A narcissistic parent is a

parent A parent is a caregiver of the offspring in their own species. In humans, a parent is the caretaker of a child (where "child" refers to offspring, not necessarily age). A ''biological parent'' is a person whose gamete resulted in a child, a male t ...

affected by

narcissism Narcissism is a self-centered personality style characterized as having an excessive interest in one's physical appearance or image and an excessive preoccupation with one's own needs, often at the expense of others. Narcissism exists on a co ...

or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and are threatened by their children's growing independence. This results in a pattern of narcissistic attachment, with the parent considering that the child exists solely to fulfill the parent's needs and wishes. A narcissistic parent will often try to

control Control may refer to: Basic meanings Economics and business * Control (management), an element of management * Control, an element of management accounting * Comptroller (or controller), a senior financial officer in an organization * Controllin ...

their children with threats and emotional abuse. Narcissistic parenting adversely affects the

psychological development Developmental psychology is the scientific study of how and why humans grow, change, and adapt across the course of their lives. Originally concerned with infants and children, the field has expanded to include adolescence, adult development, ...

of children, affecting their reasoning and their emotional, ethical, and societal behaviors and attitudes.

Personal boundaries Personal boundaries or the act of'' setting boundaries'' is a life skill that has been popularized by self help authors and support groups since the mid 1980s. It is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as way to ...

are often disregarded with the goal of molding and manipulating the child to satisfy the parent's expectations. Narcissistic people have low self-esteem and feel the need to control how others regard them, fearing that otherwise they will be blamed or rejected and their personal inadequacies will be exposed. Narcissistic parents are self-absorbed, often to the point of

grandiosity In the field of psychology, the term grandiosity refers to an unrealistic sense of superiority, characterized by a sustained view of one's self as better than others, which is expressed by disdainfully criticising them (contempt), overinflating ...

. They also tend to be inflexible, and lack the

empathy Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position. Definitions of empathy encompass a broad range of social, co ...

necessary for child raising.

Characteristics

The term ''narcissism'', as used in

Sigmund Freud Sigmund Freud ( , ; born Sigismund Schlomo Freud; 6 May 1856 – 23 September 1939) was an Austrian neurologist and the founder of psychoanalysis, a clinical method for evaluating and treating pathologies explained as originating in conflicts ...

’s clinical study, includes behaviors such as self-aggrandizement, self-esteem, vulnerability, fear of losing the affection of people and of failure, reliance on defense mechanisms, perfectionism, and interpersonal conflict. To maintain their self-esteem and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists seek to

the behavior of others, particularly that of their children whom they view as extensions of themselves.Rappoport, Alan, Ph.
Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents. The Therapist, 2005
Thus, narcissistic parents may speak of "carrying the torch", maintaining the family image, or making the mother or father proud. They may reproach their children for exhibiting weakness, being too dramatic, being selfish, or not meeting expectations. Children of narcissists learn to play their part and to show off their special skill(s), especially in public or for others. They typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves. Instead, they associate their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent. Destructive narcissistic parents have a pattern of consistently needing to be the

focus of attention Attention is the behavioral and cognition, cognitive process of selectively concentrating on a discrete aspect of information, whether considered Subjectivity, subjective or Objectivity (philosophy), objective, while ignoring other perceivable ...

exaggerating Exaggeration is the representation of something as more extreme or dramatic than it really is. Exaggeration may occur intentionally or unintentionally. Exaggeration can be a rhetorical device or figure of speech. It may be used to evoke stron ...

, seeking compliments, and putting their children down. Punishment in the form of

blame Blame is the act of censuring, holding responsible, or making negative statements about an individual or group that their actions or inaction are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible fo ...

, criticism or

emotional blackmail Emotional blackmail and FOG are terms popularized by psychotherapist Susan Forward about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and t ...

, and attempts to induce

guilt Guilt may refer to: *Guilt (emotion), an emotion that occurs when a person feels that they have violated a moral standard *Culpability, a legal term *Guilt (law), a legal term Music * ''Guilt'' (album), a 2009 album by Mims * "Guilt" (The Long Bl ...

may be used to ensure compliance with the parent's wishes and their need for

narcissistic supply In psychoanalytic theory, narcissistic supply is a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration from codependents, or such a need in the orally fixated, that does not take into account the feelings, opinions or preferences of othe ...

Children of narcissists

Narcissism tends to play out intergenerationally, with narcissistic parents producing either narcissistic or codependent children in turn. While a

self-confident Confidence is a state of being clear-headed either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Confidence comes from a Latin word 'fidere' which means "to trust"; therefore, having ...

parent, or good-enough parent, can allow a child their autonomous development, the narcissistic parent may instead use the child to promote their own image. A parent concerned with

self-enhancement Self-enhancement is a type of motivation that works to make people feel good about themselves and to maintain self-esteem. This motive becomes especially prominent in situations of threat, failure or blows to one's self-esteem. Self-enhancement i ...

, or with being mirrored and admired by their child, may leave the child feeling like a puppet to the parent's emotional/intellectual demands. Children of a narcissistic parent may not be supportive of others in the home. Observing the behavior of the parent, the child learns that manipulation and guilt are effective strategies for getting what they want. The child may also develop a

false self The true self (also known as real self, authentic self, original self and vulnerable self) and the false self (also known as fake self, idealized self, superficial self and pseudo self) are a psychological dualism conceptualized by English psychoa ...

and use aggression and

intimidation Intimidation is to "make timid or make fearful"; or to induce fear. This includes intentional behaviors of forcing another person to experience general discomfort such as humiliation, embarrassment, inferiority, limited freedom, etc and the victi ...

to get their way.Lynne Namka, Ed.D
Selfishness and narcissism in Family Relationships
Instead, they may invest in the opposite behaviors if they have observed them among friends and other families. When the child of a narcissistic parent experiences safe, real love or sees the example played out in other families, they may identify and act on the differences between their life and that of a child in a healthy family. For example, the lack of empathy and volatility at home may increase the child's own empathy and desire to be respectful. Similarly, intense emotional control and disrespect for boundaries at home may increase the child's value for emotional expression and their desire to extend respect to others. Although the child observes the parent's behavior, they are often on the receiving end of the same behavior. When an alternative to the pain and distress caused at home presents itself, the child may choose to focus on more comforting, safety-inducing behaviors. Some common issues in narcissistic parenting result from a lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing. This may lead to a child feeling empty, insecure in loving relationships, developing imagined fears, mistrusting others, experiencing identity conflict, and suffering an inability to develop a distinct existence from that of the parent. Sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family may learn to meet the parent's needs for

gratification Gratification is the pleasurable emotional reaction of happiness in response to a fulfillment of a desire or goal. It is also identified as a response stemming from the fulfillment of social needs such as affiliation, socializing, social approva ...

and seek love by accommodating the wishes of the parent. The child's normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent's "love". Guilt and

shame Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. Definition Shame is a discrete, basic emotion, d ...

keep the child locked in a developmental arrest. Aggressive impulses and rage may become split off and not integrated with normal development. Some children develop a

as a

defense mechanism In psychoanalytic theory, a defence mechanism (American English: defense mechanism), is an unconscious psychological operation that functions to protect a person from anxiety-producing thoughts and feelings related to internal conflicts and o ...

and become codependent in relationships. The child's unconscious denial of their true self may perpetuate a cycle of

self-hatred Self-hatred is personal self-loathing or hatred of oneself, or low self-esteem which may lead to self-harm. In psychology and psychiatry The term "self-hatred" is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually descri ...

, fearing any reminder of their authentic self. Narcissistic parenting may also lead to children being either victimized or bullies, having a poor or overly inflated body image, tendency to use and/or abuse drugs or alcohol, and

acting out In the psychology of defense mechanisms and self-control, acting out is the performance of an action considered bad or anti-social. In general usage, the action performed is destructive to self or to others. The term is used in this way in sexua ...

(in a potentially harmful manner) for attention. In most cases, the narcissist will select one child in the family to be the Golden Child, and another child to be the Scapegoat. The Golden Child becomes an extension of the narcissist, who lives vicariously through them. As a result many golden children do not develop a healthy sense of self and struggle with boundaries. Scapegoats, on the other hand, become the receptacle for all the negative emotions of the narcissistic parent, who blames them for everything that goes wrong in the family.

Short-term and long-term effects

Due to their vulnerability, children are extremely affected by the behavior of a narcissistic parent. A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves. This may affect the child's imagination and level of curiosity, and they often develop an

extrinsic In science and engineering, an intrinsic property is a property of a specified subject that exists itself or within the subject. An extrinsic property is not essential or inherent to the subject that is being characterized. For example, mass ...

style of motivation. This heightened level of control may be due to the need of the narcissistic parent to maintain the child's dependence on them. Narcissistic parents are quick to anger, putting their children at risk for physical and emotional abuse. To avoid anger and punishment, children of abusive parents often resort to complying with their parent's every demand. This affects both the child's well-being and their ability to make logical decisions on their own, and as adults they often lack

self-confidence Confidence is a state of being clear-headed either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Confidence comes from a Latin word 'fidere' which means "to trust"; therefore, having ...

and the ability to gain control over their life. Identity crisis, loneliness, and struggle with self expression are also commonly seen in children raised by a narcissistic parent. The struggle to discover one's self as an adult stems from the substantial amount of projective identification that the now adult experienced as a child. Because of excessive identification with the parent, the child may never get the opportunity to experience their own identity.

Mental health effects

Studies have found that children of narcissistic parents have significantly higher rates of depression and lower self-esteem during adulthood than those who did not perceive their caregivers as narcissistic. The parent's lack of empathy towards their child contributes to this, as the child's desires are often denied, their feelings restrained, and their overall emotional well-being ignored. Children of narcissistic parents are taught to submit and conform, causing them to lose touch of themselves as individuals. This can lead to the child possessing very few memories of feeling appreciated or loved by their parents for being themselves, as they instead associate the love and appreciation with conformity. Children may benefit with distance from the narcissistic parent. Some children of narcissistic parents resort to leaving home during adolescence if they grow to view the relationship with their parent(s) as toxic.

References

External links

* Malkin
8 Common Effects Of Narcissistic Parenting
'' Huffington Post'' 27 Oct 2016 * Hall J
The Narcissist Parent's Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating
''Huffington Post'' 9 May 2017 * Dodgson
The 5 most common themes in narcissistic families, from 'flying monkeys' to the 'needy sibling'
''Insider'' {{DEFAULTSORT:Narcissistic Parents Family Narcissism Parenting Domestic violence