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The following is a list of regularly appearing mini-sections appearing in the British satirical magazine ''
Private Eye ''Private Eye'' is a British fortnightly satire, satirical and current affairs (news format), current affairs news magazine, founded in 1961. It is published in London and has been edited by Ian Hislop since 1986. The publication is widely r ...
''. These are mostly based on clippings from newspapers sent in by readers, often for a cash fee.


Birtspeak 2.0

A column giving examples of especially convoluted and impenetrable jargon from the BBC. Named after former
Director-General of the BBC The director-general of the British Broadcasting Corporation is chief executive and (from 1994) editor-in-chief of the BBC. The position was formerly appointed by the Board of Governors of the BBC (for the period of 1927 to 2007) and then the ...
John Birt John Birt, Baron Birt (born 10 December 1944) is a British television executive and businessman. He is a former Director-General (1992–2000) of the BBC. After a successful career in commercial television, initially at Granada Television an ...
, who was particularly associated with that kind of language. Following his departure, extracts are almost always taken from BBC job adverts or press releases announcing senior BBC appointments. The column features an illustration of a
Dalek The Daleks ( ) are a fictional extraterrestrial race of mutants principally portrayed in the British science fiction television programme ''Doctor Who''. They were conceived by writer Terry Nation and first appeared in the 1963 ''Doctor Who'' ...
, a reference to
Dennis Potter Dennis Christopher George Potter (17 May 1935 – 7 June 1994) was an English television dramatist, screenwriter and journalist. He is best known for his BBC television serials '' Pennies from Heaven'' (1978), ''The Singing Detective'' (198 ...
's 1993 James MacTaggart Memorial lecture where he described Birt (alongside
Marmaduke Hussey Marmaduke James Hussey, Baron Hussey of North Bradley (29 August 1923 – 27 December 2006), known as Duke Hussey, was Chairman of the Board of Governors of the BBC from 1986 to 1996, serving two terms in that role. Education and career The so ...
) as a "croak-voiced Dalek".


Commentatorballs

A collection of gaffes from radio and TV perpetrated by sports commentators and sportsmen, featuring inconsistencies, mixed metaphors, or otherwise ludicrous statements, such as "he's missed the goal by literally a million miles" or "if they played like this every week they wouldn't be so inconsistent". This feature was originally called Colemanballs and specialised in quotes from British sports commentator
David Coleman David Robert Coleman OBE (26 April 1926 – 21 December 2013) was a British sports commentator and television presenter who worked for the BBC for 46 years. He covered eleven Summer Olympic Games from 1960 to 2000 and six FIFA World Cups from ...
, but expanded to quotes from others, notably including
Murray Walker Graeme Murray Walker (10 October 1923 – 13 March 2021) was an English motorsport commentator and journalist. He provided television commentary of live Formula One coverage for the BBC between 1976 and 1996, and for ITV between 1997 and 2001 ...
. The name of this feature has since spawned derivative collections such as "Warballs" (spurious references to the
September 11 attacks The September 11 attacks, commonly known as 9/11, were four coordinated suicide terrorist attacks carried out by al-Qaeda against the United States on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. That morning, nineteen terrorists hijacked four commercia ...
), "Dianaballs" (unduly sentimental references to
Diana, Princess of Wales Diana, Princess of Wales (born Diana Frances Spencer; 1 July 1961 – 31 August 1997) was a member of the British royal family. She was the first wife of King Charles III (then Prince of Wales) and mother of Princes William and Harry. Her ac ...
). Any other subject can be covered, as long as it is appropriately suffixed by -balls, such as '' Tsunamiballs''.


Dumb Britain

Bizarre, ignorant or otherwise humorous answers to questions given by contestants on British television and radio quiz shows, compiled by
Marcus Berkmann Marcus Berkmann (born 14 July 1960) is a journalist and author. Life Berkmann was educated at Highgate School and Worcester College, Oxford. His younger brother is the DJ Justin Berkmann. He began his career as a freelance journalist, contribut ...
. Occasionally, Dumb America, Dumb Ireland, Dumb Australia and other countries are also featured.


Eye Spy

Pictures sent in by readers showing contradictory, ironic, amusing, scatological, or otherwise amusing images. For example, a temporary "
Polling Station A polling place is where voters cast their ballots in elections. The phrase polling station is also used in American English and British English, although polling place is the building
" sign situated next to a "Do not sit on the fence" notice, and an Indonesian restaurant named "Caffe Bog".


Going Live

Highlighting the often unnecessary use by rolling news programmes of outside broadcasts, where reporters speak to camera simply as an alternative to broadcasting a studio-based commentary, even if they have no new insight to offer from the scene.


Harsh Words

An occasional series devoted to unusual callousness in public, such as a former neighbour of
Jill Dando Jill Wendy Dando (9 November 1961 – 26 April 1999) was an English journalist, television presenter and newsreader. She spent most of her career at the BBC and was the corporation's Personality of the Year in 1997. At the time of her death, her ...
remarking that, "the shooting left a horrible atmosphere here for a while. It made you aware of all the terrible things that go on. But I don't think it has affected house prices."


Just Fancy That!

A spot highlighting contradictions or hypocrisy in pairs of statements from individuals or newspapers.


Lookalikes

The letters page usually features a submission comparing two famous individuals who look alike; frequently the two have an ironic connection too which is pointed out by the reader who submits the piece. The captions relating to the two individuals are invariably swapped around, implying that even the magazine cannot tell which individual is which. The sender often finishes with the phrase "might they perhaps be related?" and/or "I think we should be told." This feature was copied by the
American American(s) may refer to: * American, something of, from, or related to the United States of America, commonly known as the "United States" or "America" ** Americans, citizens and nationals of the United States of America ** American ancestry, pe ...
''
Spy Espionage, spying, or intelligence gathering is the act of obtaining secret or confidential information (intelligence) from non-disclosed sources or divulging of the same without the permission of the holder of the information for a tangib ...
'' magazine in its "Separated at Birth?" section. On one occasion,
Robert Maxwell Ian Robert Maxwell (born Ján Ludvík Hyman Binyamin Hoch; 10 June 1923 – 5 November 1991) was a Czechoslovak-born British media proprietor, member of parliament (MP), suspected spy, and fraudster. Early in his life, Maxwell escaped from N ...
successfully sued the ''Eye'' for printing a made-up letter 'lookaliking' him with one of the
Kray twins Ronald Kray (24 October 193317 March 1995) and Reginald Kray (24 October 19331 October 2000) were identical twin brothers, gangsters and convicted criminals. They were the foremost perpetrators of organised crime in the East End of London, Engl ...
. Although the comparison was deemed an artistic interpretation and not amenable at law, the facts that (a) the letter had been composed by
Richard Ingrams Richard Reid Ingrams (born 19 August 1937 in Chelsea, London, Chelsea, London) is an English journalist, a co-founder and second editor of the British satire, satirical magazine ''Private Eye (magazine), Private Eye'', and founding editor of ' ...
and (b) that the magazine often hinted (correctly, as it turned out) that Maxwell was a crook, were taken as proof of defamatory intent.


Luvvies

Reader-submitted feature listing humorously pretentious quotations from
actor An actor or actress is a person who portrays a character in a performance. The actor performs "in the flesh" in the traditional medium of the theatre or in modern media such as film, radio, and television. The analogous Greek term is (), li ...
s and other theatrical celebrities. The term "luvvie" pre-dates the magazine as a derogatory noun for pretentious, overblown,
narcissistic Narcissism is a self-centered personality style characterized as having an excessive interest in one's physical appearance or image and an excessive preoccupation with one's own needs, often at the expense of others. Narcissism exists on a co ...
people of an artistic or dramatic bent. The column was briefly renamed Trevvies for several issues in the mid-1990s after
Trevor Nunn Sir Trevor Robert Nunn (born 14 January 1940) is a British theatre director. He has been the Artistic Director for the Royal Shakespeare Company, the Royal National Theatre, and, currently, the Theatre Royal, Haymarket. He has directed dramas f ...
described use of the term as offensive “as calling a black man a ‘nigger’”.


The Neophiliacs

Examples of journalists employing the
cliché A cliché ( or ) is an element of an artistic work, saying, or idea that has become overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, even to the point of being weird or irritating, especially when at some earlier time it was consi ...
"x is the new y", e.g. "Black is the new brown" or "Basel is the new St Tropez". Even after a recent trend for certain journalists to preface their remarks with "At the risk of appearing in ''
Private Eye ''Private Eye'' is a British fortnightly satire, satirical and current affairs (news format), current affairs news magazine, founded in 1961. It is published in London and has been edited by Ian Hislop since 1986. The publication is widely r ...
''...", remarks of this kind have not prevented many such journalists from receiving entries in the column, and
Ian Hislop Ian David Hislop (born 13 July 1960) is a British journalist, satirist, writer, broadcaster, and editor of the magazine ''Private Eye''. He has appeared on numerous radio and television programmes and has been a team captain on the BBC quiz show ...
, editor of the ''Eye'', was quoted himself in one issue.


Newspaper misprints

Quoting amusing misprints from newspapers or unintentionally funny examples of journalism, this section appears throughout the magazine. These often feature misprinted TV guides, such as a programme called "It Came from Outer Space" being illustrated by a picture of
David Cameron David William Donald Cameron (born 9 October 1966) is a British former politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 2010 to 2016 and Leader of the Conservative Party from 2005 to 2016. He previously served as Leader o ...
speaking in the House of Commons. Frequent inclusion in this section gave ''
The Guardian ''The Guardian'' is a British daily newspaper. It was founded in 1821 as ''The Manchester Guardian'', and changed its name in 1959. Along with its sister papers ''The Observer'' and ''The Guardian Weekly'', ''The Guardian'' is part of the Gu ...
'' a reputation for common typographical errors, earning it the nickname ''The Grauniad''. The domains www.grauniad.com and www.grauniad.co.uk redirect to ''The Guardians website at www.theguardian.com.


Number Crunching

Comparing numerical figures relating to a current event with others that make the event seem comical, bizarre, irrelevant or despicable.


Ongoing situations

Subtitled "with meaningful and viable scenarios at this moment in time". Recording the nonsense rampant in "on the spot" interviews beginning in the 1970s, as television news coverage went live outside the studio, leading to unrehearsed speeches which naturally tended toward currently fashionable clichés (for example, instead of "there is a siege", "we have an ongoing siege situation").


Order Of The Brown Nose (O.B.N.)

Highlighting the behaviour of those who have allegedly been sycophantic to those in authority, particularly in media and politics, such as Phil Hall, former editor of the ''
News of the World The ''News of the World'' was a weekly national Tabloid journalism#Red tops, red top Tabloid (newspaper format), tabloid newspaper published every Sunday in the United Kingdom from 1843 to 2011. It was at one time the world's highest-selling En ...
'' (owned by
Rupert Murdoch Keith Rupert Murdoch ( ; born 11 March 1931) is an Australian-born American business magnate. Through his company News Corp, he is the owner of hundreds of local, national, and international publishing outlets around the world, including ...
) declaring Rupert Murdoch "the world's greatest living journalist."


Pedantry Corner

A sub-section of the letters page devoted to pedantic corrections of or additions to previous articles or readers' letters. Under its previous title, 'Pedants Corner', this included several letters on the use of the
apostrophe The apostrophe ( or ) is a punctuation mark, and sometimes a diacritical mark, in languages that use the Latin alphabet and some other alphabets. In English, the apostrophe is used for two basic purposes: * The marking of the omission of one o ...
in "Pedants'", which has variously appeared as "Pedants", "Pedant's" or "Ped'ants Corner". It was renamed "Pedantry Corner" in 2008 following a reader’s suggestion.


Pseuds Corner

Listing pretentious, pseudo-intellectual quotations from the media. At various times different columnists have been frequent entrants, with varied reactions. In the 1970s, Pamela Vandyke Price, a ''
Sunday Times ''The Sunday Times'' is a British newspaper whose circulation makes it the largest in Britain's quality press market category. It was founded in 1821 as ''The New Observer''. It is published by Times Newspapers Ltd, a subsidiary of News UK, whi ...
'' wine columnist, wrote to the magazine complaining that "every time I describe a wine as anything other than red or white, dry or wet, I wind up in ''Pseud's Corner''".Pamela Vandyke Price: Wine expert whose acerbic writing scorned supermarket brands in favour of independent and traditional makers
'
The Independent ''The Independent'' is a British online newspaper. It was established in 1986 as a national morning printed paper. Nicknamed the ''Indy'', it began as a broadsheet and changed to tabloid format in 2003. The last printed edition was publis ...
'', 18 February 2014


Solutions

Instances of companies adopting an unimaginative
buzzword A buzzword is a word or phrase, new or already existing, that becomes popular for a period of time. Buzzwords often derive from technical terms yet often have much of the original technical meaning removed through fashionable use, being simply used ...
by claiming to provide 'solutions' where a simpler phrasing would seem more appropriate, such as describing
cardboard box Cardboard boxes are industrially prefabricated boxes, primarily used for packaging goods and materials. Specialists in industry seldom use the term cardboard because it does not denote a specific material. The term ''cardboard'' may refer to a va ...
es as "Christmas Ornament Storage Solutions".


References

{{DEFAULTSORT:List Of Regular Mini-Sections In Private Eye Private Eye
Private Eye ''Private Eye'' is a British fortnightly satire, satirical and current affairs (news format), current affairs news magazine, founded in 1961. It is published in London and has been edited by Ian Hislop since 1986. The publication is widely r ...
Criticism of journalism