Primary and secondary (and occasionally tertiary) are words used by some
polyamorists to distinguish between different degrees of
relationship and to describe participants in those relationships (e.g. "John is my primary").
The ''type'' of entanglement/involvement described varies according to the speaker. The terms generally refer to one or more of the following:
* Emotional involvement: the intensity or depth of participants' feelings for one another.
* Logistic involvement: living and financial arrangements, shared child-rearing, etc.
* Ground rules within relationships: participants might agree that the maintenance of a particular relationship takes priority over others, making that relationship 'primary'.
(Within the "class of relationship" usage, it is ''not'' always the case that the existence of a primary relationship excludes the possibility of other primary relationships; some polyamorists consider themselves to have more than one primary relationship, perhaps along with one or more secondaries. Some polyamorists may also consider themselves to currently have only secondary relationships, and may or may not be seeking primary relationship(s). Within the strict "ranking" usage there can usually by definition be only one primary partner, and one secondary, etc. Some polyamorists use a mixture of these usages - for example defining their largest involvement as "primary" by rank, while lumping all others as "secondary" by class.)
'Primary/secondary/tertiary' terminology is not universally accepted among polyamorists. Some consider the terms (or some usages of the terms) as demeaning to 'secondaries' and 'tertiaries', or as an undesirable form of
pigeonholing
Pigeonholing is a process that attempts to classify disparate entities into a limited number of categories (usually, mutually exclusive ones).
The term usually carries connotations of criticism, implying that the classification scheme referred ...
, and so prefer not to classify their relationships in this way.
Among those who use these terms, the issue of
prescription and description
Linguistic prescription, or prescriptive grammar, is the establishment of rules defining preferred usage of language. These rules may address such linguistic aspects as spelling, pronunciation, vocabulary, syntax, and semantics. Sometimes infor ...
arises. Most prefer to take a descriptive approach, using these terms to convey the nature of their relationships to others but not to decide the nature of those relationships. However, some also use them prescriptively. The distinction may be understood by comparing examples. From the "class of relationship" usage:
*Descriptive: "I raise children and share finances with my wife, Alice, so she is a primary partner."
*Prescriptive: "Alice is my primary partner, therefore I should place my relationship with her ahead of that with Jane."
From the "ranking" usage:
*Descriptive: "I have begun spending more time with Alice than with Jane, so Alice is becoming my primary partner."
*Prescriptive: "Alice is my primary partner, so I should spend more time with her."
External links
A Bouquet of Lovers– Example of prescriptive use of primary/secondary terminology
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{{Close plural relationships
Intimate relationships
Polyamorous terminology