''I Kissed Dating Goodbye'' is a 1997 book by Joshua Harris. The book focuses on Harris' disenchantment with the contemporary secular
dating
Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in which two individuals engage in an activity together, most often with the intention of evaluating each other's suitability as a partner in a future intimate relationship. It falls into the categor ...
scene, and offers ideas for improvement, alternative dating/courting practices, and a view that singleness need not be a burden nor characterized by what Harris describes as "selfishness".
By the late 2010s, Harris reconsidered his view that dating should be avoided, apologizing to those whose lives were negatively impacted by the book and directing the book's publisher to discontinue its publication.
Overview
In ''I Kissed Dating Goodbye'', Harris popularized the concept of "
courting
Courtship is the period wherein some couples get to know each other prior to a possible marriage. Courtship traditionally may begin after a betrothal and may conclude with the celebration of marriage. A courtship may be an informal and private m ...
" as an alternative to mainstream dating. In so doing, he raised discussion regarding the appropriateness of his proposed solutions, as well as the foundations on which he based his reasoning.
According to Harris, people in dating relationships put up a façade in an attempt to appear to be what the other person wants, thus hampering the "getting to know you" part of dating. Harris said that it is more appropriate and healthier in the long run to participate in "group dates" in order to truly understand the way a particular person interacts with others; in a group setting, a person is less likely to be able to maintain a façade. Harris proposed a system of courtship that involved the parents of both parties to a greater degree than is usual in conventional dating. In an interview with
Family Christian Stores
Family Christian (formerly called Zondervan Book Store, Family Book Stores, and Family Christian Stores) headquartered in Grand Rapids, Michigan is a Christian themed web retailer.
True Love Waits True Love Waits may refer to:
*True Love Waits (organization), an international Christian organization promoting sexual abstinence until marriage.
* True Love Waits (song), "True Love Waits" (song), a song by Radiohead
* True Love Waits (album), ''T ...
movement. The book has been characterized as portraying ideal young Christian women as 'sexually passive, emotional, and patient' and discouraging young Christian men from forming relationships with women.
Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend suggest that avoiding dating in order to avoid suffering, as Harris advises, causes those who do so to forgo opportunities to mature, especially through learning how to create healthy boundaries.
Retraction and apology by author
In 2016, Harris appeared to be reconsidering the claims that he had made in the book and apologized to several who publicly communicated how the book had influenced them to stay single or had been used by adults to impose stringent rules on them.
During a 2017 TED talk, Harris said his greatest regret about the book was him transferring his fears into the book. He said: "Fear is never a good motive. Fear of messing up, fear of getting your heart broken, fear of hurting somebody else, fear of sex... There are clear things in statements in Scripture about our sexuality being expressed within the covenant of marriage. But that doesn't mean that dating is somehow wrong or a certain way of dating is the only way to do things. I think that's where people get into danger. We have God's word, but then it's so easy to add all this other stuff to protect people, to control people, to make sure that you don't get anywhere near that place where you could go off course. And I think that's where the problems arise."
In 2018, faith-based film company Exploration Films teamed with Harris to release a documentary entitled ''I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye''. That same year, Harris stated that he reconsidered his view that dating should be avoided, apologizing to those whose lives were negatively impacted by the book and directing the book's publisher to discontinue its publication.
In July 2019, Harris announced on Instagram that he and his wife, Shannon, were separating due to "significant changes
hat
A hat is a head covering which is worn for various reasons, including protection against weather conditions, ceremonial reasons such as university graduation, religious reasons, safety, or as a fashion accessory. Hats which incorporate mecha ...
have taken place in both of us". Later that month, Harris announced that he was no longer a Christian. In August, Exploration Films announced they would halt distribution of ''I Survived'', citing a lack of transparency from Harris after working with him for months. The company returned the rights back to director Jessica van der Wyngaard.