''Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together'' is a 2012 marriage book written by Christian author

Mark Driscoll Mark A. Driscoll (born 1970) is an American evangelical pastor and author who founded the now defunct Mars Hill Church. He is the senior and founding pastor of the Trinity Church in Scottsdale, Arizona, which was founded in 2016. In 1996, D ...

and his wife, Grace, and published by Thomas Nelson. The book spent one week on the ''New York Times'' Best Seller list for advice books, however, controversy arose when it was later reported that a former pastor of

Mars Hill Church Mars Hill Church was a Christian megachurch, founded in 1996 by Mark Driscoll, Lief Moi, and Mike Gunn. It was a multi-site church based in Seattle, Washington and grew from a home Bible study to 15 locations in 4 U.S. states. in addition to ser ...

had contracted with the marketing firm Result Source to affect metrics on the best-seller list shortly before resigning. The church also created a Real Marriage sermon series based on the book.

Content

In the preface, Mark and Grace Driscoll state that they developed the book after they had counseled many couples—many of them facing challenges on how to apply the Bible to their marriage. According to the authors, many of the couples they counseled were afraid of asking questions, and the book sought to address those questions.Driscoll, ''Real Marriage'', p 5-25. The book holds to the

complementarian Complementarianism is a theological view in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, that men and women have different but ''complementary'' roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, and religious leadership. The word "complementary" and i ...

view of marriage between one man and one woman. The book is divided into three parts: Marriage, Sex, and The Last Day. In part one, the Driscolls share their personal stories, including their individual upbringings, their years as a dating couple, and conflict in their marriage. In part two, the authors deal with three different views of sex—sex as god, sex as gross, and sex as gift. In part three, the authors lay out how to "reverse engineer" one's marriage, by examining how to "finish well" on its last day.

Real Marriage Series

The book was later turned into a sermon series, featuring Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace, with question and answers at the end of each sermon. Paralleling the book's content, the series is divided into:
"New Marriage Same Spouse""Friend with Benefits"
Driscoll cites the story of

Martin Luther Martin Luther (; ; 10 November 1483 – 18 February 1546) was a German priest, theologian, author, hymnwriter, and professor, and Augustinian friar. He is the seminal figure of the Protestant Reformation and the namesake of Lutherani ...

and

Katharina von Bora Katharina von Bora (; 29 January 1499 – 20 December 1552), after her wedding Katharina Luther, also referred to as "die Lutherin" ("the Lutheress"), was the wife of Martin Luther, German reformer and a seminal figure of the Protestant Reform ...

to discuss friendship in the context of marriage.
"Men and Marriage"
Driscoll cites the

book of Genesis The Book of Genesis (from Greek ; Hebrew: בְּרֵאשִׁית ''Bəreʾšīt'', "In hebeginning") is the first book of the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Old Testament. Its Hebrew name is the same as its first word, ( "In the beginning" ...

, stating that when Eve sinned, God called on Adam, not Eve. Driscoll states that men are responsible for their wife and family.
"The Respectful Wife"
Driscoll states that this chapter was written by his wife Grace, and that he is "just delivering the mail." Driscoll refers to the book of

Ephesians The Epistle to the Ephesians is the tenth book of the New Testament. Its authorship has traditionally been attributed to Paul the Apostle but starting in 1792, this has been challenged as Deutero-Pauline, that is, pseudepigrapha written in Pau ...

stating that a "respectful wife" consists of praying for her husband, "respecting him thereby making him respectable," but not enabling him with silent compliance.
"Taking Out the Trash""Sex: God, Gross, or Gift?""Disgrace and Grace""The Porn Path"
Mark and Grace Driscoll invite a former employee of the porn industry to discuss her life and experience from that line of work.
"Selfish Lovers and Servant Lovers""Can We________""Reverse-Engineering Your Life and Marriage"

Reception

Critical reception for the book has been mixed, with

Publishers Weekly ''Publishers Weekly'' (''PW'') is an American weekly trade news magazine targeted at publishers, librarians, booksellers, and literary agents. Published continuously since 1872, it has carried the tagline, "The International News Magazine of ...

praising the book's "boldly refreshing approach".

Relevant Relevant is something directly related, connected or pertinent to a topic; it may also mean something that is current. Relevant may also refer to: * Relevant operator, a concept in physics, see renormalization group * Relevant, Ain, a commune ...

wrote that "Though it's certainly not all bad, the helpful and the harmful in Real Marriage are too thoroughly intertwined to be helpful."

Criticism

The book has faced criticism due to the Driscolls' detailed and frank discussion of sex in ''Real Marriage''. The Driscolls have stated that they did not write the book for people looking to read the book for "voyeuristic" intents, but because they viewed sex as an important part of marriage and that the majority of marriage help books were written for people who had not "experienced sexual assault or been abused or exposed to pornography or sexual sins". The book has also been criticized for content such as chapters entitled "The Respectful Wife", with critics stating that the book was "an astoundingly unbelievable work of disrespect for women" and that "the book focuses so much on sex that it can create the impression that it's the most important element of marriage". Mark Driscoll has replied to these criticisms, stating that he was aware that the book's content would "catch flak" and that "accommodating everyone would be impossible".

New York Times Bestseller controversy

In March 2014, ''The Los Angeles Times'' reported that Mars Hill Church contracted with Result Source "to conduct a bestseller campaign for your book, 'Real Marriage' on the week of January 2, 2012. The bestseller campaign is intended to place 'Real Marriage' on the New York Times bestseller list for the Advice How-to list." To achieve this, the contract stated that "RSI will be purchasing at least 11,000 total orders in one-week." This took place and as a result, the book was successfully ranked #1 on the hardcover advice bestseller list on January 22, 2012. On March 28, 2015, a former elder of the church revealed that

had not been involved in initiating nor signing the contract with the marketing firm Result Source. The elder stated that the business relationship with Result Source was initiated by a pastor who resigned shortly thereafter, and remaining church leaders disagreed over the completion of the contract stating that it would reflect badly on the church and Mark Driscoll.

References