The ''Shidduch'' ( he, שִׁדּוּךְ, pl. ''shidduchim'' ,
Aramaic
The Aramaic languages, short Aramaic ( syc, ܐܪܡܝܐ, Arāmāyā; oar, 𐤀𐤓𐤌𐤉𐤀; arc, 𐡀𐡓𐡌𐡉𐡀; tmr, אֲרָמִית), are a language family containing many varieties (languages and dialects) that originated in ...
) is a system of
matchmaking
Matchmaking is the process of matching two or more people together, usually for the purpose of marriage, in which case the matchmaker is also known as a marriage broker. The word is also used in the context of sporting events such as boxing, in ...
in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another
in
Orthodox Jewish
Orthodox Judaism is the collective term for the traditionalist and theologically conservative branches of contemporary Judaism. Theologically, it is chiefly defined by regarding the Torah, both Written and Oral, as revealed by God to Moses on M ...
communities for the purpose of marriage.
The practice
In the past and until today in some more conservative Orthodox Jewish circles, dating was limited to the search for a marriage partner. Both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons, and the singles themselves, involved) make inquiries about the prospective partner, e. g., on his/her character, intelligence, level of
learning, financial status, family and health status, appearance, and level of religious observance.
A ''shidduch'' often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends, or others who see matchmaking as a
mitzvah, or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually, a professional matchmaker is called a ''
shadchan'', but anyone who makes a ''shidduch'' is considered the ''shadchan'' for it.
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also, the age when ''shidduchim'' start may vary by community. In
frum
Frum ( yi, פֿרום, , religious', 'pious) is a word that describes Jewish religious devotion.
The term connotes the observance of Jewish religious law in a way that often exceeds its bare requirements. This not only includes the careful stud ...
circles, especially among
Hasidim
Ḥasīd ( he, חסיד, "pious", "saintly", "godly man"; plural "Hasidim") is a Jewish honorific, frequently used as a term of exceptional respect in the Talmudic and early medieval periods. It denotes a person who is scrupulous in his observ ...
,
eighteen is the age when ''shidduchim'' start and ''shadchanim'' take notice.
Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional
Judaism
Judaism ( he, ''Yahăḏūṯ'') is an Abrahamic, monotheistic, and ethnic religion comprising the collective religious, cultural, and legal tradition and civilization of the Jewish people. It has its roots as an organized religion in t ...
's outlook on ''
Tzniut
''Tzniut'' ( he, צניעות , , ; " modesty" or " privacy"; ) describes both the character trait of modesty and discretion, as well as a group of Jewish laws pertaining to conduct. The concept is most important within Orthodox Judaism.
D ...
'', modest behaviour in relations between men and women,
[ and prevents promiscuity. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.
If the shidduch does not succeed, the shadchan is usually contacted, and it is he/she that tells the other side that the arrangement will not be going ahead. If the shidduch is successful, the couple informs the shadchan of its success.
In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the ]Internet
The Internet (or internet) is the global system of interconnected computer networks that uses the Internet protocol suite (TCP/IP) to communicate between networks and devices. It is a '' network of networks'' that consists of private, pub ...
.
Bashow
The prospective partners either date each other, or, in stricter Haredi
Haredi Judaism ( he, ', ; also spelled ''Charedi'' in English; plural ''Haredim'' or ''Charedim'') consists of groups within Orthodox Judaism that are characterized by their strict adherence to ''halakha'' (Jewish law) and traditions, in oppos ...
communities, they go to a "bashow", or sit-in.[They
don't "go out". ] The practice has been called "a chaperoned quasi-date".
A typical ''bashow'' scene is that the young man, with his parents, goes to see the young woman in her house (or that of someone hosting),[ to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then, when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak among themselves. Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from the ''shadchen'' or from other people. The number of ''bashow''s prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have many ''bashow''s, while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children of Hasidic ]Rebbe
A Rebbe ( yi, רבי, translit=rebe) or Admor ( he, אדמו״ר) is the spiritual leader in the Hasidic movement, and the personalities of its dynasties.Heilman, Samuel"The Rebbe and the Resurgence of Orthodox Judaism."''Religion and Spiritua ...
s.
Bashert
''Bashert'' (or ''beshert''; Yiddish
Yiddish (, or , ''yidish'' or ''idish'', , ; , ''Yidish-Taytsh'', ) is a West Germanic language historically spoken by Ashkenazi Jews. It originated during the 9th century in Central Europe, providing the nascent Ashkenazi community with a ve ...
: ) means "destiny". The etymology of the word is somewhat unknown. with some arguing that it comes from the German ''beschert'' (meaning "bestowed" or "given"). Others insist that it comes from the Yiddish ''sher'' (meaning "scissors" or "shears"). It is often used to refer to one's divinely foreordained spouse or soulmate
A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.
D ...
, who is called one's ''basherte'' (female) or ''basherter'' (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their ''bashert'', meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it is considered to have been Heavenly foreordained whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's ''bashert'' by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.
Zivug
A somewhat related word is ''zivug''. The word includes the letters for the Hebrew word ''zug'', pair; the transliteration subsets/matches too. God has pleasure also with the Yichudim
Yichudim (Hebrew: "Unifications") is a specific form of Jewish meditation in Kabbalistic Jewish mysticism, especially denoting the complete meditative method developed by Isaac Luria (1534–1572). The term Yichud is found in Halakha (Jewish law), ...
of Jewish couple: ''Shekhinah
Shekhinah, also spelled Shechinah ( Hebrew: שְׁכִינָה ''Šəḵīnā'', Tiberian: ''Šăḵīnā'') is the English transliteration of a Hebrew word meaning "dwelling" or "settling" and denotes the presence of God, as it were, in a pla ...
is present with union ... the "wedding
A wedding is a ceremony where two people are united in marriage. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Most wedding ceremonies involve an exchange of marriage vo ...
"''. All desire may be for God, and ''all pleasures come from "divine spiritual source"''.
Biblical matchmaking
The first recorded ''shidduch'' in the Torah was the match that Eliezer
Eliezer (, "Help/Court of El") was the name of at least three different individuals in the Bible.
Eliezer of Damascus
Eliezer of Damascus () was, according to the Targums, the son of Nimrod. Eliezer was head of the patriarch Abraham's house ...
, the servant of the Jewish patriarch Abraham
Abraham, ; ar, , , name=, group= (originally Abram) is the common Hebrew patriarch of the Abrahamic religions, including Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. In Judaism, he is the founding father of the special relationship between the Je ...
, made for his master's son Isaac
Isaac; grc, Ἰσαάκ, Isaák; ar, إسحٰق/إسحاق, Isḥāq; am, ይስሐቅ is one of the three patriarchs of the Israelites and an important figure in the Abrahamic religions, including Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. He was th ...
(Genesis
Genesis may refer to:
Bible
* Book of Genesis, the first book of the biblical scriptures of both Judaism and Christianity, describing the creation of the Earth and of mankind
* Genesis creation narrative, the first several chapters of the Book of ...
Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, Rebekah
Rebecca, ; Syriac: , ) from the Hebrew (lit., 'connection'), from Semitic root , 'to tie, couple or join', 'to secure', or 'to snare') () appears in the Hebrew Bible as the wife of Isaac and the mother of Jacob and Esau. According to biblical ...
appeared on the scene, and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family, and appealed to them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in Canaan
Canaan (; Phoenician: 𐤊𐤍𐤏𐤍 – ; he, כְּנַעַן – , in pausa – ; grc-bib, Χανααν – ;The current scholarly edition of the Greek Old Testament spells the word without any accents, cf. Septuaginta : id est Vetus T ...
, he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (''i. e.'', Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision - it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match of Jacob
Jacob (; ; ar, يَعْقُوب, Yaʿqūb; gr, Ἰακώβ, Iakṓb), later given the name Israel, is regarded as a patriarch of the Israelites and is an important figure in Abrahamic religions, such as Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. J ...
and Leah
Leah ''La'ya;'' from (; ) appears in the Hebrew Bible as one of the two wives of the Biblical patriarch Jacob. Leah was Jacob's first wife, and the older sister of his second (and favored) wife Rachel. She is the mother of Jacob's first son ...
).
Talmudic references
The Talmud
The Talmud (; he, , Talmūḏ) is the central text of Rabbinic Judaism and the primary source of Jewish religious law ('' halakha'') and Jewish theology. Until the advent of modernity, in nearly all Jewish communities, the Talmud was the ce ...
(Bavli Kiddushin 12a, first version) states that academy head Abba Arikha
Abba Arikha (175–247 CE; Jewish Babylonian Aramaic: ; born: ''Rav Abba bar Aybo'', ), commonly known as Rav (), was a Jewish amora of the 3rd century. He was born and lived in Kafri, Asoristan, in the Sasanian Empire.
Abba Arikha establis ...
would give corporal punishment to a man who would marry without ''shidduchin'', that is, without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of his practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version, while others rule according to the other two versions.
In Kiddushin 41a, it states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate "love your neighbour as yourself".
The etymology
Etymology ()The New Oxford Dictionary of English (1998) – p. 633 "Etymology /ˌɛtɪˈmɒlədʒi/ the study of the class in words and the way their meanings have changed throughout time". is the study of the history of the Phonological chan ...
of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The medieval rabbi
A rabbi () is a spiritual leader or religious teacher in Judaism. One becomes a rabbi by being ordained by another rabbi – known as ''semikha'' – following a course of study of Jewish history and texts such as the Talmud. The basic form of ...
Nissim of Gerona
Nissim ben Reuven (1320 – 9th of Shevat, 1376, he, נִסִּים בֶּן רְאוּבֵן) of Girona, Catalonia was an influential talmudist and authority on Jewish law. He was one of the last of the great Spanish medieval Talmudic scholars. ...
(commonly called ''Ran'') traces it to the Aramaic
The Aramaic languages, short Aramaic ( syc, ܐܪܡܝܐ, Arāmāyā; oar, 𐤀𐤓𐤌𐤉𐤀; arc, 𐡀𐡓𐡌𐡉𐡀; tmr, אֲרָמִית), are a language family containing many varieties (languages and dialects) that originated in ...
word for "calm" (cf. Targum
A targum ( arc, תרגום 'interpretation, translation, version') was an originally spoken translation of the Hebrew Bible (also called the ''Tanakh'') that a professional translator ( ''mǝturgǝmān'') would give in the common language of the ...
to the Book of Judges
The Book of Judges (, ') is the seventh book of the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Old Testament. In the narrative of the Hebrew Bible, it covers the time between the conquest described in the Book of Joshua and the establishment of a kingdom ...
5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the ''shidduch'' process is for young people to "''settle down''" into marriage. According to Jastrow, the word means to "negotiate" or "stipulate" (the financial terms of a betrothal).
Shadchan
(, plural / , female / ) is a Hebrew
Hebrew (; ; ) is a Northwest Semitic language of the Afroasiatic language family. Historically, it is one of the spoken languages of the Israelites and their longest-surviving descendants, the Jews and Samaritans. It was largely preserved ...
word for matchmaker;[ Yiddish: Shadkhn.
The word refers to people who carry out as a profession within the religious Jewish community.][ However, can also be used to refer to anyone][ who introduces two single Jews to one another with the hope that they will form a couple.
One of the characters in the musical '' Fiddler on the Roof'' is a matchmaker named Yente. Because of this, the name () is sometimes mistakenly taken to be a synonym for .]
Shadchanus gelt
() is the money ( yi, געלט, ) paid to the party/parties who brokered a successful pairing. It is a brokerage fee, not a gift, and can't be paid from funds intended for charity ( ). Usually it is paid by the parents, and it is common that each pays an equal amount.
Bat-Kohen
Although Torah law allows for a bat-kohen
A bat-kohen or bat kohen ( he, בת כהן) is the daughter of a kohen (Jewish priest), who holds a special status which is governed by special regulations in the Hebrew Bible and rabbinical texts.
In rabbinical literature the bat kohen is consi ...
to marry a ''challal'', convert, or freed slave (Hebrew ''eved meshukhrar''), the Midrash and Talmud cite Johanan bar Nappaha
:''See Johanan (name) for more rabbis by this name''.
Johanan bar Nappaha ( he, יוחנן בר נפחא Yoḥanan bar Nafḥa; alt. sp. Napaḥa) (also known simply as Rabbi Yochanan, or as Johanan bar Nafcha) (lived 180-279 CE) was a leading r ...
's view that a daughter of the kohen is best off marrying a kohen. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that in the event a ''bat-kohen'' marries a non-Kohen, undesired results for the groom are likely to surface, such as poverty or the demise of the groom. An exception to this taboo is if the groom is a ''Talmid Chacham
''Talmid Chakham'' is an honorific title which is given to a man who is well versed in Jewish law, i. e., a Torah scholar. Originally he, תלמיד חכמים ''Talmid Chakhamim'', lit., "student of sages", pl. תלמידי חכמים ''talmid ...
''.
Medical aspects
Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic disease
A genetic disorder is a health problem caused by one or more abnormalities in the genome. It can be caused by a mutation in a single gene (monogenic) or multiple genes (polygenic) or by a chromosomal abnormality. Although polygenic disorders ...
s in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi
Sephardic (or Sephardi) Jews (, ; lad, Djudíos Sefardíes), also ''Sepharadim'' , Modern Hebrew: ''Sfaradim'', Tiberian: Səp̄āraddîm, also , ''Ye'hude Sepharad'', lit. "The Jews of Spain", es, Judíos sefardíes (or ), pt, Judeus sefa ...
communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim
Dor Yeshorim ( he, דור ישרים) also called Committee for Prevention of Jewish Genetic Diseases, is a nonprofit organization that offers genetic screening to members of the Jewish community worldwide. Its objective is to minimize, and eventu ...
) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a ''shidduch'' is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although the implementation has been controversial, there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born with Tay–Sachs disease
Tay–Sachs disease is a genetic disorder that results in the destruction of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. The most common form is infantile Tay–Sachs disease, which becomes apparent around three to six months of age, with the baby ...
and other genetic disorders since its inception.[Leiman, Yehoshua. "Yosef Eckstein - Trailblazer in Genetics for the Jewish World and Beyond". Personal Glimpses, supplement to Hamodia, Pesach 5766 (April 2006), page 24-27.]
See also
* Jewish views on marriage
Marriage in Judaism is the documentation of a contract between a Jewish man and a Jewish woman in which God is involved. In Judaism, a marriage can end either because of a divorce document given by the man to his wife, or by the death of eit ...
* Jewish wedding
A Jewish wedding is a wedding ceremony that follows Jewish laws and traditions. While wedding ceremonies vary, common features of a Jewish wedding include a ''ketubah'' (marriage contract) which is signed by two witnesses, a ''chuppah'' or ''hu ...
* Negiah
''Negiah'' ( he, נגיעה), literally "touch", is the concept in Jewish law (Halakha) that forbids or restricts sensual physical contact with a member of the opposite sex except for one's spouse, outside the niddah period, and certain close rela ...
(guidelines for physical contact)
* Niddah
Niddah (or nidah; he, נִדָּה), in traditional Judaism, describes a woman who has experienced a uterine discharge of blood (most commonly during menstruation), or a woman who has menstruated and not yet completed the associated requirem ...
(menstruation laws)
* Segula (Kabbalah)
A segula ( he, סגולה, pl. סגולות, ''segulot'', "remedy" or "protection") is protective or benevolent spell (paranormal), charm or ritual in Kabbalah, Kabbalistic and Talmudic tradition.
Etymology
The word ''segula'' appears in the Heb ...
* Shidduch crisis
The shidduch crisis is a commonly observed and discussed phenomenon in the Orthodox Jewish community whereby eligible single persons, especially women or Sephardim, have difficulty finding a suitable spouse, or a shidduch. Debate exists as to wheth ...
* Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
* Yichud
In Jewish religious law (''halakha''), the laws of ''yichud'' ( he, איסור ייחוד ''issur yichud'', ''prohibition of seclusion'') prohibit seclusion in a private area of a man and a woman who are not married to each other. Such seclusio ...
(prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)
References
Books
* Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. .
* Leah Jacobs, Shaindy Mark. "Shidduch Secrets". Shaar Press, 2006. .
{{Women in Judaism
Dating
Intimate relationships
Jewish culture
Jewish life cycle
Jewish marital law
Matchmaking
Yiddish words and phrases
Aramaic words and phrases in Jewish law
Hebrew words and phrases