The Castle (radio Series)
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''The Castle'' is a
BBC Radio 4 BBC Radio 4 is a British national radio station owned and operated by the BBC that replaced the BBC Home Service in 1967. It broadcasts a wide variety of spoken-word programmes, including news, drama, comedy, science and history from the BBC' ...
comedy set in the Middle Ages and referencing modern life: in the words of its own introduction, "a comedy set in the filth, grime, stench and brutality of the Middle Ages, with some nice music". The exact timeframe of the series is not fixed; one episode specifies it to be in the early 12th century, yet another references
Joan of Arc Joan of Arc (french: link=yes, Jeanne d'Arc, translit= an daʁk} ; 1412 – 30 May 1431) is a patron saint of France, honored as a defender of the French nation for her role in the siege of Orléans and her insistence on the coronati ...
. It is written by
Kim Fuller Kim Fuller (born 15 June 1951 in Hastings, England) is an English writer for film, radio and television. He is the brother of music manager and ''Idols'' series creator Simon Fuller. Career Kim Fuller has been writing for television for over 40 ...
and, from series 2, Paul Alexander with additional dialogue by
Nick Doody Nick Doody (born 1972 in Shipley, West Yorkshire) is a British stand-up comedian. Doody featured as a guest on vox-pop television shows and radio broadcasts such as '' Political Animal''. He wrote for the television series ''FAQ U'', featured o ...
,
Matt Kirshen Matt may refer to: *Matt (name), people with the given name ''Matt'' or Matthew, meaning "gift from God", or the surname Matt *In British English, of a surface: having a non-glossy finish, see gloss (material appearance) *Matt, Switzerland, a mu ...
and Paul Dornan. It was first broadcast on 7 September 2007, at 11.30am, and a second series began on Friday 2 January 2009 in the same time slot. Series 3 debuted on Wednesday 14 July 2010. Series 4 began its broadcast in 2012. All four series were produced by
David Tyler (producer) David Tyler (born 24 June 1961) is a British television and radio comedy producer, executive producer, and director. He is co-founder of the independent production company Pozzitive Television, which he set up in 1992 with Geoff Posner. Pozzitiv ...
for Pozzitive Television.


Episodes


Series 1

#''The Joust'' - Sir William De Warenne moves into the castle next door and discovers the lovely Anne. Anne discovers gorgeous peasant Sam. Charlotte discovers that she is supposed to stay out of the way. #''The Sam Plan'' - An unexpected lion and the world's first satellite dish spell trouble for Anne's hoped-for romance with Sam Tree. #''The Party'' - Sir William decides to woo Lady Anne with a swearing cook and a chocolate fountain. #''Themed Park'' - Sir John decides to open a "theme castle" but Sir William steals his idea, and Sam Tree decides to save Unicorn Forest from De Warenne's proposed casino. #''The Recruitment'' - The village pub acquires two new mysterious barmaids as Anne and Charlotte plot to ensnare Sam Tree. Sir William De Warenne gets in touch with his feminine side whilst Duncan gets in touch with his masculine one. #''Execution is an Art Form'' - Sir John tires of acting as the local
magistrate The term magistrate is used in a variety of systems of governments and laws to refer to a civilian officer who administers the law. In ancient Rome, a '' magistratus'' was one of the highest ranking government officers, and possessed both judici ...
, and hands the job over to Sir William who, having realized that Sam stands between him and Anne, uses his position to condemn Sam to death. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the scaffold is built using Thomas's latest invention - the flat pack.


Series 2

#''Houston We Have A Problemme'' - Sir John seeks professional help for his depression, Sir William fails a health-and-safety inspection of his torture chamber and Sam departs Woodstock by rocket. #''Nice To Gavotte You, To Gavotte You Nice'' - Anne seeks a replacement for Sam, her father falls for the exotic Countess de Totty (
Katy Brand Katherine Frances Brand (born 1979), known as Katy Brand, is an English actress, comedian and writer, known for her ITV2 series ''Katy Brand's Big Ass Show'' and for Comedy Lab ''Slap'' on Channel 4. Early life and education Brand was born in ...
) and Sir William enters ''Celebrity Strictly Come Gavotting''. #''Is This A Turnip That I See Before Me?'' - A theatrical troupe led by Will Shakeshaft ( Lewis MacLeod) visits the town, an opportunity that both Anne and De Warenne try to take advantage of. #''Pool Party Of Doom'' - De Warenne invites his friend the Earl of Essex and his daughter Trish, hoping to flirt with the latter to make Anne jealous, whilst CSI arrives to investigate a murder victim from 15 years ago found by Time Team in Sir John's moat. #''Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Visor'' - At Anne and Charlotte's urging, Sir John Woodstock puts on a rock music festival, much to the displeasure of the Pope, and Sir William gives a whole new meaning to "heavy metal". #''Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Filled With Helium'' - Lord Clarkson arrives and tries to get his hands of Sir John's estate by marrying Anne so Peter Stringfellow can build a lap-dancing club there, and Merlin uses helium to give Charlotte a
breast enhancement Breast enlargement is the enlargement of the breasts. It may occur naturally as in mammoplasia or may occur artificially through active intervention. Many women regard their breasts, which are female secondary sex characteristics, as important to t ...
in an attempt to distract Clarkson.


Series 3

#''The Dragon Of Mass Destruction'' - Sir William is interrogated by the Chilcott Enquiry, Sir John receives a letter from Lady Lumley of Purdey, and Henry falls in love with Lady Lindsay de Lohan. #''The Pilchards Of Doom'' - King Russell de Brand pays a visit, Sir John is challenged to a duel by Lady Lumley's husband, and Thomas attempts to discover the origins of the universe with the aid of Lord Hadron and his steed Collider. #''The Snowballs Of Hell'' - During an exceptionally cold winter (in August), Sir John permits the whole village population to move into the castle for the duration, but gang warfare soon breaks out. Meanwhile, Charlotte gets intimate with Merlin and Anne catches up with an old flame. #''The Vuvuzela Of Terror'' - Sir John struggles to convince His Majesty's Chancellor to pass his expense claims for moat-cleaning. To help justify the moat, Sir William stages a fake attack on the castle with some characters borrowed from ''
Dad's Army ''Dad's Army'' is a British television British sitcom, sitcom about the United Kingdom's Home Guard (United Kingdom), Home Guard during the World War II, Second World War. It was written by Jimmy Perry and David Croft (TV producer), David Crof ...
''. #''Four Wiseguys And A Funeral'' - Sir William sets out to write his autobiography, but is visited by gangsters who threaten to reveal his darkest secret. #''There's No Place Like Woodstock'' - Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber arrives in Woodstock, and stages a production of "The Wizard Of Oz" starring Lady Anne as Dorothy.


Series 4

#''Tender is the Knight'' - Sir John fills his castle with wounded soldiers and De Warenne fills his trousers with ice. Plus a new valet arrives hotfoot from somewhere called Downton Abbey. #''The Only Way is Ethics'' - Someone, or something, is hacking into peoples' private conversations and Master Henry could end up in jail. Meanwhile, Lady Anne has taken to nuzzling De Warenne's trusty War Horse. #''Highlights and Twilights'' - Two mysterious visitors, one deathly pale and one deathly orange. It's the love that dare not speak its name and the love that can speak its name but can't pronounce it properly. #''Boogie Knights'' - The wedding of the decade is almost ruined by 200 tents and an overexcited woodpecker, while Henry, Duncan and De Warenne gatecrash a rather special hen night. #''Give Me the Flaming Torch'' - The Olympics are coming to Woodstock, so what better time for Sir William to go on a go-slow and for Henry to hunt for dragons? Meanwhile, Sir John tries to get fit. #''A Term for the Worse'' - Anne's off to Cambridge, but Charlotte doesn't know the meaning of the word 'thick'. Literally. Is this the end of a beautiful friendship?


Popular culture references

*In all episodes, musical interludes between scenes consist of well-known rock tunes such as "Paranoid" and "Relax", played in a medieval style, using instruments like the
recorder Recorder or The Recorder may refer to: Newspapers * ''Indianapolis Recorder'', a weekly newspaper * ''The Recorder'' (Massachusetts newspaper), a daily newspaper published in Greenfield, Massachusetts, US * ''The Recorder'' (Port Pirie), a news ...
and the
lute A lute ( or ) is any plucked string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, usually with a sound hole or opening in the body. It may be either fretted or unfretted. More specifically, the term "lute" can ref ...
.


Series 1

*Episode 3: "broad carriage" in lieu of broadband, Gordon de Ramsay and a witch in lieu of
Gordon Ramsay Gordon James Ramsay (; born ) is a British chef, restaurateur, television personality and writer. His restaurant group, Gordon Ramsay Restaurants, was founded in 1997 and has been awarded 17 Michelin stars overall; it currently holds a tot ...
and
Nigella Lawson Nigella Lucy Lawson (born 6 January 1960) is an English food writer and television cook. She attended Godolphin and Latymer School, London. After graduating from the University of Oxford, where she was a member of Lady Margaret Hall, Lawson ...
, "What Ho!" and "Oi! Varlet" in magazine in place of ''Hello!'' magazine, "Make the Pox History!" in lieu of
Make Poverty History Make Poverty History are organizations in a number of countries, which focus on issues relating to 8th Millennium Development Goal such as aid, trade and justice. They generally form a coalition of aid and development agencies which work togethe ...
, and the minstrel "Master
James Blunt James Blunt (born James Hillier Blount; 22 February 1974) is an English singer, songwriter and musician. A former reconnaissance officer in the Life Guards regiment of the British Army, he served under NATO during the 1999 Kosovo War. After l ...
late of the king's army". *Episode 4: Theméd park inventor Sir Walt-er de 'Isney, the architect Sir Richard de Rogers, and his Gherkin tower, and the building of a
super casino In the United Kingdom, a regional casino (super casino or mega casino) was the largest category of casino permitted under law – equivalent in size to the larger casinos in Las Vegas. The first regional casino was proposed in 2007 for Manchester ...
.


Series 2

*Episode 1: Falling property prices in reference to the
credit crunch A credit crunch (also known as a credit squeeze, credit tightening or credit crisis) is a sudden reduction in the general availability of loans (or credit) or a sudden tightening of the conditions required to obtain a loan from banks. A credit cr ...
, Torturer's Question Time in reference to
Gardener's Question Time ''Gardeners' Question Time'' is a long-running BBC Radio 4 programme in which amateur gardeners can put questions to a panel of experts. History The first programme was broadcast in the North and Northern Ireland Home Service of the BBC at 2 ...
, the
Westfield Shopping Centre {{short description, None A list of Westfield-brand shopping centre A shopping center (American English) or shopping centre (Commonwealth English), also called a shopping complex, shopping arcade, shopping plaza or galleria, is a group of sh ...
*Episode 2: Prontascribe for Prontaprint, Sir Bruce Forsooth hosting Strictly Come Gavotting and John Sergeant's participation in it, recycling collections *Episode 3: Various quotations from Shakespeare. *Episode 4: the Boden catalogue; global warming; the
Iraq War {{Infobox military conflict , conflict = Iraq War {{Nobold, {{lang, ar, حرب العراق (Arabic) {{Nobold, {{lang, ku, شەڕی عێراق (Kurdish languages, Kurdish) , partof = the Iraq conflict (2003–present), I ...
;
Tony Robinson Sir Anthony Robinson (born 15 August 1946) is an English actor, author, broadcaster, comedian, presenter, and political activist. He played Baldrick in the BBC television series ''Blackadder'' and has presented several historical documentarie ...
(McCloud), ''
Time Team ''Time Team'' is a British television programme that originally aired on Channel 4 from 16 January 1994 to 7 September 2014. It returned online in 2022 for two episodes released on YouTube. Created by television producer Tim ...
''; Polish plumbers; droughts, water rationing; De Warrene's friend the Earl of Essex as a stereotypical
Chav "Chav" (), also "charver", "scally" and "roadman" in parts of England, is a British term, usually used in a pejorative way. The term is used to describe an anti-social lower-class youth dressed in sportswear. * * * * "Chavette" is a related te ...
white van man; CSI, staffed by Lord Howard Kane,
Poirot Hercule Poirot (, ) is a fictional Belgian detective created by British writer Agatha Christie. Poirot is one of Christie's most famous and long-running characters, appearing in 33 novels, two plays ('' Black Coffee'' and ''Alibi''), and more ...
,
Scooby-Doo ''Scooby-Doo'' is an American animation, animated media franchise based on an animated television series launched in 1969 and continued through several derivative List of Scooby-Doo media, media. Writers Joe Ruby and Ken Spears created the orig ...
and
Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes () is a fictional detective created by British author Arthur Conan Doyle. Referring to himself as a " consulting detective" in the stories, Holmes is known for his proficiency with observation, deduction, forensic science and ...
; the divorce of Lord McCartney *Episode 6: An "exit strategy in the Holy Land" (comparing it to the
Iraq War {{Infobox military conflict , conflict = Iraq War {{Nobold, {{lang, ar, حرب العراق (Arabic) {{Nobold, {{lang, ku, شەڕی عێراق (Kurdish languages, Kurdish) , partof = the Iraq conflict (2003–present), I ...
), the car/cart-obsessed Lord Clarkson, Tom-Tom the
sat nav A satellite navigation or satnav system is a system that uses satellites to provide autonomous geo-spatial positioning. It allows satellite navigation devices to determine their location ( longitude, latitude, and altitude/ elevation) to high ...
parrot with the voices of
Terry Wogan Sir Michael Terence Wogan (; 3 August 1938 – 31 January 2016) was an Irish radio and television broadcaster who worked for the BBC in the UK for most of his career. Between 1993 and his semi-retirement in December 2009, his BBC Radio 2 weekd ...
,
Billy Connolly Sir William Connolly (born 24 November 1942) is a Scottish actor, retired comedian, artist, writer, musician, and presenter. He is sometimes known, especially in his homeland, by the Scots nickname the Big Yin ("the Big One"). Known for his ...
and
Kenneth Williams Kenneth Charles Williams (22 February 1926 – 15 April 1988) was an English actor of Welsh heritage. He was best known for his comedy roles and in later life as a raconteur and diarist. He was one of the main ensemble in 26 of the 31 Car ...
, the
London congestion charge The London congestion charge is a fee charged on most cars and motor vehicles being driven within the Congestion Charge Zone (CCZ) in Central London between 7:00 am and 6:00 pm Monday to Friday, and between 12:00 noon and 6:00 pm Saturday an ...
, Sir
Peter Stringfellow Peter James Stringfellow (17 October 1940 – 7 June 2018) was an English businessman who owned several nightclubs. Early life Stringfellow was born in the City General Hospital, Sheffield, South Yorkshire, on 17 October 1940, to Elsie Bowers a ...
opening a lap-dancing committee in the village,
Jeremy Paxman Jeremy Dickson Paxman (born 11 May 1950) is an English broadcaster, journalist, author, and television presenter. Born in Leeds, Paxman was educated at Malvern College and St Catharine's College, Cambridge, where he edited the undergraduate new ...
hosting
University Challenge ''University Challenge'' is a British television quiz programme which first aired in 1962. ''University Challenge'' aired for 913 episodes on ITV from 21 September 1962 to 31 December 1987, presented by quizmaster Bamber Gascoigne. The BBC ...
(though England still only has two universities),
the Stig The Stig is a character from the British motoring television show '' Top Gear''. Created by former ''Top Gear'' presenter Jeremy Clarkson and producer Andy Wilman, the character is a play on the anonymity of racing drivers' full-face helmets, ...


Series 3

*Episode 1: Lady Lumley of Purdey, Lady Lindsay de Lohan, and the
Chilcot Inquiry The Iraq Inquiry (also referred to as the Chilcot Inquiry after its chairman, Sir John Chilcot)King Russell de Brand, Lord
Hadron In particle physics, a hadron (; grc, ἁδρός, hadrós; "stout, thick") is a composite subatomic particle made of two or more quarks held together by the strong interaction. They are analogous to molecules that are held together by the ele ...
and his horse, Collider. Lady Lumley talks about the Gurkhas, and speaks to Sir John of becoming The Avengers, with her trusty "Steed" (a horse with a bowler). *Episode 2:
Global warming In common usage, climate change describes global warming—the ongoing increase in global average temperature—and its effects on Earth's climate system. Climate change in a broader sense also includes previous long-term changes to E ...
. Several gangs are mentioned including the
Bloods The Bloods are a primarily African-American street gang founded in Los Angeles, California. The gang is widely known for its rivalry with the Crips. It is identified by the red color worn by its members and by particular gang symbols, includin ...
and the
Crips The Crips is an alliance of street gangs that is based in the coastal regions of Southern California. Founded in Los Angeles, California, in 1969, mainly by Raymond Washington and Stanley Williams, the Crips were initially a single alliance ...
. Sam sings
Three Lions "Three Lions" is a song by the English comedians David Baddiel and Frank Skinner and the rock band the Lightning Seeds. It was released on 20 May 1996 to mark the England football team's participation in that year's UEFA European Championshi ...
claiming it to be a traditional song he learned as a boy. Merlin mentions
Quidditch Quidditch is a fictional sport invented by author J.K. Rowling for her fantasy book series ''Harry Potter''. It first appeared in the novel ''Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'' (1997). It is a dangerous but popular sport played by witc ...
and uses the names
Gandalf Gandalf is a protagonist in J. R. R. Tolkien's novels ''The Hobbit'' and ''The Lord of the Rings''. He is a Wizards (Middle-earth), wizard, one of the ''Istari'' order, and the leader of the Fellowship of the Ring (characters), Fellowship of t ...
and
David Lee Roth David Lee Roth (born October 10, 1954) is an American rock singer. Best known for his wild, energetic stage persona, he was the original lead vocalist of the hard rock band Van Halen across three stints, from 1974 to 1985, in 1996 and again fro ...
in a spell. *Episode 4: Sir John is struggling with his expenses claims, Henry acquires a
Vuvuzela The vuvuzela is a horn, with an inexpensive injection-molded plastic shell about long, which produces a loud monotone note, typically around B♭ 3 (the first B♭ below middle C). Some models are made in two parts to facilitate storage, and ...
, and Anne and Charlotte visit a medieval Tesco. Sir William raises a small army from among the peasants and finds himself dealing with characters sounding like Cpl. Jones and Pvt. Frazer from ''
Dad's Army ''Dad's Army'' is a British television British sitcom, sitcom about the United Kingdom's Home Guard (United Kingdom), Home Guard during the World War II, Second World War. It was written by Jimmy Perry and David Croft (TV producer), David Crof ...
''. *Episode 5: Sir John and Sir William read the Daily (Chain) Mail and object to its right-wing content, arguing that even the warmongering Baron von Adolf find it too extreme. Sir William is visited by Antonio
Soprano A soprano () is a type of classical female singing voice and has the highest vocal range of all voice types. The soprano's vocal range (using scientific pitch notation) is from approximately middle C (C4) = 261  Hz to "high A" (A5) = 880&n ...
, and Merlin awakes to find a dead unicorn's head in his bed. *Episode 6:
Andrew Lloyd Webber Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber (born 22 March 1948), is an English composer and impresario of musical theatre. Several of his musicals have run for more than a decade both in the West End and on Broadway. He has composed 21 musicals, ...
arrives to stage a production of '' The Wizard of Oz''; he is in the midst of a talent war with Master Cowell of Subo. Merlin acts the part of the Wizard in the voice of
Rolf Harris Rolf Harris (born 30 March 1930) is an Australian entertainer whose career has encompassed work as a musician, singer-songwriter, composer, comedian, actor, painter and television personality. He often used unusual instruments in his performan ...
.


Cast

*Sir John Woodstock:
James Fleet James Edward Fleet (born 11 March 1952) is an English actor of theatre, radio and screen. He is most famous for his roles as the bumbling and well-meaning Tom in the 1994 British romantic comedy film '' Four Weddings and a Funeral'' and the dim- ...
*Lady Anne Woodstock, John's teenage daughter: Susan Earl (series 1) /
Montserrat Lombard Montserrat Lombard (born 1 August 1982) is an English actress best known for playing WPC (later DC) Sharon 'Shaz' Granger in the BBC drama series '' Ashes to Ashes''. Early life Lombard was born in London and is of Spanish and Italian desce ...
(series 2) /
Martha Howe-Douglas Martha Howe-Douglas is an English actress and writer. She is a member of the British Horrible Histories troupe, in which she starred in the TV series ''Horrible Histories''. She also starred in and co-created ''Yonderland'' and ''Ghosts''. S ...
(series 3-4) *Lady Charlotte, Anne's best friend:
Ingrid Oliver Ingrid Oliver (born 25 February 1977) is a British actress and comedian, and one half of the comic double act '' Watson & Oliver''. She is known for playing Petronella Osgood, a supporting character in the BBC television series '' Doctor Who'' ...
*Master Henry Woodstock, John's 13-year-old son: Steven Kynman *John's household servant Thomas, forever inventing medieval versions of modern innovations (central heating, radio, satellite dishes, microwave, parachute): Jonathan Kydd (Kydd was only credited as Duncan in series 1, but series 2 corrected this error) *Sir William De Warenne, knight errant and scourge of the Levant, voted top knight by Esquire magazine:
Neil Dudgeon Neil is a masculine name of Gaelic and Irish origin. The name is an anglicisation of the Irish ''Niall'' which is of disputed derivation. The Irish name may be derived from words meaning "cloud", "passionate", "victory", "honour" or "champion".. A ...
*Cardinal Duncan, Sir William's closet-homosexual sidekick: Jonathan Kydd *Sam Tree, Anne's peasant heart-throb: Toby Ross-BryantLeft the series at the end of Series 2, Episode 1 by rocket, but returned in Series 3, Episode 3 with amnesia thinking he was French. (series 1) / Steven Kynman (series 2 & 3) *Merlin, a rather hopeless sorcerer and Anne's second peasant heart-throb: Lewis MacLeod (series 2-3) *Billy Bagshot, local standup comedian: Steven Kynman *Jedediah Wainwright, a local busybody who speaks up in every public forum, claiming to represent organizations like the "Public Morals Committee" or "Environmental Committee", objecting to whatever is being proposed, declaring "It's outrageous!": Steven Kynman (series 2 onwards) *Bates, Sir John's new
valet A valet or varlet is a male servant who serves as personal attendant to his employer. In the Middle Ages and Ancien Régime, valet de chambre was a role for junior courtiers and specialists such as artists in a royal court, but the term "vale ...
: Lewis MacLeod (series 4)


Notes


External links

*http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/thecastle/ {{DEFAULTSORT:Castle, The BBC Radio comedy programmes 2007 radio programme debuts Middle Ages in popular culture Works set in castles