Neasden F.C.

The fortnightly British satirical magazine ''Private Eye'' has long had a reputation for using euphemistic and irreverent substitute names and titles for people, groups and organisations and has coined a number of expressions to describe sex, drugs, alcohol and other aspects of human activity. Over the years these names and expressions have become in-jokes, used frequently in the magazine without explanation. Some have passed into general usage and can be found in other media and everyday conversation.

Euphemisms

* "Ugandan discussions", or a variation thereof (such as "discussing Ugandan affairs"), is often used as a euphemism for sex, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty. The term originally referred to an incident at a party hosted by journalist Neal Ascherson and his first wife, at which fellow journalist Mary Kenny allegedly had a "meaningful confrontation" with a former cabinet minister in the government of Milton Obote, later claiming that they were "upstairs discussing Uganda". The poet James Fenton apparently coined the term. The saying is sometimes wrongly said to derive from a slanderous lie told by the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin about his female foreign minister, when he claimed that he had fired her on 28 November 1974 for having sex with an unnamed white man in a toilet at a Paris airport, but his lie came over 20 months after the phrase was first used by ''Private Eye'' on 9March 1973.Adrian Room ''Brewer's Dictionary of Modern Phrase and Fable'', London: Cassell, 2000, pp. 714–5 The euphemism has variations: for example, before his marriage, a senior member of the Royal family allegedly went on holiday with an ex-Page Three girl, whereupon ''Private Eye'' reported he had contracted a "Ugandan virus". In 1996, "Getting back to basics" was suggested as a replacement euphemism after the policy of the same name adopted by John Major's government, which some ''Private Eye'' contributors regarded as hypocritical. This view was vindicated by Conservative MP Edwina Currie's subsequent confirmation of a four-year affair with John Major in her book ''Diaries''.
* "Tired and emotional" is a euphemism for drunk, used in the British press to avoid libel laws. It was coined by ''Private Eye'' after a BBC report which used the term in describing 1960s Labour party cabinet minister and Deputy Leader George Brown (who was an alcoholic). It first appeared in a parody memo supposedly informing civil servants how to describe Brown's conduct and state of mind. Due to the near-impossibility of proving intoxication without forensic evidence, journalists came to use the phrase as a way of describing drunkenness without inviting libel charges. In 1957 a trio of Labour politicians, Aneurin Bevan, Morgan Phillips and Richard Crossman, successfully sued ''The Spectator'' over just such an allegation, which Crossman admitted in his diary was true of one of the three. The phrase was allegedly first used by a BBC press officer in November 1963, as a description of Brown's condition when interviewed at very short notice on the night of the assassination of John F. Kennedy; the magazine subsequently borrowed the phrase. Doubt must be cast on this claim because the programme on which Brown appeared was not broadcast by the BBC but by Associated-Rediffusion. The Defamation Act 2013 introduced a number of important defences.
* ''"Arkell v. Pressdram"'' denotes a robust response to a claim of defamationspecifically, "fuck off". ''Private Eye'' had covered the case of a Mr. J. Arkell, whom the ''Eye'' accused of receiving kickbacks from a debt collection agency in his role as retail credit manager at Granada Group. The plaintiff's lawyers wrote a letter which concluded "His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply". The magazine's response was, in full, "We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off". In the years following, the magazine would refer to the exchange as a euphemism for a blunt and coarse dismissal, "We refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram". Although the case was never pursued, the phrase has become part of legal folklore, well enough understood to be referred to by David Allen Green in a general article, but relying on the response might not always be wise.

Stereotypical and exaggerated personifications of people and organisations

* Sir Herbert Gussett is a fictional character who is forever sending "Dear Sir" letters to the Press, usually ''The Daily Telegraph'' or the ''Daily Express''. In the early 1980s he lived in Lymeswold, but he has since given addresses in Wiltshire, Dorset and Oxfordshire.
* Sir Bufton Tufton is the Conservative MP for somewhere-or-other, and during the Thatcher government sat on the back benches. The name was inspired by that of a real-life Tory backbencher, Sir Tufton Beamish, who sat for Lewes 1945–1974, but the character was modelled on MPs who were well to the right of Beamish. Sir Bufton's constituency was usually the fictitious safe rural seat of "Lymeswold" (named from a commercially produced cheese), and although this was subject to topical change, his greediness, laziness, bigotry and incompetence remained constant. A file photo was frequently used, which turned out to be a picture of a real-life Conservative councillor, which eventually drew a "good-natured complaint" letter from the "innocent victim."
* Mike Giggler, an e-mail correspondent in newspaper letters pages, usually appearing at the bottom of the page having sent in a particularly unfunny pun as often seen at the bottom of the ''Guardian'' letters page.
* Lord Gnome is purported to be the proprietor of the magazine, and is an amalgam of various different media magnates. Originally modelled on figures including Lord Beaverbrook and Lord Thomson of Fleet, first appearing under the name "Aristides P. Gnome" in the early 1960s, Lord Gnome has since accumulated other characteristics to encompass the likes of Rupert Murdoch. He is portrayed in the magazine as a man of great wealth, greed, unscrupulousness and vulgarity. Lord Gnome rarely writes under his own name, but issues his proclamations, editorials and threats through a fictional underling named Emmanuel Strobes, with reference frequently made to his Lordship's "assistant", Miss Rita Chevrolet. Rita Chevrolet's name is a parody of French exotic dancer Rita Cadillac.
:Lord Gnome, as well as being a media magnate, is regularly referred to as having other business interests. Special offers from "Gnomemart" frequently appear in the magazine, which also carries an occasional column called "The Curse of Gnome", chronicling the subsequent misfortunes of those who have in the past taken legal action against the publication. In 1993, during the only televised ceremony for ''Private Eye'' Bore of the Year Awards ("the Boftys"), Lord Gnome (played by Peter Cook) made a brief appearance on a satellite hook-up from his yacht, pushing a member of the yacht's crew overboard in a parody of Robert Maxwell's death. The word "Gnome" may refer to the Gnomes of Zürich. Occasionally Lord Gnome is an oblique reference to editor Ian Hislop. In the sporting world, Lord Gnome CC is a nomadic cricket side, founded in 1963, that is named after the fictitious proprietor.
* Inspector Knacker, also referred to as "Knacker of the Yard", is a senior (and possibly unreliable) police officer. The name alludes both to knackers' yards, where old horses are sent to be put down and their carcases disposed of, and to "Slipper of the Yard", the nickname given to real-life police Chief Superintendent Jack Slipper of Scotland Yard. The name may be used in reference either to individual policemen ("Another top Knacker resigns"), or to the police in general ("These allegations are being looked into by Inspector Knacker"). If the story refers to police activities in Scotland, Wales, or Ireland, the name may be changed to "McKnacker", "Dai Knacker", or "O'Knacker", respectively.
* Mr Justice Cocklecarrot usually presides over court cases. Beachcomber wrote a humorous column in the ''Daily Express'' for over fifty years, and Cocklecarrot J. was a regular feature.
* Sue, Grabbitt and Runne is a fictitious firm of solicitors retained to engage in lawsuits both real and fictional. These are often frivolous, pointless, cynical or without foundation (see Arkell v Pressdramabove) but not always. Danny La Rue, a well-known female impersonator, appeared on the front cover in a photograph taken at the Royal Variety Performance of him with Liberace, who was ballooned as saying "I think your English queens are wonderful". La Rue supposedly responded by threatening to "go to the family solicitors, Rue, Grabbit and Son" (he was aggrieved at the implication that he was homosexual). In more serious cases, ''Private Eye'' often cites "Carter-Fuck", a derogatory reference to Peter Carter-Ruck of the law firm Carter Ruck, which had a reputation for taking on defamation cases at great expense to clients and claiming particularly high damages, regardless of the gravity of the case.
* St Cake's School is an imaginary public school, run by Mr R. J. Kipling (BA, Leicester). The headmaster's name is part of the joke regarding the name "St Cake's", in reference to Mr Kipling cakes. Articles featuring the school parody the "Court and Social" columns of ''The Times'' and ''The Daily Telegraph'', and the traditions and customs of the public school system. The school's motto is ''Quis paget entrat'' (Who pays gets in), although variations on this arise from time to time, such as when the school decided to admit only the daughters of very rich Asian businessmen, and the motto became ''All praise to the prophet, and death to the infidel''. While the school's newsletters feature extraordinary and unlikely results and prizes, events such as speech days, founders' days, term dates and feast days are announced with topical themes, such as under-age drinking, drug abuse, obesity, celebrity culture, anti-social behaviour and cheating in exams. The school is sometimes referred to as "the Eton of the West Midlands", in reference to that area's relative lack of such schools.
* Neasden is a Greater London suburb which is the location of various parody institutions, and is often given as the origin of fictional letters. In 1971, Richard Ingrams said simply that Neasden was used "to denote the contemporary urban environment". Stories from the world of football are satirised in "reports" by E.I. Addio (a reference to the football chant ''Ee Aye Addio'') about the mythical and notoriously under-performing club Neasden F.C., which plays in the deliciously depressing North Circular Relegation League, with quotes from its manager "tight-lipped, ashen-faced supremo Ron Knee (59)" and "the fans" (implying that there were only two) Sid and Doris Bonkers. Sid and Doris Hill are occasionally given as the fans' names, a pun on the suburb of Dollis Hill, which is near Neasden. The club's recent misfortunes lampooned the recent tribulations of major clubs in the national news. Often, underneath a spoof sports story, the sub-column "late result" would appear, reporting on a match recently played by Neasden. This normally involved a humorously unlikely team, often one related to current affairs, such as Taleban FC. Neasden nearly always lose by a huge margin, often owing to own goals scored by veteran player "Baldy" Pevsner, who often scores a consolation "one boot", and in spite of the efforts of their goalkeeper, "One-legged net-minder Wally Foot". Neasden is also the setting for the regular column Neasden Police Log, a fictional log-entry style police report that almost invariably depicts the police as racist, incompetent, and obsessed with observing politically correct rules at the expense of maintaining law and order. In 1970, "Neasden" was a brief hit put in the Eye as a throwaway plastic single, sung by William Rushton, who contributed to the ''Eye'' as a cartoonist: it can be heard in John Betjeman's TV documentary ''Metro-land'' as a backing track. Betjeman also worked briefly on the magazine, establishing its "Nooks & Corners" architecture criticism column.
* Spiggy Topes is, with or without his group The Turds, the archetypal rock star, often used when the magazine wishes to satirise the antics of the more pretentious members of the rock establishment. His persona appears to owe a good deal to John Lennon and Mick Jagger, although Paul McCartney's fashion designer daughter Stella was once referred to as Stella Topes. In some entries, Topes has received both a knighthood and a more refined version of his name"Sir Spigismund Topes".
* Dave Spart is a parody of a stereotypical left-wing agitator who featured in editions of the 1970s and from time to time since (for example, after the 2011 England riots and following the split in Corbyn's Shadow Cabinet over the bombing of Syria and military intervention against ISIL). Occasionally, his sister, Deirdre Spart, has offered her views. ''Private Eye'' often refers to real-life hard-left activists as "Spartists", itself a parody of the left-wing Spartacist League. Ken Livingstone is sometimes lampooned as Ken Leninspart.
* A taxi driver writes is a spoof of generally right-wing views of politicians, and parodies taxi drivers' chat with customers, frequently ending with some figure prominent in the news of the day ("I had that nsert namein the back of the cab the other day... lovely fella") or with blunt advocacy of capital punishment ("String 'em up, I say. It's the only language they understand").
* Sir Hartley Redface, archetypal grasping and unscrupulous barrister, so called presumably for the effects on his appearance of his fondness for fine clarets. Usually pleads before the eminent and eminently out-of-touch Judge Cocklecarrot.
* Polly Filler is a female columnist who constantly describes her dealings with put-upon au pairs and her husband "the useless Simon". Her name is a parody of Polyfilla, a British brand of putty used to repair defects in walls and ceilings.
* E. J. Thribb is an insipid poet, eternally aged 17½.
* Alceste Diocletian Penumbra is a spoof octogenarian poet, often appearing in the Literary Review "What You Didn't Miss Pt. 94". He is described as a leading member of the undeservedly little-known, Cambridge-based "Recherche Group" and hailed both as "the one solitary genius of the post-post-modern age" and "the world's first ante-post-modernist". His anthologies include ''Concrete Faxes'' (his debut), ''Einstein Agogo'', ''Than With Whom What Other (A Challenge to Scansion)'', and ''Shriven by the Zodiac''.
* Snipcock and Tweed is a caricature based on the London publishing firm Weidenfeld and Nicolson, according to Charles Moore in ''The Spectator'', who describes the joke as "slightly anti-Semitic".

Nicknames, names intentionally misspelled or misstated

People

* Prime Minister Harold Wilson was always named as "Wislon", a name also later applied to A. N. Wilson. Occasionally he was referred to as "Lord Loinwash" an anagram of Harold Wilson.
* Sir James Goldsmith, a frequent and vindictive litigant, was referred to by a number of nicknames including Sir Jams, Sir Jammy Fishpaste, and Sir James Goldfinger. Goldsmith's short-lived magazine '' Now!'' was renamed ''Talbot!''
* Writer Paul Johnson is referred to as "Paul 'Loonybins' Johnson."
* Robert Maxwell, another perennial litigant against the ''Eye'', was referred to as Cap'n Bob and the Bouncing Czech, the latter apparently conferred by Harold Wilson. Maxwell was a Czech émigré, notably overweight and ebullient (also, a cheque which is returned due to insufficient funds is said to have "bounced").
* Elizabeth II was regularly referred to as "Brenda" and Charles III as "Brian". Historically, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh was "Keith", Princess Margaret (Brenda's younger sister) was "Yvonne", and Diana, Princess of Wales, was "Cheryl"a satire on the perceived nature of Royal affairs as a soap opera.
* From 1964 until his death, Sir Alec Douglas-Home was referred to as Baillie Vass, after his photograph was mistakenly captioned as such in the Aberdeen '' Evening Express''.
* Piers Morgan is referred to as Piers Moron (or Piers "Morgan" Moron).

Companies and organisations

* Capita, a long-term favourite target of ''Private Eye'', is frequently called "Crapita" and "the world's worst outsourcing firm".
* The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs is usually called the "Department for the Elimination/Eradication of Farming and Rural Affairs"; its acronym DEFRA is usually spelt DEFRO (Death Row), and its former long-term minister Margaret Beckett is still called Rosa Klebb after the character in the James Bond film '' From Russia With Love''. Its forerunner, the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food (MAFF), was referred to as the "Maffia".
* FirstGroup

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