* Alderman Jabez Foodbotham — "the 25-stone, iron-watch-chained, crag-visaged, grim-booted"
and "perpetual chairman of the Bradford City Tramways and Fine Arts Committee." Officially died in 1928 but local legend says that, like
", waiting the summons "to save his city in its hour of supreme danger". Loosely inspired by the
dynasty.
* Doreen Gaggs — trend-crazed tabloid and women's magazine journalist and wife of
.
* Dr Heinz Kiosk — A psychoanalyst and rentaquote pundit who, at every manifestation of
, is ready to deflect responsibility from the individual perpetrator and onto society as a whole; as reflected in his catchphrase "We are all guilty!"
* Lieutenant General Sir Frederick "Tiger" Nidgett — retired commanding officer of the Royal Army Tailoring Corps and maker of inspirational speeches full of fatuous rhetoric. His autobiography, ''Up Sticks and Away!'', was ghostwritten by
. Alleged mentor of
.
* Harry and Janet Nodule — traffic-jam fans of Brassgrove Park in south London and always on the look out for a "good snarl-up".
* King Norman the Good — future head of the Royal Socialist Family. Husband of Queen Doreen, son-in-law of the Queen Gran, father of Princes Barry and Kevin and Princesses Shirley and Tracey, brother-in-law of Duke Len of
.
Park). Also a prestigious Stretchfordshire cricket all-rounder, he is known to have scored 1024 not out,
, in an innings composed entirely of sixes.
Farm who grows money and share-certificates directly from the soil and regularly disturbs or even kills his neighbours with agricultural experiments. Father of buxom, dark-eyed, lab-coated Hephzibah. Not to be confused with
.
byways. Continually discovering lost communities of
but now usually reduced to one aged representative living in reduced circumstances "behind an ordinary-looking pet shop in
's Turgis Hill High Street".
* Prem Bakshi — Diminutive Pakistani
triangle player in the Stretchford M.S.O.
* Sir Sid Ballpoint — "Supreme Manager-in-Chief of the British Underwater Motorcycling Federation". See also
Trevor Dimwiddie.
* S. J. Barstow (1886–1929), the only
hydro-electrical engineer to be a member of the
Bloomsbury Group. Took part with
D. H. Lawrence
David Herbert Lawrence (11 September 1885 – 2 March 1930) was an English writer, novelist, poet and essayist. His works reflect on modernity, industrialization, sexuality, emotional health, vitality, spontaneity and instinct. His best-k ...
at a combined poetry-reading and hydro-electrical engineering demonstration in Oxford, where he was introduced to Lady
Ottoline Morrell
Lady Ottoline Violet Anne Morrell (16 June 1873 – 21 April 1938) was an English aristocrat and society hostess. Her patronage was influential in artistic and intellectual circles, where she befriended writers including Aldous Huxley, Siegfr ...
. His letters to
Leonard Woolf
Leonard Sidney Woolf (; – ) was a British political theorist, author, publisher, and civil servant. He was married to author Virginia Woolf. As a member of the Labour Party and the Fabian Society, Woolf was an avid publisher of his own wo ...
requesting payment for repairs to a table lamp are profoundly moving and foreshadow his later suicide by auto-electrocution.
* Blazeaway — column's shooting correspondent. Lists bags of left-wing student, ecologist and social scientist, some of whom end up on the tables at the trendy
West End restaurant ''Au Petit Coin
Anthropophage
An anthropophage or ''anthropophagus'' (from el, ανθρωποφάγος , translit=anthrōpophagos, "human-eater", plural el, ανθρωποφάγοι , translit=anthropophagi) was a member of a mythical race of cannibals described first by ...
''.
* Boggs Motor Company — columnnar vehicle manufacturer. Product line includes such cars as the Boggs ''Assassin'', Boggs ''Yobbo'', Boggs ''Super-Oaf'' and (the vehicle of choice for Harry and Janet Nodule) the Boggs ''Snail''.
* Dr Kev Burst — headmaster of Stretchford
Comprehensive School. Runs extensive car-hire, pornography and other businesses with the labour and cash he extracts from his huge student community.
* E. S. Canister (1886–1980) — ''litterateur'' (as in litter) who was "the first to leave a rusting bedstead on the summit of
Scafell Pike
Scafell Pike () is the highest and the most prominent mountain in England, at an elevation of above sea level. It is located in the Lake District National Park, in Cumbria, and is part of the Southern Fells and the Scafell massif.
Scafell P ...
". His later works include "Vandalised Grand Piano and Two Tons of Toffee Papers on
Ben Nevis
Ben Nevis ( ; gd, Beinn Nibheis ) is the highest mountain in Scotland, the United Kingdom and the British Isles. The summit is above sea level and is the highest land in any direction for . Ben Nevis stands at the western end of the Grampian ...
" (1920) and "Four Tons of Miscellaneous Litter on the Sierra Nevada" (1927). Inspiration for the Friends of Litter.
* Jeremy Cardhouse — originally a "progressive"
Conservative Party MP, later defected to the
Labour Party and became a
Peter Mandelson
Peter Benjamin Mandelson, Baron Mandelson (born 21 October 1953) is a British Labour Party politician who served as First Secretary of State from 2009 to 2010. He was President of the Board of Trade in 1998 and from 2008 to 2010. He is the ...
-worshipping
Euro MP. Compared by
A. N. Wilson to the eventual Conservative leader and Prime Minister
David Cameron.
* Dr Abdul Ngong Castrumba — "freelance, all-purpose revolutionary leader". Based on
Fidel Castro,
Patrice Lumumba
Patrice Émery Lumumba (; 2 July 1925 – 17 January 1961) was a Congolese politician and independence leader who served as the first prime minister of the Democratic Republic of the Congo (then known as the Republic of the Congo) from June u ...
and other 1960s revolutionaries.
* Chocolate Meringue
Narthex
The narthex is an architectural element typical of early Christian and Byzantine basilicas and churches consisting of the entrance or lobby area, located at the west end of the nave, opposite the church's main altar. Traditionally the narthex ...
— A highly successful rock group led by the Bishop of Bevindon.
* Mungo Clange — Sentimental and optimistic columnist who shares his 'tidings of joy' with readers. Specialises in mawkish stories about lovable ordinary folk, and in sharing the simple joy of the elderly mothers of such characters as
Leonid Brezhnev
Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev; uk, links= no, Леонід Ілліч Брежнєв, . (19 December 1906– 10 November 1982) was a Soviet politician who served as General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union between 1964 and ...
and
Ayatollah Khomenei
Ruhollah Khomeini, Ayatollah Khomeini, Imam Khomeini ( , ; ; 17 May 1900 – 3 June 1989) was an Iranian political and religious leader who served as the first supreme leader of Iran from 1979 until his death in 1989. He was the founder of ...
. Modelled on
Godfrey Winn.
* Attila Craggs — ruthlessly resolute chief of the
Television Licence
A television licence or broadcast receiving licence is a payment required in many countries for the reception of television broadcasts, or the possession of a television set where some broadcasts are funded in full or in part by the licence ...
Evaders'
Liberation Army, or TELELA. Oversees his fanatical Telelistas from a secret hideout "somewhere in
South London" and speaks a special and sometimes confusing dialect of commercial Spanish.
* Mr Dis — taciturn, dark-visaged manager of the
Home Farm on the
Mountwarlock Estate. Expert in the growing of
mandrake
A mandrake is the root of a plant, historically derived either from plants of the genus '' Mandragora'' found in the Mediterranean region, or from other species, such as ''Bryonia alba'', the English mandrake, which have similar properties. The ...
s.
* Senator Patrick Flannely — keen American supporter of the Irish Republican Navy (IRN) - a parody of prominent American sympathizers with the
Irish Republican Army
The Irish Republican Army (IRA) is a name used by various paramilitary organisations in Ireland throughout the 20th and 21st centuries. Organisations by this name have been dedicated to irredentism through Irish republicanism, the belief th ...
such as Senator
Edward Kennedy
Edward Moore Kennedy (February 22, 1932 – August 25, 2009) was an American lawyer and politician who served as a United States senator from Massachusetts for almost 47 years, from 1962 until his death in 2009. A member of the Democratic ...
.
* Ron Frabb —
teen idol
A teen idol is a celebrity with a large teenage fan base. Teen idols are generally young but are not necessarily teenagers. An idol's popularity may be limited to teens, or may extend to all age groups.
By region Asia
East Asia possess ...
kept permanently drugged by his manager
Cliff Rampton.
* Dr F. Gestaltvogel — Chief Consultant Psychiatrist at Nerdley General Hospital. Often gives expert advice in court cases overseen by
Dr Ellis Goth-Jones, recommending
abreactive therapy or
electroshock therapy
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a psychiatric treatment where a generalized seizure (without muscular convulsions) is electrically induced to manage refractory mental disorders.Rudorfer, MV, Henry, ME, Sackeim, HA (2003)"Electroconvulsive the ...
for the accused and offering euthanasia at his own clinic if this fails.
* Ghoulman — chief warden of the
safari park
A safari park, sometimes known as a wildlife park, is a zoo-like commercial drive-in tourist attraction where visitors can drive their own vehicles or ride in vehicles provided by the facility to observe freely roaming animals.
A safari park ...
on the
Mountwarlock estate, where he cares for the
wyvern
A wyvern ( , sometimes spelled wivern) is a legendary winged dragon that has two legs.
The wyvern in its various forms is important in heraldry, frequently appearing as a mascot of schools and athletic teams (chiefly in the United States, Un ...
s,
basilisk
In European bestiaries and legends, a basilisk ( or ) is a legendary reptile reputed to be a serpent king, who causes death to those who look into its eyes. According to the ''Naturalis Historia'' of Pliny the Elder, the basilisk of Cyrene i ...
s,
gorgon
A Gorgon ( /ˈɡɔːrɡən/; plural: Gorgons, Ancient Greek: Γοργών/Γοργώ ''Gorgṓn/Gorgṓ'') is a creature in Greek mythology. Gorgons occur in the earliest examples of Greek literature. While descriptions of Gorgons vary, the te ...
s and other monsters and ensures that their incineratory or petrifactory powers are always working at their peak.
*Gjoq —
Albania
Albania ( ; sq, Shqipëri or ), or , also or . officially the Republic of Albania ( sq, Republika e Shqipërisë), is a country in Southeastern Europe. It is located on the Adriatic and Ionian Seas within the Mediterranean Sea and shares ...
n
au pair
An au pair (; plural: au pairs) is a helper from a foreign country working for, and living as part of, a host family. Typically, au pairs take on a share of the family's responsibility for childcare as well as some housework, and receive a mon ...
of
Mrs Dutt-Pauker. Forms a sometimes fractious
anti-Stalinist
The anti-Stalinist left is an umbrella term for various kinds of left-wing political movements that opposed Joseph Stalin, Stalinism and the actual system of governance Stalin implemented as leader of the Soviet Union between 1927 and 1953. Th ...
alliance with Mrs Dutt-Pauker's Maoist grandson Bert.
* Jon Glasse-Derkeley — arts critic and "cultural entrepreneur". Chronicler of the Nerdley Scene during the 1960s.
* Len Gollip —
General Secretary of the Associated Union of Hole-borers. Presides over record votes of up to 2,379,801 in union ballots, despite the Union having only 65,785 members, many now dead.
* Goth-Joneses —
nepotistic family in the Stretchford conurbation. Llewellyn Goth-Jones is a fanatic advocate of contraception, abortion and "universal sexual intercourse". Sir Aylwin Goth-Jones is "the genial, unpopular Chief Constable of Stretchford", fanatically devoted to the detection and arrest of
drink drivers. Dr Ellis Goth-Jones, 59, is the chairman of Nerdley magistrates' court, overseeing cases initiated by
Detective Sergeant J. B. MacKenzie of Nerdley Special Branch and receiving the expert advice of
Dr F. Gestaltvogel. Dr Harry Goth-Jones is the
vice-chancellor
A chancellor is a leader of a college or university, usually either the executive or ceremonial head of the university or of a university campus within a university system.
In most Commonwealth and former Commonwealth nations, the chancellor ...
of St Oicks University in Stretchford, where "more than 105 per cent of entrants achieved
honours degrees mostly in such subjects as skateboarding studies and Belgian pastry studies".
* Angelo "Tiny Tim" Grotto — weedy, sickly, near-dwarvish
Mafia Boss
A crime boss, also known as a crime lord, Don, gang lord, gang boss, mob boss, kingpin, godfather, crime mentor or criminal mastermind, is a person in charge of a criminal organization.
Description
A crime boss typically has absolute or nearl ...
. Wore an "outsize, steel-lined"
fedora from beneath which his weak, watery eyes "missed everything". Feared by rival Mafia bosses Giovanni "Fat Face"
Leoncavallo
Ruggero (or Ruggiero) Leoncavallo ( , , ; 23 April 18579 August 1919) was an Italian opera composer and librettist. Although he produced numerous operas and other songs throughout his career it is his opera '' Pagliacci'' (1892) that remained h ...
, Michele "Six Legs"
Puccini
Giacomo Puccini ( Lucca, 22 December 1858Bruxelles, 29 November 1924) was an Italian composer known primarily for his operas. Regarded as the greatest and most successful proponent of Italian opera after Verdi, he was descended from a long ...
, and Giacomo "Plastic
Garden Gnome
Garden gnomes (german: links=no, Gartenzwerge, lit=garden dwarfs) are lawn ornament figurines of small humanoid creatures based on the mythological creature and diminutive spirit which occur in Renaissance magic and alchemy, known as gnomes. T ...
"
Wolf-Ferrari. Was eventually slain by Francesco "Big Jock"
Busoni
Ferruccio Busoni (1 April 1866 – 27 July 1924) was an Italian composer, pianist, conductor, editor, writer, and teacher. His international career and reputation led him to work closely with many of the leading musicians, artists and literary f ...
with a poisoned 4-lb tin of his favourite sweets, Uncle Joe's Mintballs from
Wigan
Wigan ( ) is a large town in Greater Manchester, England, on the River Douglas. The town is midway between the two cities of Manchester, to the south-east, and Liverpool, to the south-west. Bolton lies to the north-east and Warrington t ...
, after a failed assassination attempt with an explosive
teddy bear
A teddy bear is a stuffed toy in the form of a bear. Developed apparently simultaneously by toymakers Morris Michtom in the U.S. and Richard Steiff under his aunt Margarete Steiff's company in Germany in the early 20th century, the teddy b ...
.
* Mr Grylls — former clergyman and authority on
ecclesiastical law
Canon law (from grc, κανών, , a 'straight measuring rod, ruler') is a set of ordinances and regulations made by ecclesiastical authority (church leadership) for the government of a Christian organization or church and its members. It is th ...
, now attends to
Ughtred St John Mainwaring, the column's well-bred computer. Wears special uniform and forswears
animal food while in attendance.
* Squire Haggard — hard-drinking, xenophobic and lecherous 18th-century squire and diarist, invented and written for the column by the humorist
Michael Green. Always armed with a
fowling-piece, he is the perpetual foe of "
Whigs,
Jacobites
Jacobite means follower of Jacob or James. Jacobite may refer to:
Religion
* Jacobites, followers of Saint Jacob Baradaeus (died 578). Churches in the Jacobite tradition and sometimes called Jacobite include:
** Syriac Orthodox Church, sometime ...
,
Papist
The words Popery (adjective Popish) and Papism (adjective Papist, also used to refer to an individual) are mainly historical pejorative words in the English language for Roman Catholicism, once frequently used by Protestants and Eastern Orthodo ...
s, Frenchmen and Scotchmen". Has a butler named Grind. Later portrayed in a
Yorkshire Television
ITV Yorkshire, previously known as Yorkshire Television and commonly referred to as just YTV, is the British television service provided by ITV Broadcasting Limited for the Yorkshire franchise area on the ITV (TV network), ITV network. Until 19 ...
/
ITV series by
Keith Barron
Keith Barron (8 August 1934 – 15 November 2017) was an English actor and television presenter who appeared in films and on television from 1961 until 2017. His television roles included the police drama ''The Odd Man'', the sitcom ''Duty Free ...
.
* Mr. Harrison; kindly old
shop steward
A union representative, union steward, or shop steward is an employee of an organization or company who represents and defends the interests of their fellow employees as a labor union member and official. Rank-and-file members of the union hold ...
at the
panel-beating plant of the Boggs motor factory in Nerdley, where he supervises the three chums Jim, Fred and Rashid Patel.
* Supt. J.S. Harrogate — chief of police operations against the deadly
Housewives' Clubs of the
Stretchford conurbation. Is believed to write the anonymous preface to the ''Annual Directory of Typical Housewives' Fan Clubs of Stretchford'' (Viper and Bugloss).
* Rex Hickfield — journalist who describes visits to the ageing Oliver and Connie Mellors (née Chatterley), formerly of
D. H. Lawrence
David Herbert Lawrence (11 September 1885 – 2 March 1930) was an English writer, novelist, poet and essayist. His works reflect on modernity, industrialization, sexuality, emotional health, vitality, spontaneity and instinct. His best-k ...
's ''
Lady Chatterley's Lover''.
* Brian
Hohenzollern — brilliant film director at Piledriver Films (cf.
Hammer Films) whose series of horror movies star Bruce
Braganza as
Ludwig Wittgenstein
Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein ( ; ; 26 April 1889 – 29 April 1951) was an Austrian-British philosopher who worked primarily in logic, the philosophy of mathematics, the philosophy of mind, and the philosophy of language. He is con ...
, with co-stars Stan
Bourbon Parma, Kay
Wittelsbach
The House of Wittelsbach () is a German dynasty, with branches that have ruled over territories including Bavaria, the Palatinate, Holland and Zeeland, Sweden (with Finland), Denmark, Norway, Hungary (with Romania), Bohemia, the Electorate ...
and Ted
Capet
The House of Capet (french: Maison capétienne) or the Direct Capetians (''Capétiens directs''), also called the House of France (''la maison de France''), or simply the Capets, ruled the Kingdom of France from 987 to 1328. It was the most s ...
, costume research by Shirley
Porphyrogenitus and
music
Music is generally defined as the art of arranging sound to create some combination of form, harmony, melody, rhythm or otherwise expressive content. Exact definitions of music vary considerably around the world, though it is an aspe ...
by Bing
Karageorgevitch.
schismatic and constantly battling fan clubs in the
Stretchford conurbation. All are descended from the Our
Jackie Kennedy
Jacqueline Lee Kennedy Onassis ( ; July 28, 1929 – May 19, 1994) was an American socialite, writer, photographer, and book editor who served as first lady of the United States from 1961 to 1963, as the wife of President John F. Kennedy. A po ...
fan club of the 1960s. Police operations against them are overseen by
Supt. J.S. Harrogate.
* Clare Howitzer — socialist
agony aunt. Based partly on
Claire Rayner
Claire Berenice Rayner, OBE (; née Chetwynd; 22 January 1931 – 11 October 2010) was an English journalist, broadcaster, novelist and nurse, best known for her role for many years as an advice columnist.
Early life
Rayner was born to Jewish ...
.
* Morag Ironheart — famous for her Clackmannanshire terriers, bred at her kennels at Brig O' Dread in their eponymous county.
* MacAnguish — Scottish head gardener on the
Mountwarlock estate. In charge of the Great Garden of Terror and the Deadly
Upas Tree.
* Detective Sergeant J. B. MacKenzie — star officer of Nerdley
Special Branch who is continually making arrests on
Kandahar
Kandahar (; Kandahār, , Qandahār) is a city in Afghanistan, located in the south of the country on the Arghandab River, at an elevation of . It is Afghanistan's second largest city after Kabul, with a population of about 614,118. It is the c ...
Road while on "routine search for certain substances". See also
Dr Ellis Goth-Jones.
* Ughtred St John Mainwaring — column's well-bred computer. Has "carved mahogany case" and "subdued lighting as of finest wax candles". Easily angered by breaches of etiquette and protocol. Attended by the devoted
Mr Grylls.
* The Master of Paddington — the name given by Peter Simple to the author of the (genuine)
graffito "Far away is close at hand in images of elsewhere", which appeared on a wall close to
Paddington Station
Paddington, also known as London Paddington, is a Central London railway terminus and London Underground station complex, located on Praed Street in the Paddington area. The site has been the London terminus of services provided by the Great ...
.
* Dr E. J. Multimer — angry young astronomer and sex-pest at Stretchford. Based partly on
Fred Hoyle
Sir Fred Hoyle FRS (24 June 1915 – 20 August 2001) was an English astronomer who formulated the theory of stellar nucleosynthesis and was one of the authors of the influential B2FH paper. He also held controversial stances on other sci ...
.
* Elvira Mutcliffe — "Cleckheaton-born ''
diseuse
A monologist (), or interchangeably monologuist (), is a solo artist who recites or gives dramatic readings from a monologue, soliloquy, poetry, or work of literature, for the entertainment of an audience. The term can also refer to a person wh ...
'' and devotee of solid pottery and
eurhythmic dancing" who leads a well-respected witches' coven in the
West Riding
The West Riding of Yorkshire is one of three historic subdivisions of Yorkshire, England. From 1889 to 1974 the administrative county County of York, West Riding (the area under the control of West Riding County Council), abbreviated County ...
. On good terms with
Satan, who often appears to her coven in the form of the Great Black Goat of
Mytholmroyd
Mytholmroyd (pronounced ) is a large village in the Upper Calder Valley in West Yorkshire, England, east of Hebden Bridge. It lies east of Burnley and west of Halifax. The village, which has a population of approximately 4,000 is in the L ...
, and guardian, with her chief
warlock
A warlock is a male practitioner of witchcraft.
Etymology and terminology
The most commonly accepted etymology derives '' warlock'' from the Old English '' wǣrloga'', which meant "breaker of oaths" or "deceiver" and was given special applicati ...
,
Councillor
A councillor is an elected representative for a local government council in some countries.
Canada
Due to the control that the provinces have over their municipal governments, terms that councillors serve vary from province to province. Unl ...
Albert Gogden, of the
Trilby
A trilby is a narrow-brimmed type of hat. The trilby was once viewed as the rich man's favored hat; it is sometimes called the "brown trilby" in Britain Roetzel, Bernhard (1999). ''Gentleman's Guide to Grooming and Style''. Barnes & Noble. and ...
Hat of Invisibility.
* Narcolept — column's boring correspondent. Reports tournaments organized by the British Boring Board of Control under
Sir Herbert Trance.
* Rev Bruce Nethers — Vandals' Padre and incumbent at St Atilla's church. See
Supergoth.
* Dr. Ngrafta — president of Gombola (formerly Gomboland, capital New Harrogate) and the only African
head of state
A head of state (or chief of state) is the public persona who officially embodies a state Foakes, pp. 110–11 " he head of statebeing an embodiment of the State itself or representatitve of its international persona." in its unity and l ...
who is both a
witchdoctor and a graduate of the
London School of Economics
The London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE) is a public university, public research university located in London, England and a constituent college of the federal University of London. Founded in 1895 by Fabian Society members Sidn ...
.
* Rev. Peter Nordwestdeutscher — mischief-making domestic chaplain of
Dr Spaceley-Trellis, the go-ahead Bishop of Bevindon. Name clearly inspired by Canon
Paul Oestreicher'veteran peace campaigner'and the sometime amanuensis of
Bertrand Russell
Bertrand Arthur William Russell, 3rd Earl Russell, (18 May 1872 – 2 February 1970) was a British mathematician, philosopher, logician, and public intellectual. He had a considerable influence on mathematics, logic, set theory, linguistics, ...
.
* Marylou Ogreburg — born in Dissentville, Ohio, now runs the "People's Bread and
Marmite
Marmite ( ) is a British savoury food spread based on yeast extract, invented by the German scientist Justus von Liebig. It is made from by-products of beer brewing ( lees) and is produced by the British company Unilever. Marmite is a vegan ...
Street Dance Theatre Workshop" in London, giving politically awakening and socially relevant performances for ordinary folk unable to escape in time.
* Paul Ohm — "freelance technologist" who lives at Atomdene,
Edgbaston
Edgbaston () is an affluent suburban area of central Birmingham, England, historically in Warwickshire, and curved around the southwest of the city centre.
In the 19th century, the area was under the control of the Gough-Calthorpe family a ...
and is building a
nuclear accelerator in his garden.
* Gillian Paste — left-wing television producer and presenter of ''Sneer with Mother'' (cf ''
Listen with Mother
''Listen with Mother'' was a BBC radio programme for children which ran between 16 January 1950 to 10 September 1982. It was originally produced by Freda Lingstrom and was presented over the years by Daphne Oxenford, Julia Lang, Eileen Browne ...
''). Close ally of
Mrs Dutt-Pauker.
* Cliff Rampton —
pop music
Pop music is a genre of popular music that originated in its modern form during the mid-1950s in the United States and the United Kingdom. The terms ''popular music'' and ''pop music'' are often used interchangeably, although the former descri ...
entrepreneur and manager of
Ron Frabb.
* Redshank — the column's nature diarist (parodying the
Country Diary
''Country Diary'' is a daily natural history column in the English newspaper ''The Guardian'', first published in November 1906. It is also now freely available on the newspaper's website. Past and present contributors include Pete Bowler, Arnol ...
in ''
The Guardian
''The Guardian'' is a British daily newspaper. It was founded in 1821 as ''The Manchester Guardian'', and changed its name in 1959. Along with its sister papers ''The Observer'' and ''The Guardian Weekly'', ''The Guardian'' is part of the Gu ...
'' and similar features in other newspapers). Chronicled the oddly incompetent bird the Dotterel and the doings of such characters as
Old Seth the Wasp-Keeper.
* Rentamob (originally Rentacrowd) — mammoth consortium supplying semi-automated, slogan-shouting demonstrators wherever they are required. Was particularly in demand during the
Apartheid
Apartheid (, especially South African English: , ; , "aparthood") was a system of institutionalised racial segregation that existed in South Africa and South West Africa (now Namibia) from 1948 to the early 1990s. Apartheid was ...
era.
* Old Seth the Wasp-Keeper — preserver of the custom of "telling the wasps" (cf
Telling the bees), whereby his charges are kept informed of "actual and grievous bodily harm, rape, fraud and the formation of new gangs of hooligans of ever-increasing ferocity" in his village. Author of ''Through A Waspkeeper's Window'', ''Waspkeeping My Destiny'' and ''A Waspkeeper Remembers''. Chronicled by the column's nature diarist
Redshank.
* Peter Simple himself — benevolent landowner and upholder of the traditions of England. Family seat: Simpleham. Wealth: substantial but not excessive, deriving in part from slave labour on South American
latifundia
A ''latifundium'' (Latin: ''latus'', "spacious" and ''fundus'', "farm, estate") is a very extensive parcel of privately owned land. The latifundia of Roman history were great landed estates specializing in agriculture destined for export: grain, o ...
. A regular reader of the ''
Feudal Times and
Reactionary Herald'', from whose thoughtful
leaders
Leadership, both as a research area and as a practical skill, encompasses the ability of an individual, group or organization to "lead", influence or guide other individuals, teams, or entire organizations. The word "leadership" often gets view ...
he frequently quotes. Protected by two giant bodyguards, Blohm and Voss (named after the
Blohm and Voss
Blohm+Voss (B+V), also written historically as Blohm & Voss, Blohm und Voß etc., is a German shipbuilding and engineering company. Founded in Hamburg in 1877 to specialise in steel-hulled ships, its most famous product was the World War II battle ...
company).
*Ken Slabb — "bearded, grenade-draped" perpetual president of Stretchford Student Union.
* Len Spheroyd (1920–1976) — fattest fireman in history, at over thirty-two stone, and distant relation of
Ron Spheroyd. Regularly late on duty due to non-stop eating of
pork pie
A pork pie is a traditional English meat pie, usually served either at room temperature or cold (although often served hot in Yorkshire). It consists of a filling of roughly chopped pork and pork fat, surrounded by a layer of jellied pork stock ...
s and carrying of other emergency rations, and found it very difficult to travel to the scene of a fire. Eventually achieved his dearest wish and extinguished a fire when he sat on his own dangerously burning
chip pan Chromatin immunoprecipitation (ChIP) is a type of immunoprecipitation experimental technique used to investigate the interaction between proteins and DNA in the cell. It aims to determine whether specific proteins are associated with specific geno ...
, but ruined chips and lost his own life.
[''Peter Simple's World'' (1988), pp. 217-8.]
* Ron Spheroyd — tuba player and
shop steward
A union representative, union steward, or shop steward is an employee of an organization or company who represents and defends the interests of their fellow employees as a labor union member and official. Rank-and-file members of the union hold ...
in the Stretchford M.S.O. under
Sir Jim Gastropodi. Plays a
fortissimo
In music, the dynamics of a piece is the variation in loudness between notes or phrases. Dynamics are indicated by specific musical notation, often in some detail. However, dynamics markings still require interpretation by the performer dependin ...
bottom B flat, signalling "
All out", when a newly discovered
Mahler
Gustav Mahler (; 7 July 1860 – 18 May 1911) was an Austro-Bohemian Romantic composer, and one of the leading conductors of his generation. As a composer he acted as a bridge between the 19th-century Austro-German tradition and the modernism ...
symphony ("The Interminable" or "The Unendurable") has gone on for more than two hours. A soul-mate of militant British unionists of the 1970s and 1980s such as
Mick McGahey and distant relation of
Len Spheroyd, the world's fattest fireman.
* River Stretch — chemical-vapour-wreathed river believed to be "the most polluted" in Europe. See
Stretchford.
* Stretchford — principal city of the Stretchford Conurbation. Famous, ''inter alia'', for "lovely, sex-maniac-haunted" Sadcake Park, with its own council-employed naked
sadhu
''Sadhu'' ( sa, साधु, IAST: ' (male), ''sādhvī'' or ''sādhvīne'' (female)), also spelled ''saddhu'', is a religious ascetic, mendicant or any holy person in Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism who has renounced the worldly life. ...
, a permanently ineffectual football team, Stretchford United, and a vast network of fanatical, ever-battling
Housewives' Clubs. Possibly from
Stechford, a genuine area of
Birmingham
Birmingham ( ) is a City status in the United Kingdom, city and metropolitan borough in the metropolitan county of West Midlands (county), West Midlands in England. It is the second-largest city in the United Kingdom with a population of 1. ...
once represented in Parliament by
Roy Jenkins, a figurehead of the political ideas that Wharton despised.
* Supergoth — column's vandalism correspondent. Covered the Stretchford Vandals' League and the exciting battle for league and cup glory between such teams as the Bog Lane Wanderers, the Soup Hales Iconoclasts and the Lampton Huns.
* Major E.J. Tannoy — "chief roarsman" of the Friends of Noise based at Pandemonium House.
* Royston Vibes — 18th-year sociology student at Nerdley University. Claims to be head of an
Aztec
The Aztecs () were a Mesoamerican culture that flourished in central Mexico in the post-classic period from 1300 to 1521. The Aztec people included different ethnic groups of central Mexico, particularly those groups who spoke the Nahuatl ...
community that conquered Nerdley in the
Dark Ages and demands ever-increasing concessions and benefits from
local government
Local government is a generic term for the lowest tiers of public administration within a particular sovereign state. This particular usage of the word government refers specifically to a level of administration that is both geographically-l ...
, including the inalienable right to commit
human sacrifice
Human sacrifice is the act of killing one or more humans as part of a ritual, which is usually intended to please or appease gods, a human ruler, an authoritative/priestly figure or spirits of dead ancestors or as a retainer sacrifice, wherein ...
on subsidized
step pyramid
A step pyramid or stepped pyramid is an architectural structure that uses flat platforms, or steps, receding from the ground up, to achieve a completed shape similar to a geometric pyramid. Step pyramids are structures which characterized several ...
s.
* R. S. Viswaswami — naked Indian hermit, or
sadhu
''Sadhu'' ( sa, साधु, IAST: ' (male), ''sādhvī'' or ''sādhvīne'' (female)), also spelled ''saddhu'', is a religious ascetic, mendicant or any holy person in Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism who has renounced the worldly life. ...
, employed by the council to live on a lake in "lovely, sex-maniac haunted Sadcake Park", the famed "
iron lung
An iron lung is a type of negative pressure ventilator (NPV), a mechanical respirator which encloses most of a person's body, and varies the air pressure in the enclosed space, to stimulate breathing.Shneerson, Dr. John M., Newmarket Genera ...
" of the Stretchford conurbation.
Notes
References
Compilations of Peter Simple's work:
* ''Way of the World'' (1) (1957)
* ''Way of the World'' (2) (1963)
* ''Peter Simple in Opposition'' (1965)
* ''More of Peter Simple'' (1969)
* ''The Thoughts of Peter Simple'' (1971)
* ''The World of Peter Simple'' (1973)
* ''The Stretchford Chronicles: 25 Years of Peter Simple'' (1980)
* ''The Best of Peter Simple'' (1984)
* ''Peter Simple's World'' (1988). London: Daily Telegraph.
* ''Peter Simple's Century'' (1999)
* ''Peter Simple's Domain'' (2003)
{{EngvarB, date=May 2020
Simple, Peter
Satirical columns