone family. It consists of tuned metal bars and is typically played by using mallets to strike the bars. A person who plays the vibraphone is called a ''vibraphonist,'' ''vibraharpist, ...
on "Falkland Rd." "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation" is named after Fabrizio Palumbo of Larsen, (r), Blind Cave Salamander and XXL (a collaboration between Xiu Xiu and Larsen). The working title of "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation" was "Pinot Pinot", named after a two-person band that Jamie Stewart had encountered while working in
college radio Campus radio (also known as college radio, university radio or student radio) is a type of radio station that is run by the students of a college, university or other educational institution. Programming may be exclusively created or produced ...
. Jamie Stewart also remarks that he was "the first person to ever record Ragady Anne" (who later became
The Donnas The Donnas were an American rock band formed in Palo Alto, California, in 1993. The band consisted of Brett Anderson (lead vocals), Allison Robertson (guitar, backing vocals), Maya Ford (bass guitar, backing vocals) and Torry Castellano (dru ...
) during this time period after meeting Pinot Pinot. "Cumberland Gap" is an interpolation of the traditional song of the same name. John Dieterich of Deerhoof played everything on "Cumberland Gap" (including the quatro and the dobro) with the exception of the
banjo The banjo is a stringed instrument with a thin membrane stretched over a frame or cavity to form a resonator. The membrane is typically circular, and usually made of plastic, or occasionally animal skin. Early forms of the instrument were fashi ...
and vocals (by Stewart). Stewart's uncle,
John Stewart John Stewart may refer to: Business * John Aikman Stewart (1822–1926), American banker * John Killough Stewart (1867–1938), businessman and philanthropist in Queensland, Australia * John K. Stewart (1870–1916), American entrepreneur and inv ...
, influenced Stewart's banjo playing on the song. "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)" is the penultimate track of ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'', and is the song on the record that most features the high school / junior high Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra on brass and woodwinds. Stewart marks that it was "extremely enjoyable" to work with these "catholic young adults of North Carolina". "This Too Shall Pass Away" was called an "ode to heartbreak and healing" by ''Terrorbird''. The song received a
music video A music video is a video of variable duration, that integrates a music song or a music album with imagery that is produced for promotional or musical artistic purposes. Modern music videos are primarily made and used as a music marketing devi ...
directed by C. Spencer Yeh, and portrays "young 20-something life in the style of an overhead '
dungeon crawl A dungeon crawl is a type of scenario in fantasy role-playing games in which heroes navigate a labyrinth environment (a " dungeon"), battling various monsters, avoiding traps, solving puzzles, and looting any treasure they may find. Video games ...
er'
video game Video games, also known as computer games, are electronic games that involves interaction with a user interface or input device such as a joystick, game controller, controller, computer keyboard, keyboard, or motion sensing device to gener ...
" similar to ''
The Legend of Zelda ''The Legend of Zelda'' is an action-adventure game franchise created by the Japanese game designers Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi Tezuka. It is primarily developed and published by Nintendo, although some portable installments and re-releas ...
'' and ''
The Real World Real World or The Real World may also refer to: * Real life, a phrase to distinguish between the real world and fictional, virtual or idealized worlds Television * ''The Real World'' (TV series), 1992–2017 * "The Real World" (''Stargate Atla ...
''. Yeh had previously directed a video for
Deerhoof Deerhoof are an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. They currently consist of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised ...
's " Buck and Judy", and repurposed the style in the music video for "This Too Shall Pass Away". The composition of "This Too Shall Pass Away" include bells ran through the Enigma plugin for the
Waves Waves most often refers to: * Waves, oscillations accompanied by a transfer of energy that travel through space or mass. *Wind waves, surface waves that occur on the free surface of bodies of water. Waves may also refer to: Music *Waves (band ...
software, which Stewart remarked "made the bells sound like a de-tuned electro gamalan." The "Steven" mentioned in the song is
Steven Morrissey Steven Patrick Morrissey (; born 22 May 1959), known professionally as Morrissey, is an English singer and songwriter. He came to prominence as the frontman and lyricist of rock band the Smiths, who were active from 1982 to 1987. Since the ...
, who Stewart has previously mentioned being a fan of, listening to ''
The Queen Is Dead ''The Queen Is Dead'' is the third studio album by English rock band the Smiths. Released on 16 June 1986 in the United Kingdom by Rough Trade Records, and on 23 June 1986 in the US by Sire Records, it spent 22 weeks on the UK Albums Chart, pea ...
'' by Morrissey's band
The Smiths The Smiths were an English rock band formed in Manchester in 1982. They comprised the singer Morrissey, the guitarist Johnny Marr, the bassist Andy Rourke and the drummer Mike Joyce. They are regarded as one of the most important acts to em ...
during the making of ''
The Air Force ''The Air Force'' is the fifth album by Xiu Xiu. It was released on September 12, 2006, and is produced by Greg Saunier of Deerhoof, who also performs on the album with band members Caralee McElroy and Jamie Stewart. Production The albu ...
''. "Impossible Feeling" contains piano played by Angela Seo. "Impossible Feeling" is also the only song on ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' which contains real
drums A drum kit (also called a drum set, trap set, or simply drums) is a collection of drums, cymbals, and other auxiliary percussion instruments set up to be played by one person. The player (drummer) typically holds a pair of matching drumsticks ...
, recorded before Stewart moved to Durham in
Oakland, California Oakland is the largest city and the county seat of Alameda County, California, United States. A major West Coast of the United States, West Coast port, Oakland is the largest city in the East Bay region of the San Francisco Bay Area, the third ...
. Ches Smith played and recorded the drum set in an apartment building. The song ends with a "long drone" which was "stolen from someone else", who Stewart never mentioned. Stewart remarked that "who doesn't (steal ideas from other people), except
Jesus Christ Jesus, likely from he, יֵשׁוּעַ, translit=Yēšūaʿ, label=Hebrew/Aramaic ( AD 30 or 33), also referred to as Jesus Christ or Jesus of Nazareth (among other names and titles), was a first-century Jewish preacher and religious ...
,
Abraham Abraham, ; ar, , , name=, group= (originally Abram) is the common Hebrews, Hebrew patriarch of the Abrahamic religions, including Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. In Judaism, he is the founding father of the Covenant (biblical), special ...
,
Buddha Siddhartha Gautama, most commonly referred to as the Buddha, was a wandering ascetic and religious teacher who lived in South Asia during the 6th or 5th century BCE and founded Buddhism. According to Buddhist tradition, he was born in ...
, and
Muhammad Muhammad ( ar, مُحَمَّد;  570 – 8 June 632 CE) was an Arab religious, social, and political leader and the founder of Islam. According to Islamic doctrine, he was a prophet divinely inspired to preach and confirm the monot ...
." During the recording of the drunk commentary for ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'', Angela Seo interrupted the commentary of this track to loudly play instruments and demand that Jamie Stewart get a
milkshake A milkshake (sometimes simply called a shake) is a sweet beverage made by blending milk, ice cream, and flavorings or sweeteners such as butterscotch, caramel sauce, chocolate syrup, fruit syrup, or whole fruit into a thick, sweet, cold mix ...
, one of 40 flavors.


Bonus tracks

"The Ropes Have Pulled Tight" references the Immaculata Catholic School, the Orchestra of which was prominently used in "This Too Shall Pass Away (For Freddy)" among other tracks. "Cute Pee Pee" is a
fetishistic A fetish (derived from the French , which comes from the Portuguese , and this in turn from Latin , 'artificial' and , 'to make') is an object believed to have supernatural powers, or in particular, a human-made object that has power over oth ...
depiction of a mouth being filled with urine.


Themes

"Chocolate Makes You Happy" is about an
eating disorder An eating disorder is a mental disorder defined by abnormal eating behaviors that negatively affect a person's physical or mental health. Only one eating disorder can be diagnosed at a given time. Types of eating disorders include binge eating ...
, depicting the subject of the song forcing their hands down their throat to vomit. "Apple for a Brain" depicts Jamie Stewart's fanaticism for fictional characters
Butters Stotch Leopold "Butters" Stotch is a fictional character in the adult animated television series '' South Park''. He is voiced by series co-creator Matt Stone and loosely based on co-producer Eric Stough. He is a student at South Park Elementary Schoo ...
(of '' South Park'') and
Pandapple This is a list of characters from Sanrio, a Japanese company specialized in creating kawaii (cute) characters. Sanrio sells and licenses products branded with these characters and has created over 450 characters. Their most successful and best kn ...
(of
Sanrio is a Japanese entertainment company. It designs, licenses, and produces products focusing on the '' kawaii'' ("cute") segment of Japanese popular culture. Their products include stationery, school supplies, gifts, and accessories which are sold ...
fame). The lyrics for "Apple for a Brain" include Stewart's interpolation of Butters' " I've Got Some Apples" jingle.


Critical reception

''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' received positive reviews upon release. ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' holds a 74/100 on
Metacritic Metacritic is a website that aggregates reviews of films, TV shows, music albums, video games and formerly, books. For each product, the scores from each review are averaged (a weighted average). Metacritic was created by Jason Dietz, Marc ...
, indicating "generally favorable" reviews. ''
AllMusic AllMusic (previously known as All-Music Guide and AMG) is an American online music database. It catalogs more than three million album entries and 30 million tracks, as well as information on musicians and bands. Initiated in 1991, the dat ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five. ''
The Boston Globe ''The Boston Globe'' is an American daily newspaper founded and based in Boston, Massachusetts. The newspaper has won a total of 27 Pulitzer Prizes, and has a total circulation of close to 300,000 print and digital subscribers. ''The Boston Glob ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' favorable reviews. ''
Drowned in Sound ''Drowned in Sound'', sometimes abbreviated to ''DiS'', is a UK-based music webzine financed by artist management company Silentway. Founded by editor Sean Adams, the site features reviews, news, interviews, and discussion forums. History '' ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 7/10, saying that "influences are thrown in and bounced around with the mania of a '' Take A Break'' prizewinner’s trolley dash". ''
MusicOMH MusicOMH (stylized as musicOMH) is a London-based online music magazine which publishes independent reviews, features and interviews from across all genres including classical, metal, rock and R&B. History MusicOMH was founded and launched by ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' 4 stars out of 5, stating that it "covers a considerable range of sounds." ''
Pitchfork A pitchfork (also a hay fork) is an agricultural tool with a long handle and two to five tines used to lift and pitch or throw loose material, such as hay, straw, manure, or leaves. The term is also applied colloquially, but inaccurately, to ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 7.3/10, remarking that "with
Caralee McElroy Caralee McElroy (born December 27, 1983) is a Brooklyn-based American multi-instrumentalist who has played in the bands Xiu Xiu, XXL, and Cold Cave. Biography McElroy was born in Olympia, WA and was raised in Modesto, California and Seattle, Wa ...
gone, Jamie Stewart enlists new guests and experiments with 8-bit textures. It's still Xiu Xiu though: look at the title." ''
PopMatters ''PopMatters'' is an international online magazine of cultural criticism that covers aspects of popular culture. ''PopMatters'' publishes reviews, interviews, and essays on cultural products and expressions in areas such as music, television, f ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' a 6/10. ''
Slant Magazine ''Slant Magazine'' is an American online publication that features reviews of movies, music, TV, DVDs, theater, and video games, as well as interviews with actors, directors, and musicians. The site covers various film festivals like the New Yo ...
'' gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five, calling it "Xiu Xiu's most vibrant album since ''
Fabulous Muscles ''Fabulous Muscles'' is the third album by American experimental band Xiu Xiu, released on February 17, 2004 on 5 Rue Christine. The album marked a change in the band's sound, described as a depressive mix between experimental rock and synth-pop ...
''". ''
Spin Spin or spinning most often refers to: * Spinning (textiles), the creation of yarn or thread by twisting fibers together, traditionally by hand spinning * Spin, the rotation of an object around a central axis * Spin (propaganda), an intentionally b ...
'' and ''
Tiny Mix Tapes ''Tiny Mix Tapes'' (also ''TMT'' or ''tinymixtapes'') is an online music and film webzine that focuses primarily on new music and related news. In addition to its reviews, it is noted for its subversive, political, and sometimes surreal news, ...
'' both gave ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' four stars out of five. The latter compared ''Dear God, I Hate Myself'' to the likes of
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (OMD) are an English electronic band formed in Wirral, Merseyside, in 1978. The group consists of co-founders Andy McCluskey (vocals, bass guitar) and Paul Humphreys (keyboards, vocals), along with Martin ...
,
Joy Division Joy Division were an English rock band formed in Salford in 1976. The group consisted of vocalist Ian Curtis, guitarist/keyboardist Bernard Sumner, bassist Peter Hook and drummer Stephen Morris. Sumner and Hook formed the band after att ...
and
Deerhoof Deerhoof are an American musical group formed in San Francisco in 1994. They currently consist of founding drummer Greg Saunier, bassist and singer Satomi Matsuzaki, and guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez. Beginning as an improvised ...
.


Track listing

All tracks written by Jamie Stewart except for "
Cumberland Gap The Cumberland Gap is a pass through the long ridge of the Cumberland Mountains, within the Appalachian Mountains, near the junction of the U.S. states of Kentucky, Virginia, and Tennessee. It is famous in American colonial history for i ...
" (Traditional)


Credits

*Recorded in
Oakland, CA Oakland is the largest city and the county seat of Alameda County, California, United States. A major West Coast of the United States, West Coast port, Oakland is the largest city in the East Bay region of the San Francisco Bay Area, the third ...
and
Durham, NC Durham ( ) is a city in the U.S. state of North Carolina and the county seat of Durham County. Small portions of the city limits extend into Orange County and Wake County. With a population of 283,506 in the 2020 Census, Durham is the 4th-mo ...
*Mixed by
Greg Saunier Greg Saunier (born 18 May 1969) is a musician, producer, and composer best known as the drummer and founding member of Deerhoof. ''Rolling Stone'' included Saunier alongside Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt) and Zach Hill (of Hella, la ...
*Produced by Thee Fallings Out Brose *Design by Joe Stewart *Sticker by J. Morrison *Mastered by Brent Lambert at Kitchen * Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra conducted by Consolata Lopez *All songs published by Will It Burn Music BMI except "
Cumberland Gap The Cumberland Gap is a pass through the long ridge of the Cumberland Mountains, within the Appalachian Mountains, near the junction of the U.S. states of Kentucky, Virginia, and Tennessee. It is famous in American colonial history for i ...
" (Traditional) on "Gray Death": *Greg Saunier – mandolin, guitar, synth *
Ches Smith Gordon McChesney "Ches" Smith is an American musician, whose primary instruments are drums, percussion, and vibraphone. He recorded and performed an album of his own solo percussion pieces entitled ''Congs for Brums'' (2006). In 2010 he release ...
– timpani, snare * Jamie Stewart – vox, guitar, the bass guitar, gongs, tambourine, electronic percussion, track whistles, bird calls, snare *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – strings on "Chocolate Makes You Happy": *
Angela Seo Hyunhye Seo, professionally known as Angela Seo, is a South Korean multi-instrumentalist and vocalist best known for her role in American experimental band Xiu Xiu. Seo joined Xiu Xiu in 2009, and has contributed to every studio project by the ba ...
– piano *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, guitar, the bass guitar, harmonium, synth, gongs, samples on "Apple for a Brain": *Ches Smith – moog, cymbal *Angela Seo – vox *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, optigan, samples, desk bell, chamberlin, bird call on "House Sparrow": *Ches Smith – moog *Greg Saunier – the bass guitar, electronic percussion, hand claps *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, guitar, hand claps, synth, harmonium on "Hyunhye's Theme": *Gabrielle Ataladye – cello *Angela Seo – programming *Jamie Stewart – vox, guitar, percussion, tenor recorder, samples, piano, synth on "Dear God, I Hate Myself": *Greg Saunier – the bass guitar *Angela Seo – vox *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, guitar, the bass guitar, castanets, tambourine, optigan, percussion on "Secret Motel": *Jamie Stewart – vox, game boy, guitar, samples, stylophone, synth on "Falkland Rd.": *Caralee McElroy – the bass guitar, electronics *Greg Saunier – electronic percussion, samples *Ches Smith – snare, vibraphone *Jamie Stewart – vox, piano, programming, guitar, synth, optigan, electronics, celeste, glockenspiel *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – strings on "The Fabrizio Palumbo Retaliation": *Caralee McElroy – bass synth, electronics, flute *Greg Saunier – drum set *Ches Smith – drum set *Jamie Stewart – vox, piano, programming, guitar, the bass guitar, electronics, bird call, percussion, organ, tambourine on "Cumberland Gap": *
John Dieterich John is a common English name and surname: * John (given name) * John (surname) John may also refer to: New Testament Works * Gospel of John, a title often shortened to John * First Epistle of John, often shortened to 1 John * Second E ...
– drum set, quatro, dobro, percussion, the bass guitar *Jamie Stewart – vox, banjo on "This Too Shall Pass Away (for Freddy)": *Greg Saunier – guitar, synth *Angela Seo – synth *Ches Smith – bongos, kalimba, cymbal *Jamie Stewart – vox, programming, the bass guitar, organ, guitar *Immaculata Catholic School Orchestra – brass, woodwinds on "Impossible Feeling": *Gabrielle Ataylada – cello *Greg Saunier – electronic percussion *Angela Seo – piano *Ches Smith – drum set, conga *Jamie Stewart – vox, string arr., the bass guitar, tuning forks, cymbals, harmonium


References

{{Authority control 2010 albums Xiu Xiu albums Kill Rock Stars albums