Flirting or coquetry is a
social
Social organisms, including human(s), live collectively in interacting populations. This interaction is considered social whether they are aware of it or not, and whether the exchange is voluntary or not.
Etymology
The word "social" derives from ...
and
sexual behavior
Human sexual activity, human sexual practice or human sexual behaviour is the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. People engage in a variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone (e.g., masturbation) t ...
involving spoken or written communication, as well as
body language
Body language is a type of communication in which physical behaviors, as opposed to words, are used to express or convey information. Such behavior includes facial expressions, body posture, gestures, eye movement, touch and the use of space. Th ...
. It is either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person or, if done playfully, for amusement.
It usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater
intimacy
An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Although an intimate relationship is commonly a sexual relationship, it may also be a non-sexual relationship involving family, friends, or ...
than the actual
relationship between the parties would justify. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony.
Double entendre
A double entendre (plural double entendres) is a figure of speech or a particular way of wording that is devised to have a double meaning, of which one is typically obvious, whereas the other often conveys a message that would be too socially ...
s (where one meaning is more formally appropriate, and another more suggestive) may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity, and other gestures. Flirting may be done in an under-exaggerated, shy or frivolous style. Vocal communication of interest can include, for example,
* Alterations in vocal tone (such as pace, volume, and intonation),
* Challenges (including teasing, questions, qualifying, and feigned disinterest) that may serve to increase tension, and to test intention and congruity
* Adoration, which includes offers, approval and tact, knowledge and demonstration of
poise,
self-assurance, smart and
stylish
Stylish is a user style manager that can change the appearance of web pages in a user's browser without changing their content by including user-supplied CSS style sheets with those supplied by the web site itself. The Stylish browser extens ...
, a commanding attitude.
Flirting behavior varies across cultures due to different modes of social etiquette, such as how closely people should stand (
proxemics
Proxemics is the study of human use of space and the effects that population density has on behaviour, communication, and social interaction.
Proxemics is one among several subcategories in the study of nonverbal communication, including haptics ...
), how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth. Nonetheless, some behaviors may be more universal. For example, ethologist
Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt
Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt (; 15 June 1928 – 2 June 2018) was an Austrian ethologist in the field of human ethology. In authoring the book which bears that title, he applied ethology to humans by studying them in a perspective more common to vo ...
found that in places as different as Africa and North America, women exhibit similar flirting behavior, such as a prolonged stare followed by a nonchalant break of gaze along with a little
smile
A smile is a facial expression formed primarily by flexing the muscles at the sides of the mouth. Some smiles include a contraction of the muscles at the corner of the eyes, an action known as a Duchenne smile.
Among humans, a smile expresses ...
.
Etymology
The origin of the word ''
flirt
Flirting or coquetry is a social and sexual behavior involving spoken or written communication, as well as body language. It is either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person or, if done playfully, for amusement.
I ...
'' is obscure. The ''
Oxford English Dictionary
The ''Oxford English Dictionary'' (''OED'') is the first and foundational historical dictionary of the English language, published by Oxford University Press (OUP). It traces the historical development of the English language, providing a co ...
'' (first edition) associates it with such onomatopoeic words as ''flit'' and ''flick'', emphasizing a lack of seriousness; on the other hand, it has been attributed to the old French ''conter fleurette'', which means "to (try to)
seduce
Seduction has multiple meanings. Platonically, it can mean "to persuade to disobedience or disloyalty", or "to lead astray, usually by persuasion or false promises".
Strategies of seduction include conversation and sexual scripts, paralingual ...
" by the dropping of flower petals, that is, "to speak sweet nothings". While old-fashioned, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, but the English
gallicism
A Gallicism can be:
* a mode of speech peculiar to the French;
* a French idiom;
* in general, a French mode or custom.
* a loanword, word or phrase borrowed from French.
See also
* Francization
* Franglais
* Gallic (disambiguation)
* Gallican R ...
''to flirt'' has made its way and has now become an
anglicism.
The word ''fleurette'' was used in the 16th century in some sonnets, and some other texts. The French word ''fleurette'' (small flower), and the language of old south France word ''flouretas'' (from the Latin ''flora'' (for flower)), are related to some little says where flowers are both at the same time a pretext and the comparison terms. In southern France, some usage were yet used in 1484,
In French, some other words more or less related are derived from the word fleur: for instance ''effleurer'' (English: lightly touch) from 13th century ''esflourée''; ''déflorer'' (English: deflower) from 13th century ''desflorer'' or (
fleuret (English Foil) 18th century.
The association of flowers, spring, youth, and women is not modern and were yet considered in ancient culture, such as the
Chloris in
ancient Greece
Ancient Greece ( el, Ἑλλάς, Hellás) was a northeastern Mediterranean Sea, Mediterranean civilization, existing from the Greek Dark Ages of the 12th–9th centuries BC to the end of Classical Antiquity, classical antiquity ( AD 600), th ...
, or
Flora (deity)
Flora ( la, Flōra) is a Roman goddess of flowers and of the season of spring – a symbol for nature and flowers (especially the may-flower). While she was otherwise a relatively minor figure in Roman mythology, being one among several fertili ...
in the ancient
Roman Empire
The Roman Empire ( la, Imperium Romanum ; grc-gre, Βασιλεία τῶν Ῥωμαίων, Basileía tôn Rhōmaíōn) was the post- Republican period of ancient Rome. As a polity, it included large territorial holdings around the Mediter ...
, including
Floralia festival, and in other older poems, such as the
Song of Songs.
History
During World War II, anthropologist
Margaret Mead
Margaret Mead (December 16, 1901 – November 15, 1978) was an American cultural anthropologist who featured frequently as an author and speaker in the mass media during the 1960s and the 1970s.
She earned her bachelor's degree at Barnard C ...
was working in Britain for the British
Ministry of Information and later for the U.S.
Office of War Information
The United States Office of War Information (OWI) was a United States government agency created during World War II. The OWI operated from June 1942 until September 1945. Through radio broadcasts, newspapers, posters, photographs, films and other ...
,
delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians, and vice versa. She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.
Communications theorist
Paul Watzlawick
Paul Watzlawick (July 25, 1921 – March 31, 2007) was an Austrian-American family therapist, psychologist, communication theorist, and philosopher. A theoretician in communication theory and radical constructivism, he commented in the fields ...
used this situation, where "both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash", as an example of differences in "punctuation" in interpersonal communications. He wrote that courtship in both cultures used approximately 30 steps from "first eye contact to the ultimate consummation", but that the sequence of the steps was different. For example, kissing might be an early step in the American pattern but a relatively intimate act in the English pattern.
Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much
Shunga art, the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century.
European hand fans
The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Wales to its west and Scotland to its north. The Irish Sea lies northwest and the Celtic Sea to the southwest. It is separated from continental Europe b ...
and
Spain
, image_flag = Bandera de España.svg
, image_coat = Escudo de España (mazonado).svg
, national_motto = ''Plus ultra'' (Latin)(English: "Further Beyond")
, national_anthem = (English: "Royal March")
, i ...
. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even
etiquette books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan which was published by William Cock in
London
London is the capital and List of urban areas in the United Kingdom, largest city of England and the United Kingdom, with a population of just under 9 million. It stands on the River Thames in south-east England at the head of a estuary dow ...
in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".
In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today, ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or
chaperons. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.
Purpose
![SundayNewOrleansFlirt1880s](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/90/SundayNewOrleansFlirt1880s.jpeg)
People flirt for a variety of reasons. According to
social anthropologist
Social anthropology is the study of patterns of behaviour in human societies and cultures. It is the dominant constituent of anthropology throughout the United Kingdom and much of Europe, where it is distinguished from cultural anthropology. In t ...
Kate Fox
Kate Fox is a British social anthropologist, co-director of the Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC) and a Fellow of the Institute for Cultural Research. She has written several books, including '' Watching the English: The Hidden Rules of Engl ...
, there are two main types of flirting: flirting just for fun and flirting with further intent.
In a 2014 review, sociologist David Henningsen identified six main motivations for flirting: sex, relational development, exploration, fun, self-esteem, and as a means to an end.
Henningsen found that many flirting interactions involve more than one of these motives. There also appear to be gender differences in flirting motivation.
Courtship
Many people flirt as a
courtship
Courtship is the period wherein some couples get to know each other prior to a possible marriage. Courtship traditionally may begin after a betrothal and may conclude with the celebration of marriage. A courtship may be an informal and private m ...
initiation method, with the aim of engaging in a sexual relationship with another person. In this sense, flirting plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, and hair-touching; or verbal signs, such as chatting, giving flattering comments, and exchanging telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact.
Many studies have confirmed that sex is a motivation for flirting. Additionally, Messman and colleagues' study provided support for this hypothesis; it demonstrated that, the more one was physically attracted to a person, the higher the chances one would flirt with them.
Flirting with the goal of signaling interest appears as a puzzling phenomenon when considering that flirting is often performed very subtly. In fact, evidence shows that people are often mistaken in how they interpret flirting behaviors.
Logically, if the main purpose of flirting is to signal interest to the other person, then the signaling would be done clearly and explicitly. A possible explanation for the ambiguous nature of human flirting lies in the costs associated with courtship signals. Indeed, according to Gersick and colleagues, signaling interest can be costly as it can lead to the disturbance of the nature of a relationship. For instance, signaling sexual interest to a friend bears the risk of introducing uncertainty into the friendship, especially if the romantic advance is rejected by the recipient. For this reason, individuals prefer engaging in a flirting interaction that is more subtle to limit the risks associated with the expression of sexual interest.
More generally, human relationships are governed by social norms and whenever these are broken, one can suffer significant costs that can range from social, economic and even legal nature. As an illustration, a manager flirting with his subordinate can lead to strong costs such as being accused of sexual harassment, which can potentially lead to job loss.
Additionally, third parties can impose costs on someone expressing sexual interest. Expressing sexual interest to somebody else's romantic partner is a highly punishable act. This often leads to jealousy from the person's partner which can trigger anger and (possible) physical punishment, especially in men. Third parties can also impose costs through the act of eavesdropping. These can lead to damage to one's reputation leading to possible social, economic and legal costs.
A last point to consider is that the costs associated with interest signaling are magnified in the case of humans, when compared to the animal world. Indeed, the existence of language means that information can circulate much faster. For instance, in the case of eavesdropping, the information overhead by the eavesdropper can be spread to very large social networks, thereby magnifying the social costs.
Other motivations
Another reason people engage in flirting is to consolidate or maintain a romantic relationship with their partner. They will engage in flirting behaviors to promote the flourishing of their relationship with their partner. People will also flirt with the goal of 'exploring'. In this sense, the aim is not necessarily to express sexual or romantic interest but simply to assess whether the other might be interested in them before making any decision about what they would want from that individual.
Henningsen and Fox also demonstrated that flirting can sometimes be employed just for fun. For instance, studies have shown that flirting in the workplace was used mostly for fun purposes.
Another motive that drives flirting is developing one's own self esteem by encouraging reciprocation.
Gender differences in motivations
Certain types of flirting seem to vary by gender. Henningsen and colleagues' study demonstrated that flirting with sexual intent was found to be more prominent amongst men, while flirting for relationship development purposes was more often employed by women.
Additionally, Henningsen found that women may engage in what he calls "practice flirting," or using the behavior to evaluate potential partners.
In
evolutionary biology
Evolutionary biology is the subfield of biology that studies the evolutionary processes ( natural selection, common descent, speciation) that produced the diversity of life on Earth. It is also defined as the study of the history of life ...
, the
parental investment theory states that females are more selective and males are more competitive, therefore predicting that flirting as courtship initiation will be more commonly used by males. The theory also predicts that females provide more resources to their offspring, which causes them to invest in a mate that can contribute to their offspring's survival.
Examples
![Jealousy and Flirtation](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/25/Jealousy_and_Flirtation.jpg)
Flirting may consist of stylized gestures, language,
body language
Body language is a type of communication in which physical behaviors, as opposed to words, are used to express or convey information. Such behavior includes facial expressions, body posture, gestures, eye movement, touch and the use of space. Th ...
,
postures, and
physiologic signs which act as cues to another person. In
Western society
Leonardo da Vinci's ''Vitruvian Man''. Based on the correlations of ideal Body proportions">human proportions with geometry described by the ancient Roman architect Vitruvius in Book III of his treatise ''De architectura''.
image:Plato Pio-Cle ...
these may include:
*
Blowing a kiss
* Casual touching; such as gently stroking, touching each other's arms, chest and neck
*
Conversation (e.g.
banter
Conversation is interactive communication between two or more people. The development of conversational skills and etiquette is an important part of socialization. The development of conversational skills in a new language is a frequent focu ...
,
small talk
Small talk is an informal type of discourse that does not cover any functional topics of conversation or any transactions that need to be addressed. In essence, it is polite and standard conversation about unimportant things.
The phenomenon ...
,
pickup line
A pick-up line or chat-up line is a conversation opener with the intent of engaging a person for romance or dating. As overt and sometimes humorous displays of romantic interest, pick-up lines advertise the wit of their speakers to their target l ...
s)
* Coyness, marked by cute, coquettish
shyness
Shyness (also called diffidence) is the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness especially when a person is around other people. This commonly occurs in new situations or with unfamiliar people; a shy person may simply opt ...
or
modesty, coquet or playful aggrandizement of a partner's importance
*
Eye contact
Eye contact occurs when two people look at each other's eyes at the same time. In humans, eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication and can have a large influence on social behavior. Coined in the early to mid-1960s, the term came from ...
,
batting eyelashes, or
staring
*
Eyebrow
An eyebrow is an area of short hairs above each eye that follows the shape of the lower margin of the brow ridges of some mammals. In humans, eyebrows serve two main functions: first, communication through facial expression, and second, preven ...
raising
*
Flattery
Flattery (also called adulation or blandishment) is the act of giving excessive compliments, generally for the purpose of ingratiating oneself with the subject. It is also used in pick-up lines when attempting to initiate sexual or romantic co ...
(e.g. regarding
beauty
Beauty is commonly described as a feature of objects that makes these objects pleasurable to perceive. Such objects include landscapes, sunsets, humans and works of art. Beauty, together with art and taste, is the main subject of aesthetics, o ...
,
sexual attractiveness)
*
Footsie,
a form of flirtation in which one uses their feet to play with another's
*
Hugging
A hug is a form of endearment, universal in most human communities, in which two or more people put their arms around the neck, back, or waist of one another and hold each other closely. If more than two people are involved, it may be referred ...
*
Imitating or
mirroring another's behavior (e.g. taking a drink when the other person takes a drink, changing posture as the other does, foreshadowing or mimicking someone's reactions to successful attraction etc.)
*
Laughing, giggling, chuckling encouragingly at any hint of intimacy in the other's behavior
* Maintaining close proximity, such as during casual talking
*
Nickname
A nickname is a substitute for the proper name of a familiar person, place or thing. Commonly used to express affection, a form of endearment, and sometimes amusement, it can also be used to express defamation of character. As a concept, it is ...
s and other
terms of endearment
''Terms of Endearment'' is a 1983 American family comedy-drama film directed, written, and produced by James L. Brooks, adapted from Larry McMurtry's 1975 novel of the same name. It stars Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine, Jack Nicholson, Dann ...
to describe a partner's personality, beauty, or sexiness
*
Chatting online,
texting, and using other one-on-one and direct messaging services, while hinting affection
*
Protean
In Greek mythology, Proteus (; Ancient Greek: Πρωτεύς, ''Prōteus'') is an early prophetic sea-god or god of rivers and oceanic bodies of water, one of several deities whom Homer calls the " Old Man of the Sea" ''(hálios gérôn) ...
signals or indicators of interest, such as touching one's hair, side-ways glance, and pointing one's chest towards partner's chest
*
Partner dancing
Partner dances are dances whose basic choreography involves coordinated dancing of two partners, as opposed to individuals dancing alone or individually in a non-coordinated manner, and as opposed to groups of people dancing simultaneously in a ...
* Writing
love letter
A love letter is an expression of love in written form. However delivered, the letter may be anything from a short and simple message of love to a lengthy explanation and description of feelings.
History
One of the oldest references to a l ...
s and notes,
poems
Poetry (derived from the Greek ''poiesis'', "making"), also called verse, is a form of literature that uses aesthetic and often rhythmic qualities of language − such as phonaesthetics, sound symbolism, and metre − to evoke meanings in ...
, or presenting small
gifts
* Singing specially selected
love song
A love song is a song about romantic love, falling in love, heartbreak after a breakup, and the feelings that these experiences bring. A comprehensive list of even the best known performers and composers of love songs would be a large order ...
s as a
declaration of love
A declaration of love, also known as a confession of love, is a form of expressing one's love for someone or something. It can be presented in various forms, such as love letters, speeches, or love songs. A love declaration is more often than not ...
and devotion in presence of one's partner
*
Smiling
A smile is a facial expression formed primarily by flexing the muscles at the sides of the mouth. Some smiles include a contraction of the muscles at the corner of the eyes, an action known as a Duchenne smile.
Among humans, a smile expresses ...
or grinning at a partner and/or holding them close
* Staging of "chance" encounters or romantic rendezvous
*
Sexting
Sexting is sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs, or videos, primarily between mobile phones. It may also include the use of a computer or any digital device. The term was first popularized early in the 21st ...
*
Teasing
Teasing has multiple meanings and uses. In human interactions, teasing exists in three major forms: ''playful'', ''hurtful'', and ''educative''. Teasing can have a variety of effects, depending on how it is used and its intended effect. When teas ...
*
Tickling
Tickling is the act of touching a part of a body in a way that causes involuntary twitching movements or laughter. The word evolved from the Middle English ''tikelen'', perhaps frequentative of ''ticken'', to touch lightly.
In 1897, psycholo ...
*
Wink
A wink is a facial expression made by briefly closing one eye. A wink is an informal mode of non-verbal communication usually signaling shared hidden knowledge or intent. However, it is ambiguous by itself and highly dependent upon additional c ...
ing
Cultural variations
Flirting varies a great deal from culture to culture.
![Eugen de Blaas The Flirtation](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/28/Eugen_de_Blaas_The_Flirtation.jpg)
In "contact cultures," such as those in the Mediterranean or Latin America, closer proximity is common, compared with cultures such as those in Britain or Northern Europe. The variation in social norms may lead to different interpretations of what is considered to be flirting.
In
Japan, flirting in the street or public places is known as ''
nanpa
The North American Numbering Plan (NANP) is a telephone numbering plan for twenty-five regions in twenty countries, primarily in North America and the Caribbean. This group is historically known as World Zone 1 and has the international calling ...
''.
See also
*
Anti-Flirt Club
The Anti-Flirt Club was an American club active in Washington, D.C., during the early 1920s. The purpose of the club was to protect young women and girls who received unwelcome attention from men in automobiles and on street corners. The Anti-Fl ...
*
Making out
Making out is a term of American origin dating back to at least 1949, and is used to refer to kissing, including extended French kissing or heavy kissing of the neck (called ''necking''), or to acts of non-penetrative sex such as heavy pett ...
*
Public display of affection
Public displays of affection (PDA) are acts of physical intimacy in the view of others. What is an acceptable display of affection varies with respect to culture and context.
Some organizations have rules limiting or prohibiting public display ...
*
Wingman (social)
Wingman (or wingmate) is a role that a person may take when a friend needs support with approaching potential romantic partners. People who have a wingman can have more than one wingman. A wingman is someone who is on the "inside" and is used to h ...
References
{{Human sexuality
Sexual attraction
Philosophy of love