''Phaic Tăn'' (subtitled ''Sunstroke on a Shoestring'') is a 2004 parody travel guidebook examining

imaginary country A fictional country is a country that is made up for fictional stories, and does not exist in real life, or one that people believe in without proof. Sailors have always mistaken low clouds for land masses, and in later times this was given ...

Phaic Tăn. The book was written by Australians

Tom Gleisner Thomas Edmund Gleisner (born 24 October 1962) is an Australian comedian, television presenter, producer, director, writer, occasional actor and author. Gleisner currently hosts Network 10's ''Have You Been Paying Attention?''. Early life and ...

, Santo Cilauro, and Rob Sitch. Along with the other Jetlag Travel volumes, 2003's ''

Molvanîa ''Molvanîa'' (subtitled ''A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry'') is a book parodying travel guidebooks. The guide describes the fictional country Molvanîa, a post-Soviet state, a nation described as "the birthplace of the whooping cough" and ...

'' and 2006's '' San Sombrèro'', the book parodies both the language of

heritage tourism Cultural heritage tourism (or just heritage tourism) is a branch of tourism oriented towards the cultural heritage of the location where tourism is occurring. The National Trust for Historic Preservation in the United States defines heritage t ...

and the legacy of

colonialism Colonialism is a practice or policy of control by one people or power over other people or areas, often by establishing colony, colonies and generally with the aim of economic dominance. In the process of colonisation, colonisers may impose the ...

and imperialism.

About Phaic Tăn

The Kingdom of Phaic Tăn is a composite creation of a number of stereotypes and clichés about South East Asian countries. Phaic Tăn is said to be situated in

Indochina Mainland Southeast Asia, also known as the Indochinese Peninsula or Indochina, is the continental portion of Southeast Asia. It lies east of the Indian subcontinent and south of Mainland China and is bordered by the Indian Ocean to the west an ...

. Place names in Phaic Tăn initially seem to be

Vietnamese Vietnamese may refer to: * Something of, from, or related to Vietnam, a country in Southeast Asia ** A citizen of Vietnam. See Demographics of Vietnam. * Vietnamese people, or Kinh people, a Southeast Asian ethnic group native to Vietnam ** Overse ...

or Thai, but they form English language

pun A pun, also known as paronomasia, is a form of word play that exploits multiple meanings of a term, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect. These ambiguities can arise from the intentional use of homophoni ...

s, hence the capital is called "Bumpattabumpah" ("bumper to bumper"). "Phaic Tăn" can be read as "Fake Tan". Also, the districts are the mountainous "Pha Phlung" ("far flung"), the infertile "Sukkondat" ("suck on that"), the hyper "Buhng Lunhg" ("bung lung"; Australian slang 'bung', meaning 'failed'), and the exotic "Thong On". The country was an ancient kingdom colonized by France, but was liberated in the early 20th century through student and communist uprisings. A Marxist dictatorship under Chau Quoc continued until his death in 1947, which prompted the country to launch into a lengthy

civil war A civil war or intrastate war is a war between organized groups within the same state (or country). The aim of one side may be to take control of the country or a region, to achieve independence for a region, or to change government policies ...

. Eventually a

CIA The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA ), known informally as the Agency and historically as the Company, is a civilian foreign intelligence service of the federal government of the United States, officially tasked with gathering, processing, ...

-backed coup ("Operation Freedom") made the country into a military dictatorship which it remains to this day. The country has a popular royal family, though the current king has been deposed no fewer than 25 times. Like ''

'', the humour of the book comes from the guide's attempts to present Phaic Tăn as an attractive, enjoyable country when it is really little more than a squalid, third-world dump. The country is frequently plagued by

monsoon A monsoon () is traditionally a seasonal reversing wind accompanied by corresponding changes in precipitation but is now used to describe seasonal changes in atmospheric circulation and precipitation associated with annual latitudinal osci ...

s and

earthquake An earthquake (also known as a quake, tremor or temblor) is the shaking of the surface of the Earth resulting from a sudden release of energy in the Earth's lithosphere that creates seismic waves. Earthquakes can range in intensity, fr ...

s and many armed militia groups still patrol the streets. The Phaic Tăn people are presented to be extremely superstitious, and obsessed with the concept of luck. The index of the book contains a list of almost 600 numbers the Phaic Tănese consider lucky, plus two considered unlucky (3 and 6). Turning left while driving is also considered unlucky, which causes a lot of traffic problems. Also unlucky is asking for a non-exotic massage, having more than 5 holes in Quic Pot, and to lose a lottery. The current king is Sukhimbol Tralanhng III, ninth king of the Angit dynasty. King Falanhng prides himself on being something of a musician and composer. In fact, the country's national anthem was actually written by him and whenever it is played Phaic Tănese will immediately stand and place one hand over each ear. His wife is the very overweight Suahm Luprang, his crown prince is the perverted Ferduk, his daughter is the also overweight (and embarrassed) Buk Phang, and his youngest son is Luat the Brooding, who was arrested for misusing a gun.

Geography and provinces

According to the book, Phaic Tăn is a country situated in

South-east Asia Southeast Asia, also spelled South East Asia and South-East Asia, and also known as Southeastern Asia, South-eastern Asia or SEA, is the geographical south-eastern region of Asia, consisting of the regions that are situated south of mainland ...

. It is shown in the book's map as being bounded to the south by the Lhong Chuk Sea and the Pong and Kut Rivers to the north and east respectively. Phaic Tăn is depicted as being roughly 650 kilometres abroad from east–west at its broadest point and the same distance from its far geographical north-east tip to the Pong Delta in the country's south-east. The country is divided by several rivers, including the Sirikan, Upper Kut and the Nahkthong. The country's major rivers are the Pong and Nahkthong, which both finish in the Pong and Nahkthong

Delta Delta commonly refers to: * Delta (letter) (Δ or δ), a letter of the Greek alphabet * River delta, at a river mouth * D ( NATO phonetic alphabet: "Delta") * Delta Air Lines, US * Delta variant of SARS-CoV-2 that causes COVID-19 Delta may also ...

s respectively. Phaic Tăn is made up of four

province A province is almost always an administrative division within a country or state. The term derives from the ancient Roman '' provincia'', which was the major territorial and administrative unit of the Roman Empire's territorial possessions ou ...

s (going in order clockwise), Sukkondat, Pha Phlung, Buhng Lung and Thong On. The provinces are connected by roads, but not by rail, as rail gauges vary throughout the country and sometimes even on the same line. In one page the country's location is contradicted from being in Indochina to being between

North North is one of the four compass points or cardinal directions. It is the opposite of south and is perpendicular to east and west. ''North'' is a noun, adjective, or adverb indicating direction or geography. Etymology The word ''north ...

and

South Korea South Korea, officially the Republic of Korea (ROK), is a country in East Asia, constituting the southern part of the Korean Peninsula and sharing a land border with North Korea. Its western border is formed by the Yellow Sea, while its eas ...

Bumpattabumpah

The

capital city A capital city or capital is the municipality holding primary status in a country, state, province, department, or other subnational entity, usually as its seat of the government. A capital is typically a city that physically encompasses t ...

of Phaic Tăn is Bumpattabumpah, which is situated in Buhng Lung in a roughly central position on the Pong River and at the west end of the Upper Kut River. Bumpattabumpah is Phaic Tăn's largest

city A city is a human settlement of notable size.Goodall, B. (1987) ''The Penguin Dictionary of Human Geography''. London: Penguin.Kuper, A. and Kuper, J., eds (1996) ''The Social Science Encyclopedia''. 2nd edition. London: Routledge. It can be def ...

, and presumably the most populous. According to the book, Bumpattabumpah means "water convergence" and refers to the fact that the city is situated where the country's main river, the Pong, meets untreated effluent from a

sewage treatment plant Sewage treatment (or domestic wastewater treatment, municipal wastewater treatment) is a type of wastewater treatment which aims to remove contaminants from sewage to produce an effluent that is suitable for discharge to the surrounding en ...

further upstream. Also, Bumpattabumpah was previously named "Phxux Xauan" but was changed because a survey revealed that less than 12% of the population were able to pronounce it. An in-book map of Bumpattabumpah shows the names of its suburbs, all English-language puns: Qic Phuk, Phlat Tiht and Dud Bhonk. Many of the names of the roads throughout the city are also English puns, as is the name of the city's and country's major airport, Phlat Chat Airport. High smog levels in the capital city mean that office blocks require no window tinting, a result of heavy amounts of

air pollution Air pollution is the contamination of air due to the presence of substances in the atmosphere that are harmful to the health of humans and other living beings, or cause damage to the climate or to materials. There are many different typ ...

. In 1997, developers announced plans to build the tallest office block in the world. Construction actually began but only a short while after the foundations were dug the

Asian economic crisis The Asian financial crisis was a period of financial crisis that gripped much of East Asia and Southeast Asia beginning in July 1997 and raised fears of a worldwide economic meltdown due to financial contagion. However, the recovery in 1998–1 ...

hit, meaning the project was completely shelved. Bumpattabumpah now boasts the largest unfenced hole in the world.

Sukkondat

Sukkondat is traditionally Phaic Tăn's poorest province, due to the infertility of its soil, lack of

natural resources Natural resources are resources that are drawn from nature and used with few modifications. This includes the sources of valued characteristics such as commercial and industrial use, aesthetic value, scientific interest and cultural value. ...

and high number of

casino A casino is a facility for certain types of gambling. Casinos are often built near or combined with hotels, resorts, restaurants, retail shopping, cruise ships, and other tourist attractions. Some casinos are also known for hosting live entertai ...

s. An agricultural province, farmers harvest

hay Hay is grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants that have been cut and dried to be stored for use as animal fodder, either for large grazing animals raised as livestock, such as cattle, horses, goats, and sheep, or for smaller domesticat ...

in order to camouflage their true primary crop, opium. The capital of the province is Sloh Phan, which is located about ninety kilometres north-east of Gunsa Wah, Phaic Tăn's tallest peak, at 2150 metres in height. Despite the fact that Sukkondat receives less than 2% of all visitors to Phaic Tăn every year, this statistic hasn't stopped its local Tourism Bureau from declaring the province 'the place to be'.

Pha Phlung

Pha Phlung in the country's northeast is mountainous and renowned for its

rainforests Rainforests are characterized by a closed and continuous tree canopy, moisture-dependent vegetation, the presence of epiphytes and lianas and the absence of wildfire. Rainforest can be classified as tropical rainforest or temperate rainforest ...

waterfalls A waterfall is a point in a river or stream where water flows over a vertical drop or a series of steep drops. Waterfalls also occur where meltwater drops over the edge of a tabular iceberg or ice shelf. Waterfalls can be formed in several w ...

and mud-slides. Pha Phlung is traditionally known as the 'Land Of A Thousand Tigers' and while actual numbers may be closer to seven (counting five in the Lom Buak Grand Circus), nature walks through Pha Phlung are an excellent way to see nature and wildlife up close. The capital of this wet and humid province is Nham Pong.

Buhng Lung

According to the book, Buhng Lung is a busy province where all car horns have cruise control, set to go off every ten seconds. The Pong Delta is located in the south-east of the Buhng Lung province. The capital city of Bumpattabumpah is located in the north of the province.

Thong On

Thong On is an exotic province of which Pattaponga, located on the coast of Kru Kut Bay, is the capital. The coast is composed of many beaches. Of particular note is Zou Kow Bow Beach, which is said to have the whitest sand of any beach in the world. The beach sand's whiteness was formed in the 1980s by the rare combination of global warming and a huge spill from a tanker carrying laundry bleach.

Flag

The Phaic Tănese flag has the design of a

ping-pong Table tennis, also known as ping-pong and whiff-whaff, is a sport in which two or four players hit a lightweight ball, also known as the ping-pong ball, back and forth across a table using small solid rackets. It takes place on a hard table div ...

(

table tennis Table tennis, also known as ping-pong and whiff-whaff, is a sport in which two or four players hit a lightweight ball, also known as the ping-pong ball, back and forth across a table using small solid rackets. It takes place on a hard table div ...

) table. It is known as the Phing Pong, and is noted to be the world's only hinged flag, which while unconventional, "makes flag-folding ceremonies easier".

Language

The Phaic Tănese language is a

tonal language Tone is the use of pitch in language to distinguish lexical or grammatical meaning – that is, to distinguish or to inflect words. All verbal languages use pitch to express emotional and other paralinguistic information and to convey emph ...

with four tones, sharing similarities with

Chinese Chinese can refer to: * Something related to China * Chinese people, people of Chinese nationality, citizenship, and/or ethnicity **''Zhonghua minzu'', the supra-ethnic concept of the Chinese nation ** List of ethnic groups in China, people of ...

. There is also a fifth tone emerging, but this tone is largely restricted to use by rappers. It is spoken with an average of 192 syllables per minute.

Pyangtru Yix Qaugen (Hospital of Hearts)

The Phaic Tăn website features a spoof

soap opera A soap opera, or ''soap'' for short, is a typically long-running radio or television serial, frequently characterized by melodrama, ensemble casts, and sentimentality. The term "soap opera" originated from radio dramas originally being sponsored ...

called ''Pyangtru Yix Qaugen'' (Hospital of Hearts), in which the characters (Doctor Lahbkot, 3-star General Kpow and his much younger millionairess wife) speak in what appears to be a dialect of

spoken in

Taiwan Taiwan, officially the Republic of China (ROC), is a country in East Asia, at the junction of the East and South China Seas in the northwestern Pacific Ocean, with the People's Republic of China (PRC) to the northwest, Japan to the nort ...

and parts of

Fujian Fujian (; alternately romanized as Fukien or Hokkien) is a province on the southeastern coast of China. Fujian is bordered by Zhejiang to the north, Jiangxi to the west, Guangdong to the south, and the Taiwan Strait to the east. Its cap ...

, Vietnamese and some heavily accented garbled sounds made to resemble

Korean Korean may refer to: People and culture * Koreans, ethnic group originating in the Korean Peninsula * Korean cuisine * Korean culture * Korean language **Korean alphabet, known as Hangul or Chosŏn'gŭl **Korean dialects and the Jeju language ** ...

, subtitled in a stilted form of English, with curious turns of phrase and

double entendre A double entendre (plural double entendres) is a figure of speech or a particular way of wording that is devised to have a double meaning, of which one is typically obvious, whereas the other often conveys a message that would be too socially ...

s. This is a parody of the English subtitles often encountered on

kung fu Chinese martial arts, often called by the umbrella terms kung fu (; ), kuoshu () or wushu (), are multiple fighting styles that have developed over the centuries in Greater China. These fighting styles are often classified according to commo ...

movies, or an attempt at

Engrish ''Engrish'' is a slang term for the inaccurate, nonsensical or ungrammatical use of the English language by native speakers of Japanese, as well as Chinese and other Asian languages. The word itself relates to Japanese speakers' tendency to ...

Other titles in the Jetlag Travel series

* ''

'' * '' San Sombrèro''

Fictional travel guides

This book advertises other (fictional) travel guides on the industrialized Costa del Pom (Iberia), Pfaffland (Scandinavia), unappetizing Gastronesia (South Asia), Sherpastan (the Himalayas), and Cartelombia (South America), as well as such specialized guides as ''Travel for Germans'', ''Family Vacations'', ''Cycling the World'', ''Hair Raising Drives'', ''Arduous Walks'', ''Travel for Seniors'', ''Tax Havens'', and ''Let's Go Game Hunting''. It also advertises its rather corrupt website.

References

External links

Official website for Phaic Tăn travels

Hospital of Hearts video

"Phaic Tăn, the final tourism frontier"
''New Zealand Herald'', February 16, 2005 {{DEFAULTSORT:Phaic Tan Fictional Asian countries 2004 books Australian books Travel guide books Australian travel books