Demisexuality

Demisexuality is a term in which an individual does not experience primary sexual attraction – the type of attraction that is based on immediately observable characteristics such as appearance or smell and is experienced immediately after a first encounter. They can only experience secondary sexual attraction – the type of attraction that happens after knowing someone for a while. The amount of time that a demisexual individual needs to know another person before developing sexual attraction towards them varies from person to person. It is generally categorised on the asexuality spectrum.

History

The term was coined on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network Forums in February 2006. Based on the theory that allosexuals experience both primary and secondary sexual attraction and asexuals do not experience either, the term ''demisexuals'' was proposed for people who experience one without the other.

Demisexuality, as a component of the asexuality spectrum, is included in queer activist communities such as GLAAD and The Trevor Project, and itself has finer divisions.

Post-doctorate research on the subject has been done since at least 2013, and podcasts and social media have also raised public awareness of the sexual orientation. Some public figures, such as Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo, who have come out as demisexual have also raised awareness, though they typically face some degree of ridicule for their sexuality.
The word gained entry to the Oxford English Dictionary in March 2022, with its earliest usage (as a noun) dating to 2006.

Definition

A common general definition of demisexuality states that "demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close/strong emotional bond with them". This definition of demisexuality has been criticized, as demisexuals are capable of developing sexual attraction towards people they do not have a close bond with and even towards people they do not personally know.

This means sexual attraction for demisexuals can be one-sided and not necessarily forming from a bond they share with another person.

How much demisexuals need to know about a person before they feel sexually attracted to them varies from person to person. There is no specific timeline on how long it takes either. There is also no way to determine what qualifies as a close or strong bond, which causes confusion.

Demisexuals can enjoy a person's presence or be attracted to some of their qualities without having an interest in dating them or building a romantic relationship with them.

Primary vs. secondary sexual attraction model

*Primary sexual attraction: a sexual attraction towards people based on the instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell). Primary sexual attraction is characterized by being experienced at first sight.
*Secondary sexual attraction: a sexual attraction towards people based on information that is not instantly available (such as personality, life experiences, talents, etc.); how much a person needs to know about the other and for how long they need to know about them before secondary sexual attraction develops, varies from person to person.

After secondary sexual attraction is developed, demisexuals are not only aroused by personality traits. They also may or may not experience arousal or desire based on the physical traits of the persons they already experience secondary sexual attraction towards.

Common misconceptions and sexual activities

A common misconception is that demisexual individuals cannot engage in casual sex. It is important to note that being demisexual refers to how an individual experiences sexual attraction, it is not stating a choice or an action, but is describing a feeling. While it is common for demisexuals not to desire sex without feeling sexually attracted to the other person, it is not a rule individuals have to fall into to be considered demisexual. Demisexuals can choose if they want to engage in casual sex even without experiencing sexual attraction towards said person.

Another common misconception is that demisexuals disregard people's physical appearance. This confusion stems from the fact that demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction based on instantly available information, such as appearance. However, demisexuals do experience aesthetic attraction and can have an aesthetic preference. An aesthetic attraction is an attraction to another person's appearance that is not connected to any sexual or romantic desire; it is so called because of similarity to other aesthetic desires.

While it is common for demisexuals not to give much importance to appearances when choosing a partner, it is not a rule individuals have to fall into to be considered demisexual.

It is also a myth that demisexuality is a sign of low sex drive. Once demisexual people are in a sexual relationship, they have varying levels of sex drive. Demisexuality only refers to the type of attraction that person feels, not how often they have sex.

Demisexuality also is not related to a moral or religious belief about sex. It is a sexual orientation, not a choice.

Demisexuals can be attracted to fictional characters; it is common for demisexuals to be attracted to a character played by an actor but to experience no attraction to the actor themselves when out of character.

Attitudes towards sex

Demisexuals, gray-asexual and asexual individuals (commonly referred to as ''aces'') often use the terms ''favorable'', ''neutral'' or '' indifferent'', ''averse'', or '' repulsed'' to describe how they feel about sex. Nonetheless, these terms can be used by anyone, regardless if they are asexual or not.
*Sex-repulsed: feeling repulsed, uninterested or uncomfortable by the thought of engaging in sex.
*Sex-indifferent: no particular feelings toward sex. Sex-indifferent individuals might partake in sex or avoid it. They may also have no positive or negative feelings toward it.
*Sex-favourable: sex-favourable individuals enjoy sex and may seek it out.
*Sex-ambivalent: experiencing mixed or complicated feelings regarding the act or concept of sexual interaction, usually fluctuating between sex-neutral, sex-favorable or sex-positive and sex-repulsed, sex-negative or sex-averse.
Generally, these terms are used to refer to someone's opinion about engaging in activities themselves. However, they might also be used to describe how they feel reading, watching, hearing about, or imagining these activities. The term ''-repulsed'' in particular is often used to refer to one's feelings about engaging in activities or being around those activities. One's feelings can vary depending on the situation or other factors such as identity, societal context, common social understanding or intent of actions, or comfort level with another individual. For example, someone who is aegosexual may enjoy thinking about sexual activities involving others, but if they imagined being personally involved in those activities, they may feel sex-repulsed.

In fiction

Demisexuality is a common theme (or trope) in romantic novels that has been termed 'compulsory demisexuality'. Within fictitious prose, the paradigm of sex being only truly pleasurable when the partners are in love is a trait stereotypically more commonly associated with female characters. The intimacy of the connection also allows for an exclusivity to take place.

References

{{LGBT

Human sexuality
Asexuality